Hi all, I'm at a point in my life where I am not sure what I should do. And, of course in this day and age, that means I need to come to the internet for advice - because the internet is always right!!!
In seriousness, though, here is my problem. I'm 40 years old and have never been in anything other than heterosexual relationships, was married and had 2 kids, etc.
Over 20 years ago I spent one night with a guy and although it felt quite uncomfortable - I did really enjoy it.
Now, when I think about sex(which is quite alot) I think about having sex with other men more often than I would think about women. I love watching gay porn and do so every day.
So, therefore that means I am gay, right? Id be comfortable with that - however, I look at other men all the time and Im yet to be attracted any. Not one, yet when I see a good looking woman I'm instantly attracted to her.
So what do I do? How can I deal with this intense craving I have to be with, and enjoy another man??
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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There is a huge difference between curiosity and actually being something/someone.
I find many things interesting, but that doesnt mean I am going to do it myself.
I like watching spelunking, but I have no initiative to go out and do it.... it doesnt interest me to the point where I would get up out of my chair to do it.
Although some people may call you "bisexual" I dont believe there actually is such a thing.
Just another word for people to use in order to not take any responsibility for their own lives.
As for your "craving", I think you have set this up for yourself.
Example:
You are watching TV and keep seeing an advertisement for Pistachio Ice Cream. Even though you may not care for it, after seeing several advertisements for Pistachio Ice Cream, you feel you need to go buy some, even if its just to see what it tastes like.
So you like gay porn. Big deal.
But by watching it all the time, you are forcing your brain to focus and accept something you want it too. So therefore, you are getting these "cravings" to be with a man.
I would "test" yourself. Stop watching gay porn (any porn) for a couple of months. If this "craving" goes away, then you dont really want a man, you just think you want a man.
If the "craving" doesnt go away, then you may actually be realizing that you are not the person who you thought you were all these years. And you can explore that. (you ARE divorced, right?)
Dont force something on yourself if you arent sure.
Dont make yourself do something you may regret.
You need to spend time with you, to figure out who you are.
Meditate
Talk to people
Read about it
Think on whats been read and said
Dont jump into anything.
Once you figure out who YOU are, then you can deal with other issues, and you wont have all these strange feelings and weird ideas, and not know why they are there.
Hope that makes sense.
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Thankyou very much for that advice MT - I did read it last week but didnt have my log in details to hand to post a reply at the time.
I found your reply to be a very sensible one and one which I have listened to. I havent watched any porn for the past week, but still find myself regularly (admittedly not as much) thinking about performing sexual acts with other men. Just thinking about it right now, really turns me on.
However, I will continue avoiding the porn and see if things change. as you say, I may well have been forcing my brain to crave something.
And yes, I am divorced!
Thanks again
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Bruce, is there a possibility that you may be envious of other blokes?
are you aroused by the danger or 'forbidden' aspect of men and being with men?
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Men wear more shapeless clothes than woman, hiding are shape, perhaps if you saw more naked men walking around (as they appear on your porn tapes) you'd be more interested
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Im relatively positive that it isnt the "forbidden" aspect of other men, as it isnt really an attitude or belief that I have. I have always been open minded when it comes to mine, and other people's sexuality.
But maybe, tavi, you do have a point. as I do find some men attractive on the porn films - and yes they are naked. Hmmm, so where can I go to see lots of men walking around naked to see if that is the answer? That does actually sound kinda nice, if Im honest!
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Tavi's house would be a good place to start  lol
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Again, there is no stress on the sex part of the words:
thus Heterosexual is not heteroSEXual, Bisexual is not biSEXual, Homosexual is not homoSEXual.
An interesting thing I have noted through the years.
A woman comes here (or any other LGBT site) and she goes on an on about the emotional connection she feels with a woman and rarely if ever mentions sex - then asks if this makes her gay.
A guy comes on and he goes on and on about sex, porn and asks if he is gay.
The reality is that both need to pretty much exist in order to identify oneself as a sexuality.
Your attraction to women, wanting to be married, have kids and all of that crazy sort of stuff means you are straight.
Your wanting to have sex with a man means you have lust and a healthy sexual appetite and can pretty much get off with a little assistance from anyone.
It doesn't mean you are gay - to be gay you need to be able to form a fast, loving, committed relationship with a man. It doesn't mean your bi - because you still need to be able to do that with a man and or with a woman - it can go either way.
