My Darkest Pain, My Life

[Xen]

Ive never told anyone about this as my mind had blanked it for a number of years but due to a recent self discovery which im still progressing through it had surfaced what it is was when i was growing up my father was a heavy drug user as in over 7 ounces of cannabis a week aswell as other much harder drugs he had a lot of drug dealers and other very evil people at our house and one day when i was 13 he had anargument with one of them about some deal or something and they then pushed me out of the room and shut the door as they talked not long after he came out and the dealer was with him (sorry finding it hard to write this trying not to visualise it again too much) anyway the man took my arm and dragged me upstairs while my father stood there letting him he took me into my room as he then undressed me and proceed to rape me violently i cant remember it very well thank god but i still feel very ashamed about it i dont think my mum ever found out but even if she did we couldnt do anything as we were well my father ruled over us violently and mentally me my mum and my sisters all suffered severe mental and physical torture but i was the only one who was violated its not fair he allowed that to happen to me i was so scared for my life and he got away with it.

We live away from him now we (my mum and me)((sisters moved out years ago)) left only last year around my 18th birthday i currently suffer from severe clinical depression and i self harm due to my life before i moved i have tried to commit suicide two times and when we lived with him i was nearly killed 5 times by my father we did report all this dont misunderstand me my mum didnt just let it go on with out intervention but the way he twisted words and manipulated people he always seemed to get away with things at a medical review meeting he threatened to kill his social worker with a knife to the throat but all he got was 6 months probation im glad we are away from him now but im now struggling with finally finding myself as i was never allowed to before im finding it very hard to come to terms with being gay i only realised i was recently

Anyway im not sure if i have even posted this in the right place but i thank anyone who has read this.( i needed to get it off my chest once and for all)

[spotysocks]

Much love to you Xen

Welcome to GS (and yes you posted this in the right category. mile: ) I am moved by what you went through. What a brave guy you are. Through my previous job i met other people in a similar situation as yours and takes a lot of courage and emotional strength to go through this. It is normal to feel ashamed and hurt although in reality shame belongs to the abuser and those who didnt stop the abuse not to the victim. Even posting this in a forum is brave, shows that whatever your past is you are strong to deal with it , accept what happened and work for a better life and future. Never ever give up!

Good thing that you dont live with your father any more will help you find yourself and deal with your pain better. Do you get any counselling sweety? Do you want me to find something for you?? I can do it and i think you will benefit with some counselling and life coaching. There are places you get that for free.

[Solomon]

Xen, no one should have to deal with what you went through, but in no way is it your fault. Like SpotySocks said, the shame belongs to the abuser, not the victim.
My total respect to you for your facing up to what happened, I hope you can move forwards from here.
Good for you and your mum for getting away from him.

[wouldlikemuscle]

Xen, you are indeed a brave person to endure something like that. It is indeed tragic that these sort of things can happen and I only hope that you are able to move on with your new life away from your father.

[marshlander]

Xen,

Thinking of you. Trying to find the words to articulate bad things is important and can be helpful, although I cannot imagine how one begins to make sense of a father who behaves as you describe. Do drugs really remove that amount of human decency? Be as angry as you need to be, fathers are supposed to protect their children not expose them to danger ... BUT please try not to be angry with yourself. You cannot be held to blame for this awful treatment.

All the best to you.

[fjp999]

Hi Xen, Welcome to the site.

How brave of you to tell us your story. I hope that you will feel welcomed here and enjoy the wonderful people that have found this forum.

Have you been diagnosed as clinically depressed or is it self diagnosed? As spotysocks suggests there are people out there who can help. It might take a bit of searching but maybe you can find someone you trust.

It must be very difficult to visualize the hell you have been thru so why dont you tell us all something positive about yourself.

hugs,
frank

[Xen]

i thank all the people who replied to my post knowing there are people out there that accept me and are open to helping me made me feel so happy sorry i havent had a chance to reply (comp. troubles) and to answer fjp999's answer i have been diagnosed with clinical depression and i am on antidepressants, also thanks for the hugs and support i feel very happy when i get your posts just getting my experience out there has lessened its impact on me thanks

[fjp999]

Glad those pesky computer problems are fixed and you are back with us.

Those antidepressants can work wonders. Hope yours are good for you.

btw, you havent opened up on your positive side. Make us happy to hear how you are proud of yourself.

more hugs,
frank

[princealbertofb]

i thank all the people who replied to my post knowing there are people out there that except me and are open to helping me made me feel so happy sorry i havent had a chance to reply (comp. troubles) and to answer fjp999's answer i have been diagnosed with clinical depression and i am on antidepressants, also thanks for the hugs and support i feel very happy when i get your posts just getting my experience out there has lessened its impact on me thanks

I know this might sound annoying, but using the proper terms cannot harm anyone: we do not 'except' you, which would mean we were putting you aside (making you an exception) but ACCEPT you, by making you part of our circle of friends. Of course we accept you and are glad to be of help. mile: So, welcome, Xen. You've had a very stressful experience, so we hope you find a way to get over it all. I agree with Frank: what are the happy / good / positive sides that you can concentrate on?

[Serfdom]

Your story moved me to tears. My heart goes out to you and I hope you are able to come to some kind point of acceptance with yourself. Your father was weak, but you need to be strong and try and live with the horrid abuse inflicted on you.

I don't know what to say, but I had to say something as I too am a victim of rape at a young age and also suffer from depression. I feel you need to accept and move on from whats happened, and it could take years.