Twin brother is not ok with my homosexuality and pretends he is. Why?

[Anonymous]

I’m 21 years old guy and I’ve a twin brother, we’re identical twins. Some time ago he found out I’m gay, he accidentally caught me kissing with my first boyfriend. I think it was a big surprise for him, because somehow I’ve never told him about my attraction to men, as I was single and it didn’t seem important for me. Maybe I should have, then this situation maybe wouldn’t be so complicated now.

Since that he’s being really cold towards me. Our relationships were very sincere before it. We told each other everything and it was like we’re two halves of a whole. He was the closest person to me. Now I would like so much to tell him how much I love my boyfriend and how we met and what is he like, but somehow my brother suddenly is not the same brother I had before. He has become very quiet and doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore. We used to go out together and attend various activities and now he makes excuses all the time like studying, working and things like that. He doesn’t even really want to speak to me. When I ask something, he answers, but when I start to tell him something about my new relationships, he’s just nodding without saying a word. When I asked if he wants to talk with me about what he saw, he said no.

When I asked him what his view on homosexuality is, he was like “I don’t think it’s something you should be proud of”. When I start to tell him something about it, he always interrupts me and says that I don’t have to explain. He says that I’m still his brother, I’ve always been and always will be and that he accepts me the way I am. But I feel that he’s just saying that, he’s my twin, I can sense that he’s not okay. Why can’t he just say “yes, your being gay is disgusting to me” or something like that? Because I’m sure this is what he actually thinks. It would hurt me, but it would be so much better than all this simulation when he says he’s okay when I clearly see that he’s not. My boyfriend says that maybe my brother just needs some time to completely understand that his twin is gay, but I think it’s not the case. I’m just worried he could have this attitude for all the time.

What should I do? I want my old brother back, the one that I could talk to, trust and rely on.

[theDave]

I agree. Time heals most things. He is afraid of what it means..... mainly because he can't understand it. He says you shouldn't be proud of it huh? Well no duh lol. I don't think anyone would make the choice to be gay..... but when its wired into you just like heterosexuality is in other people, we can't see it as a choice, because it isn't. You'll be fine..... stay strong.

[James]

So when did he first notice and claim to be hetrosexual as he "choice", Jim

[MisterTinkles]

Knowing what I know and have learned about twins........

It seems he resents you. Apparently you were holding back information from him all this time, which he identifies with being a lie purposely made to him. So, in his mind, if this is the type of person YOU are, then he seems to not want to have anything to do with you.

I would suspect it has nothing to do with "gay" and everything to do with not telling him everything....as you said you both did....which is obviously a lie on your part, since you didnt tell him.
Hence, the cold shoulder.

[Matt]

2 points. Somewhat echoing.
1. He feels betrayed, you said you two were the closest people in each others
Lives, but he had to find out by walking in on you. He's hurt, and most likely why he is withdrawing from you. Give him time. And then go have a twin day, do out and do stuff just for you and get to talk about things.

2. Since you're identical twins, he MAY be slightly concerned that he could be gay too. I'm not sure how twins think in tandom, but it may be a distinct possibility. This may have brought up some latent feelings that he isn't willing to confront.

That being said. Time heals most wounds. This will heal, have you told your parents? And what is their view on homosexuality? I'd bet that this "hatred" is more of a defense mechanism prior to accepting the reality if the situation.

Feel free to shoot me a message if you want to talk more.

[Dreamer]

Give it time.

He loves and cares for you,
despite your feelings of rejection.

He wouldn't tell you otherwise
because he sincerely cares.

It might be a shock for him,
with you being gay.

Maybe he's hurt that he had to find out,
instead of you letting him know of your sexuality.

Since you were so close before,
maybe he felt betrayed that you would hide something
as important as your sexuality.

Maybe he's gay himself....
who knows?

If so,
he could be conflicted with
his own feelings,
now that he knows of yours.

If anything,
he doesn't need any explaintion.

He knows you're gay,
so leave it at that.

There isn't much to elaborate on
when it comes to one's sexuality.

It's not rocket science.

[mbennet35]

It may just take time. Sometimes it is a shock. My brothers didn't know what to think when I came out to them. It took them time to really accept it.

[Matt]

On that aspect, I really can't say too much. My brother still doesn't know, but it's easier that way.

[Anonymous]

No, our parents doesn't know I'm gay. I've no idea about their view on homosexuality, but I've heard them putting down gay people when there's something about them on TV or something. So I guess they're not very open minded.

Well, if it's just about my not telling him I'm gay.... I never thought it would hurt him so much. I didn't tell him because I wasn't sure about his reaction. I've had people that I thought were my friends, but after they found out I'm gay, they turned their backs at me.

[MisterLove]

[...]

What should I do? I want my old brother back, the one that I could talk to, trust and rely on.

Very interesting post, thanks for sharing your story.

I've met many identical twins that were both gay and I'm sure this is no coincidence. I wonder if homosexuality really is a genetic trait. And I wonder if your brother is actually gay and is having problems coping with his own sexual orientation. Is he straight?

Anyway, I agree that time is a great healer. Be subtle and patient, give him some time and don't mention the subject of sex in the near future.