My coming out story

[Arkansota]

I was worried about my sexuality, as you could see, so I decided to write this.

This is about the process of coming out to myself.

So, I did not have the typical "I'm gay" moment. My sexuality gradually unfolded until it revealed a result.

When I was a young kid, I remember being turned on by leather shoes or boots. The gender of the person who was wearing them didn't really matter. I wasn't really attracted to people yet.

During elementary school, I developed an attraction to men in suits. At the time, I was turned on by boys my age who were dressed up.

Also, I used to stare at women's boobs, but they didn't really turn me on, I don't think. If anything, it was probably impulsivity.

In middle school, I started to question my sexuality. I had always been sure that I was straight, but the attraction to women kind of wasn't there. At the time, I didn't realize this. I didn't understand in middle school that I wasn't sexually attracted to women.

In middle school, my sexual attraction to men in suits became much stronger and in high school it started to become an attraction to men in general, with a preference for suited men.

There were a few bumps along the road that threw me off. For instance, while reading Chinua Achebe's book "Things fall apart", I was turned on by his description of women's chests as succulent. I got off to it.

However, that sort of stuff didn't really happen consistently. What was consistent by that time was my attraction to men, although I thought it was a phase. I was being told by people around me that chances are, I was straight.

But when I was in on vacation Delaware and about to go into 11th grade, that all changed. I heard a lot of people talking about lesbian porn and I decided to check it out. It did nothing for me. I have since tried to get aroused by every type of woman I could think of. None of it really worked. I then realized that I was gay. Not bisexual, just gay.

My attraction to men keeps growing stronger and stronger, and here I stand before you as a gay 18 year old college freshman.

What started out as sexual ambiguity gradually unfolded into what I have come to know as my sexuality. For some, it unfolds quickly. For others, it never unfolds so they never realize that they're gay. But I am happy with where I am now, I guess.

[Arkansota]

Okay, I wrote this whole essay and nobody wants to acknowledge it.

[ardus]

I can definitely relate, it took me almost 30 years to really understand my sexuality.

Richard

[Arkansota]

I can definitely relate, it took me almost 30 years to really understand my sexuality.

Richard

Yeah. I really thought I was straight for a long time.

[southbiochem]

Wow...

I can tell you this..to have slowly developed your sexuality is way much better than to have it appear out of nowhere.

The important thing is that you are happy and clear about who you are. AT AGE 18!!!! That's amazing!

I knew I was gay all of the sudden when I was 12 when I heavily crushed on a guy. I heard every guy in my class starting to like girls and I couldn't wait for the question when I liked a girl. But then I didn't and for the worse, the guy I was crushing on was the one who made the question "So, which girl do you like?" It was traumatic.

That sudden development of things led me to a reactionary outburst of denial and self-loathing.

Now I'm working, have a degree, I'm fairly accomplished but I'm utterly alone just for my addiction to denial.

College is a perfect place to be for you to be where you are right now. And you won't be "experimenting", you'llbe living.

My best of luck to you in your career and your personal life!

[Arkansota]

Wow...

I can tell you this..to have slowly developed your sexuality is way much better than to have it appear out of nowhere.

The important thing is that you are happy and clear about who you are. AT AGE 18!!!! That's amazing!

I knew I was gay all of the sudden when I was 12 when I heavily crushed on a guy. I heard every guy in my class starting to like girls and I couldn't wait for the question when I liked a girl. But then I didn't and for the worse, the guy I was crushing on was the one who made the question "So, which girl do you like?" It was traumatic.

That sudden development of things led me to a reactionary outburst of denial and self-loathing.

Now I'm working, have a degree, I'm fairly accomplished but I'm utterly alone just for my addiction to denial.

College is a perfect place to be for you to be where you are right now. And you won't be "experimenting", you'llbe living.

My best of luck to you in your career and your personal life!

Thank you!

[southbiochem]

You are very welcome!

Seriously...you'll do great...

[Pix]

I was a bit confused growing up, too. I think I wouldn't have been had my sex drive been stronger (I believe I'm demisexual) and/or had not so many guys lied about all the sex they were getting while so many girls lied about NOT having sex (and therefore I assumed they also lacked desire for guys) so that I assumed I was normal in not being obsessed with sex like the guys were and assumed that guys lied about all the sex as some had done lying about having sex with me. While I knew promiscuous girls I figured they were the exception to the rule, just as I was the exception to the rule by being a female thrasher/skateboarder.

I had some boyfriends, but it was really more pretend, they were ultimately just friends and when they "broke up" with me or said "let's be friends" I was "ok, let's" without being heartbroken at all about it. Curiosity and some sense of obligation did get me to fool around a little, but not much (and I did enjoy it sometimes when a boy held me, but that could just be appreciating human touch which isn't the same as sex).

I did have a lot of sex with my best friend off and on for years but I saw it as a game (plus, she was the "rare promiscuous" one to me, though now I wonder if she really was horny when she did or if it wasn't something else), but in retrospect I realized how hurt I was when she made fun of 2 girls for being lesbian because I felt she was trashing what we sometimes did together (and me).

I'd even mixed with gays and lesbians when I was 15 and hadn't realized I was one (but then I didn't put a lot of thought into it either).

When I was 17 I FINALLY got some REAL sex ed rather than that crap in Texas schools and I quickly figured it out after that (though I continued to fool around with guys a little until my early 20s, but a lot of that was curiosity and/or feeling sorry for a guy and/or trying to boost his confidence and so can be considered "experimental" and "pity sex").

[Double007]

Thanks for sharing your story. I was slow to realize that I liked men too. My story, the very short version, is a little different. I remember liking girls or at least having crushes I liked to look up girls shorts or skirts too. Yep, it's underwear that does it for me. Then late elementary school and middle school came around and I started really being turned on by guys. I would look up their shorts and be turned on. These feelings continued for so long. I loved looking at men in their underwear. I told myself that I just wanted to be the guys or I just liked underwear until my 20's.

I started liking guys, not just the sexual stuff. Long story short, for some reason, I don't really notice women. I'm always looking at guys. I fantasize about them, I've kissed some guys and danced with them up close, thought about dating some. I seem to not be interested in women at all in the last 8 years. I too thought I was straight until I realized that the excuses I was given myself about being turned on by guys and attracted to them meant something.

[hirvi7]

Hehe, don't worry if people respond right away or not, that doesn't mean your post isn't meaningful. Your story sounds similar to mine, except that I managed to bury all of that for another 10 years of denial. Kudos to you to acknowledging what your brain and heart was telling you. Be true to yourself.