Should I wait for my ex to figure things out?

[intelligence17]

Just looking for some advice on what I should do here. I'm a very level-headed person, always thinks things through (to the point of overthinking on occasion), but this situation is exceptional and I'm finding myself unsure of what I should do.

Back in May, my boyfriend of three years broke up with me. The main reason behind our breakup was that he said he needed space and time to figure himself out. As much as it hurt, I did understand his reasons. He's 22, I'm 27, so right there I know that he's still pretty young and wants to figure out where his life is going. He's about to start his final year at university, and he only transferred into the university last year, and this has been the first time in his life that he's been away from home, living in a new place, meeting new people. These feelings of uncertainty, of wanting to explore new things, wanting to figure himself out - I figured that at some point he might feel these things considering how young he is.

Problem is, we have been almost unable to keep out of each others' lives since the breakup. Since May, the longest we have gone without communicating is about 2 weeks. We have talked about how much we love each other, and he says that he truly believes I will be the one he ends up with in the future, but that just right now he still isn't ready to get back together with me. He's worried that if we do get back together he'll start to feel like he needs some space and then we'll just go through this whole ordeal all over again. He says he wants to be a more secure person who knows what he wants and wants to figure himself out before he can be with me again, and I agree. We both need to be happy with ourselves and both be confident in our own skin and know what we both want if we're going to make it as a healthy, stable couple.

When we broke up he also said that he felt like I was investing more of myself into this relationship and not focusing enough on myself. He was worried that I was losing myself in the relationship. To an extent, he was right. So since we broke up, I've been focusing very hard on finishing up my degree, I've been working out a lot and my fitness has made me feel more confident and has gotten some pretty nice reactions from people around me (my ex included has told me how good I look recently), and I've been spending a lot of time with friends and family and just doing more things for myself. He says that he has been so happy to see how much I've grown and how well I've handled myself since the break up, and that it makes him love me even more to see these positive changes, but that he still needs to do some things for himself as well.

I know I love him with all my heart. I truly believe he is the one for me, but that right now just isn't the right time for us. I recently came to the realization that I am willing to wait for him to figure himself out, because I am strong, I am patient, and I believe that the best things are the ones worth waiting for and holding onto.

Am I being foolish or delusional for thinking this way? Should I not waste my time for someone who is unable to offer me what I want? Any advice would help.

[Ryocchi]

I'm sorry, maybe I am wrong, but I belive the whole reason behind was your ex wanting to date other guys, as you said he has been meeting a lot of new people, if his love was as strong as he says it is, he wouldn't even consider breaking up with you, at the same time I believe it was healthy for him to break up instead of cheating, he's not looking for something serious right now, that's why he was afraid you were getting too deep in the relationship.

What I don't like and I believe it's really selfish is for him to keep giving you false hopes while he goes out with other people, becuase while he says I really think I will end up with you, I don't believe he will hesitate to begin a new relationship if he meets a guy he likes more than you. Right now the one who needs the space it isn't him, it's you, you need yo cut clean and stop all communication with him so you can properly break up, and meet, date and maybe fall in love with another man.

Don't. Wait. For. Him.

The next time you see him he could be arm in arm with the next love of his life.

[Matty71]

I cannot really give advice except to perhaps suggest to continue down this path for awhile longer while both of you work on yourselves. It sounds like you both are doing a good job at this so far, as hard and conflicting as it may be at times.

You both sound like great partners/people and will probably make a fine couple again in the future.

[Undreamt]

To me I think its sounds like a fantastic position to be in, but I don't think anyone should think about waiting for anybody. What ever happens, happens.

Ryocci raised concerns that he wanted to date other guys. I ask the question so what? If the opportunity arises, maybe you should too.

Clearly you both recognized that the first time you two were together there were things that you both needed to work on and you needed more individual experiences to go through in order to grow and develop before coming back together again.

Nothing wrong with a bit of extra experience with someone else, that way you make your mistakes with them and know what to avoid doing if you come back as a couple.

[Ryocchi]

To me I think its sounds like a fantastic position to be in, but I don't think anyone should think about waiting for anybody. What ever happens, happens.

Ryocci raised concerns that he wanted to date other guys. I ask the question so what? If the opportunity arises, maybe you should too.

