Getting closer to my sister

[davearoo]

My oldest sister was 14 when I was born, but she and I have very simpatico personalties. I have always enjoyed her company, but when I was about 12, she married a crazy asshole.

I know that he still loves her after all these years (and it's mutual), but this guy believes that nearly everyone else should apologize to him for existing. This was intimidating to a 12-year-old, but once I became an adult and demonstrated a talent for equal snark to this guy, he backed off. Now he simply hates my guts. It's nothing personal; he clearly hates most of the world.

I would very much want to reconnect with my sister (more often than just the rare phone call), but I know he'd be furious about it, and she may well be afraid of how he'd react. He doesn't seem to want her to be emotionally close to anyone but him.

I'm positive that he isn't abusing her, so I certainly don't want to interfere with their marriage: it's nobody's business but theirs.

Any ideas of how I can approach her?

[Merc]

I believe it's fair to say that his insecurities are causing that level of control. Anyone that gets *close* to her is, of course, talking about him so that would create all kinds of hell in his head. Maybe you can just start off with some more regular phone conversations and then go from there? I know you want more than that, but it might be better to start small and build up.

[Geminize]

I hate to say it, but abuse comes in all sorts of forms; not just physical. If he is so controlling that your sister may fear his reaction if she reconnects with you -- that's an abusive relationship. I think the best thing would be baby steps. Short phone calls to touch base with her, then work your way up to longer calls or getting together some time she would not be with him.

It's a shame that's such an uncomfortable situation. Stand your ground, she is your sister!

[Waylon777]

Yeah, it could seem like your sister's husband is trying to isolate her. I know one police case where this sociopath guy isolated a girl from her friends and used her as his wallet. But, on the other hand, there are certain types of people that some people just don't like, and your sister's husband do seem like an asshole. I knew a person in high school who became friends with me and later just betrayed me because he couldn't be the one controlling everything. At the point, I cut all ties with him since he was an asshole. Either way, maybe try connecting with her via email or inviting her to diners or coffee. Her husband cannot be that much of an asshole that he won't let anyone see her. If not, maybe it's time for an intervention.

[MisterTinkles]

I can honestly say, I have had to deal with friends who have control freaks for mates......

But....

There really isnt any way around it. A control freak is a control freak.....you cant change them.

Aside from sneaking around behind his back, there isnt much to be done.
If he would allow you both phone calls to each other, or emails, then he may see that as a non-threatening gesture.

I would see if you could ask a psychologist who specializes in control freak personalities about this.
They would have better insight.

[davearoo]

She's definitely busy with her life; that's always been true of her. Both of us are a bit driven.

Whether she's being abused or not, there is clearly no way she will ever leave this guy. Fortunately, he isn't isolating her to the point where she can't have phone calls or correspond by email. I just find it weird that we never really chat unless she happens to call our mom at a time when I'm there. My other sister also lives out of town, and she and I have phone chats fairly regularly.

Now that I think about it, I believe the best thing to do is write to her and ask how she would like to set something up. I'm sure her husband won't read her personal snail mail.