You has sex with a man once - great - that doesn't make you gay. It means you had sex - period.
As for all of this porn you are watching, that most likely is the source of your confusion. Too much porn watching and seeking a more erotic/hot/exotic way to get off leads to a lot of people being very confused about who and what they are. Its a form of addiction where the drug is erotic fiction and the more you use the more you need to use, the stronger it needs to be in order to get that same 'fix' that your first time experience gave you.
Way too many straight men are turning to gay porn as a way to satisfy that need for a more wild experience. It is hot, it is a real turn on because its taboo and extremely erotic - it doesn't mean they are gay, it means they have become bored with 'normal' (for them) sex and need something extra in order to get off.
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TIME FOR A BLUNT RESPONSE:
#1. Straight men do NOT WATCH GAY PORN EVERY DAY!
#2. There are hundreds of thousands of "str8" men who got married and had kids (me included) and ultimately accepted the fact that they are gay - even if they only had sex one time with a guy.
#3. Your "confusion" is as much due to 40 years of upbringing, societies expectations on what a "man" should be; religion and personal fear about accepting the fact that you're attracted to men. The fact that you're still attracted to women is more a mental reflex - your near "obsession" with gay porn and thinking about men is a signal that there's more going on between your ears.
#4. The fact that "every-day men" don't trip your trigger, again, is more subconscious blocking any attraction to real men. It's your mind's way of "protecting" you from yourself. If you actually LET yourself see a REAL LIVE man as attractive, then that means you COULD actually one day be with another man.
My advice. Find a really good therapist (one who's experienced in dealing with sexual identity issues - not a priest, pastor, rabbi). Just do it! He/she can help you process your thoughts and feelings - then it's up to you to take the next steps.
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Hello Bruce, and  to GaySpeak. I think your predicament is quite a classic one. The one experience that you enjoyed with a man all those years ago even though it was uncomfortable, and the subsequent following of the expected societal pattern of getting married etc... I've done it (except the marriage and children). I got into a relationship with a woman, and thought it would satisfy me for a lifetime (it might have), but at the back of my head there was always the feeling that I'd not explored the gay aspect of my sexuality deeply enough. I too would crave watching gay porn (but at the time there was no Internet so it wasn't so easy) and created lots of fantasies about sex with men in my head or doing artwork representing such scenes.
All the hard wiring that society has implanted into our brains about finding other men non-attractive and women desirable is a bit like advertising, indeed. Someone mentioned pistacchio ice cream. I don't think it's that simple in terms of sexuality. I think deep inside, for you, there must be an unsatisfied curiosity to have some more encounters with men.
Do I find men all attractive, just by the fact that I admit to myself that I'm gay? No, I still find that men are mostly out of boundaries for me; most of the ones I work with or come across wouldn't be interested anyway so I don't even give it any thought. Have there been the few that I did find attractive? Yes, when they displayed qualities or behaviour that let me think there might be a chance of something happening. But then again, I was very stand-offish and secret and kept myself to myself. Some might call it shyness, some might call it reserve or caution.
All of these mechanisms are in us to help us cope with a situation that we know to be potentially hurtful or dangerous. With porn, it's all very easy. All you have to do is sit and be a voyeur and you can live that part of you sexuality safely from your home without any of the nastiness that might happen in real life with a real person. But like the previous poster, I don't think a straight man would bother watching only gay porn.
My feeling is that you've been bottling it all up, convinced that you were of being straight (the social brainwashing works remarkably well in some subjects, lol) and trying to convince yourself that you were only interested in women for a multitude of reasons. Yes, like you, I get on really well with my female entourage, I find them attractive and interesting, but I don't fancy them sexually. Do you fancy them sexually? Honestly?
One day, around your age, I found that life was becoming predictable and depressing and decided I needed to find out more about what it meant to be gay. I joined a gay forum, looking for answers, and found, by interacting online, my current partner of ten years. It's a move I don't regret.
So maybe you should just forgive yourself for having deluded yourself all these years about being straight (unless you had a definite bisexual penchant) and start exploring what same sex attraction means. It may be that all you're looking for is sex. That's possible. If you're looking for something meaningful that includes sex, then you need to be aware that, as the old story goes, you may have to kiss a lot of toads before you meet your prince.
Good luck with the (re)search!
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What do I do?