Clearly you both recognized that the first time you two were together there were things that you both needed to work on and you needed more individual experiences to go through in order to grow and develop before coming back together again.

Nothing wrong with a bit of extra experience with someone else, that way you make your mistakes with them and know what to avoid doing if you come back as a couple.

Sorry, but no.

Every relationship is different, and commiting tons of mistakes doesn't make you the perfect lover.

Mistakes with other partners will not help him with his relatioship with this dude, because they could be issues that wouldn't araise with this guy at all.

Putting your life on hold so I could live mine isn't something I would ever ask of anyone, simply, it isn't fair, what if he meets someone and falls in love with him and never gets back with the op? who will give him that time back?

Intelligence should meet other guys, not focus entirely on this one dude, maybe out there there is someone just as wonderful if not more that will make you fall in love so hard like you wouldn't believe, and maybe just maybe this other person will want the exact same think you want.

And maybe after some years you will re-encounter you ex and see if the ol flame is still there but you wouldn't have any regrets, and if you never get back together then you will know you made the perfect choice.

[intelligence17]

To me I think its sounds like a fantastic position to be in, but I don't think anyone should think about waiting for anybody. What ever happens, happens.

Ryocci raised concerns that he wanted to date other guys. I ask the question so what? If the opportunity arises, maybe you should too.

Clearly you both recognized that the first time you two were together there were things that you both needed to work on and you needed more individual experiences to go through in order to grow and develop before coming back together again.

Nothing wrong with a bit of extra experience with someone else, that way you make your mistakes with them and know what to avoid doing if you come back as a couple.

I'm trying to look at it from this perspective. We both agree that we should take advantage of this time to work on ourselves and grow individually, and while it's sometimes hard to see it from that viewpoint, I think it's a healthy way to approach it.

I still get nervous because I worry that maybe in the course of figuring things out and taking time for ourselves, he might realize that maybe I'm not what he wants after all, but at the same time I could very well come to the same conclusion about him. And if that does happen, then that's just how it goes and we weren't meant to be together anyway. I am trying to accept that I don't have control over what happens in the future and that sometimes in life, you have to let things work out the way they're supposed to.

[intelligence17]

Sorry, but no.

Every relationship is different, and commiting tons of mistakes doesn't make you the perfect lover.

Mistakes with other partners will not help him with his relatioship with this dude, because they could be issues that wouldn't araise with this guy at all.

Putting your life on hold so I could live mine isn't something I would ever ask of anyone, simply, it isn't fair, what if he meets someone and falls in love with him and never gets back with the op? who will give him that time back?

Intelligence should meet other guys, not focus entirely on this one dude, maybe out there there is someone just as wonderful if not more that will make you fall in love so hard like you wouldn't believe, and maybe just maybe this other person will want the exact same think you want.

And maybe after some years you will re-encounter you ex and see if the ol flame is still there but you wouldn't have any regrets, and if you never get back together then you will know you made the perfect choice.

Ryocchi, your opinion is exactly the same opinion that some of my friends have about this. They're just trying to look out for me and they want to make sure I'm not waiting around and putting my life on hold for him. I definitely see the merits in your argument, and it's a viewpoint that I'm trying to take into consideration throughout all of this.

[intelligence17]

I cannot really give advice except to perhaps suggest to continue down this path for awhile longer while both of you work on yourselves. It sounds like you both are doing a good job at this so far, as hard and conflicting as it may be at times.

You both sound like great partners/people and will probably make a fine couple again in the future.

It is hard and conflicting, but whenever I start to feel doubtful or sad about it I tell myself that there's a reason why we're going through this and just try to keep optimistic and hopeful.

And thank you for the compliment. Everyone that knows us has said how good of a couple we were and that they really hope we work things out in the end.

[intelligence17]

ck out if the local glbt center in your area has free couples training.
the one where i live does offer this, we are using it.

Thank you, that's a good suggestion

[Beau]

I think you should forget about him and start looking for another man. He's exploring for new relationships while keeping you on the hook in case nothing better comes along. That's very selfish on his part and very bad for your emotions. Especially if he finds someone else. You've been dumped. Time to move on. Maybe he'll miss you but that's his loss.