Feeling a bit overwhelmed and confused

[raphael]

Hey guys,
My name is Raphael, im a 26 year old gay male living in London,
Born in Brazil and raised in Canada, and have lived in London since I was 19.
Im a very confident, friendly, content person. I live a life where I treat everyone with equity, dignity and respect. I work hard and have made something of myself, for supporting myself since I moved to London.
Also, Im very open and honest, im very close with my family and my friends, wear my heart on my sleeve and like to help people with their problems and just generally be there for the people I care about.
Just a bit of back story there..

Here's where I need some advice.
I struggle to maintain happy and healthy relationships with guys. Im very controlled and like to be in control of my life, so the moment I let someone in, where they could possibly hurt me (emotionally, like break my heart) I start to freak out..
I start to feel guilty for looking at porn, I start to worry what they're doing..
I get upset if I find out they've been with someone I know, things like that..
I get so overwhelmed that I just want to leave the situation. But I cant live like that anymore. I need to deal with the anxiety.

It really hurts me inside to feel like this. I struggle to feel confident and happy.
Note: this has nothing to do with the guys I date, I only date guys who I really care about, I would prefer to be single than to be with someone I dont care about.
So yeah..

Its hard because Im a very intuitive person, I really get myself, and am honest with myself, I would say i know 95% of myself, but that 5% is this weird sexual / relationship stuff, and it seems to take over if im with someone. I used to speak to a sexual health therapist for about a year about it, but decided to end it because I thought I had conquered it, but think im not ready yet.

I have recently started dating someone, we've been together for 3 months, we've told each other we love each other and he's lovely and caring. and understands part of my worries and tries to help. BUT its not his issue and I dont want to impose them on him. Its hard to hear your partner is having problems that are somewhat related to you. Anyways, it kind of hurts that Im dealing with this, and I really care about him so would love some advice so I can get to a good place with myself.

Note: we went to italy together for a week, and i found out that in a previous relationship he was in, it was open, where him and his boyfriend would sleep with other guys together, this really upset me. played on my mind and still does at times. he knows im not into this, the intimacy between us is what turns me on. we got tested together and spend time doing nice things together makes me feel safe and happy and heathy (i value these feelings in general). The idea of anything like that just turns me off and makes me sad. BUT ive also done a lot of stuff in my life, some good and some that makes me really sad, so i cant judge. hes a good person who has a lovely heart, so whatever he did in his past is his business. still, i would love to hear people's views on how to deal with the past.

I guess there's a few things i'd like to ask..

1. I was wondering if anyone else has encountered this? Even if its not exactly the same, would love to hear different views.
2. Has anyone dealt with weird guilt after looking at porn? Like feeling weird or dirty. And its worse when you're with someone?
3. Does anyone struggle with coping with their partners past? Past partners and such. And if so, how did you deal with it?

Thank you guys so much, appreciate any advice.
And if you have any questions, please ask.
Best,
Raphael.

[lauj]

hello, I don't think I've ever been in that kind of situation, so I don't really know what your going through. To be honest im not really good at giving advice but I'm here if you need someone to listen or read your post. I do have issues with struggling with a partner's past. I get a little jealous than I start talking about my past relationships and things I've done, which is a bad way. I hope things get better for you.

[Bhp91126]

This is a tough one. If your boyfriend had written about being with this controlling guy, who keeps checking in with him multiple times per day, didn't like him being with other people I would immediately tell him: big red flag, run for the hills.

But for the red flag himself advice is more difficult. Especially, since you already talked about this with a professional, and couldn't get it under control. Could it be that you have low self-esteem? Always wondering why anybody would date little old you?
I assume that you are not cheating on your bf and that the monogamy has been mutually agreed upon between the 2 of you. Are you permanently in temptation to cheat on him? Is he constantly making jokes about how he could fukc him, or him, or him?
What did he say about the open relationship he was in before you? Did he like that?

In the short term I would avoid anything that could be construed as controlling him or isolating him from others. Talk about your issues with him openly, if he cares about you, he will play along to make you more comfortable and keep his antenna up for when things get dicey.

[raphael]

hello, I don't think I've ever been in that kind of situation, so I don't really know what your going through. To be honest im not really good at giving advice but I'm here if you need someone to listen or read your post. I do have issues with struggling with a partner's past. I get a little jealous than I start talking about my past relationships and things I've done, which is a bad way. I hope things get better for you.

thank you!

[raphael]

This is a tough one. If your boyfriend had written about being with this controlling guy, who keeps checking in with him multiple times per day, didn't like him being with other people I would immediately tell him: big red flag, run for the hills.

But for the red flag himself advice is more difficult. Especially, since you already talked about this with a professional, and couldn't get it under control. Could it be that you have low self-esteem? Always wondering why anybody would date little old you?
I assume that you are not cheating on your bf and that the monogamy has been mutually agreed upon between the 2 of you. Are you permanently in temptation to cheat on him? Is he constantly making jokes about how he could fukc him, or him, or him?
What did he say about the open relationship he was in before you? Did he like that?

In the short term I would avoid anything that could be construed as controlling him or isolating him from others. Talk about your issues with him openly, if he cares about you, he will play along to make you more comfortable and keep his antenna up for when things get dicey.

hmm i think you've kind of misread some of my post? i am not controlling in the least with him, we both have our own friends and family, and i enjoy the fact that he's happy with his friends and all that. i dont check in on him, or anything like that. so i find it a little pre-emptive and unnecessary to describe me as a red flag.

i dont think i have low self-esteem, i think i do at times like anyone else,
but it is something im working on..

no im not cheating on him. and i have no desire to sleep with or be with anyone else. we are boyfriends. he doesnt make any jokes like that. and his open relationship with his previous partner was his business, to be honest, i dont really care if he liked it or not, im assuming he did because he was in it, but still, id rather not get his previous relationships involved in ours, similarly to the way i dont impose my previous relationships on him, i try to take all my life experience to make my life right for me now.

sorry to have to reiterate, but we are in a mature, intelligent, caring relationship, one where we treat each other with respect and care, not one where we make jokes or feel the need to hide how we feel or "keep our antenna's up"

this isnt about our relationship, its about me, and what im asking is how to deal with feelings within myself, not between us,

thanks,
raphael.

[Cuddly]

Welcome to GS.

Instead of worrying and wondering, why not flip it around and consider it knowledge? You want to know your boyfriend, right? You love him and want to know where he has been and what he has done, to become this wonderful person that he is today. To know him, you need to know his backstory, with as many gory details as possible.
I L O V E hearing about my husbears conquests, in bed or otherwise. I know he only has eyes for me, so hearing that he has been satisfied before me (even if it wasn't as good *flex*), makes me feel better. I feel guilty for not having been with him always, which is silly, right? But hearing about it makes me feel better, as if I was always there. As if I have been a part of his entire life.

Do I really need to point out that there's a reason his previous open relationship ended? Clearly he wasn't into whatever arrangement he had with that other guy. There's no harm in you hearing the details, in fact, you can even learn from that other guy's mistakes.

About the weird guilt after looking at porn, that depends on your relationship. Just talk about it. Is it ok with him that you watch porn? Does he watch porn? If you both watch porn on occasion, but still have sex regularly, what's the big deal?
If he watches porn, but doesn't like the idea of you watching porn, then you're the one who should run for the hills

[raphael]

Welcome to GS.

Instead of worrying and wondering, why not flip it around and consider it knowledge? You want to know your boyfriend, right? You love him and want to know where he has been and what he has done, to become this wonderful person that he is today. To know him, you need to know his backstory, with as many gory details as possible.
I L O V E hearing about my husbears conquests, in bed or otherwise. I know he only has eyes for me, so hearing that he has been satisfied before me (even if it wasn't as good *flex*), makes me feel better. I feel guilty for not having been with him always, which is silly, right? But hearing about it makes me feel better, as if I was always there. As if I have been a part of his entire life.

Do I really need to point out that there's a reason his previous open relationship ended? Clearly he wasn't into whatever arrangement he had with that other guy. There's no harm in you hearing the details, in fact, you can even learn from that other guy's mistakes.

About the weird guilt after looking at porn, that depends on your relationship. Just talk about it. Is it ok with him that you watch porn? Does he watch porn? If you both watch porn on occasion, but still have sex regularly, what's the big deal?
If he watches porn, but doesn't like the idea of you watching porn, then you're the one who should run for the hills

thanks so much for this, lovely and insightful.
will take this on board.
as for the porn, i think it would be okay with him, i think its more me..
ive had a bit of a problem with it for some time, i was kind of raised on porn. like puberty hit as porn became a thing, so its more about me finding a balance with it.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I used to speak to a sexual health therapist for about a year about it, but decided to end it because I thought I had conquered it, but think im not ready yet.

This right here sounds like you would benefit from going back into therapy for this issue. Clearly it -was- working, as you thought you were cured. Sometimes, regressions happen. Sometimes more help is needed. I'd say it may be a good idea to go back into therapy to deal with this a bit more.

That said... Perhaps you need to look at past partners as what they are.

That is, not as threats but as FAILURES. They, for whatever reason, are failures. They are not as good as you, because you have what they couldn't manage to hold onto.

[raphael]

This right here sounds like you would benefit from going back into therapy for this issue. Clearly it -was- working, as you thought you were cured. Sometimes, regressions happen. Sometimes more help is needed. I'd say it may be a good idea to go back into therapy to deal with this a bit more.

That said... Perhaps you need to look at past partners as what they are.

That is, not as threats but as FAILURES. They, for whatever reason, are failures. They are not as good as you, because you have what they couldn't manage to hold onto.

thanks for this!

[raphael]

thanks everyone for your responses, very insightful
would love to hear even more opinions on everything, if anyone has anything to add,
thanks again,
raphael.