Not suicidal, just very little will to live life :(

[Anonymous]

I'm 27, a virgin, and in all those years, I've had one BF, which lasted maybe 3 months? Maybe.

What I realized in 27 years of being alone; I need someone to have any will to do anything anymore. I tried putting my life back together recently. Went back to school in something I find extremely interesting. For a while, loneliness was the last thing on my mind.
That was at the beginning of the year. Now Im doing nothing, living off some savings. Looking at options, considering drastic changes, like moving to a new place and starting fresh, which is a possibility for a little while before my funds get to low.

I've never felt like part of the gay community. I tried going to some local bars, and they were all.. Well they seemed specialized to certain types of people, none of which I am.
I've searched for activities I could join in or around the city to maybe meet some people, etc, and nothing of interest happens here that suites my tastes, or even touches on something I might be interested in. Going to an activity without even the slightest interest in the activity seems like a foolish idea. Clubs are even worse imo, because im not a club goer, and like a quieter atmosphere. Where I live, it seems these are my only choices... Or bathhouses, which

Tried some dating sites, but I'm extremely shy by nature. My few attempts to start a conversation ended with either people ignoring me, or looking for sex, etc. Some of the profiles have been up for a while, and never have I gotten any messages. I know I shouldn't wait and expect people to message me, but whenever I message others, it seems like I'm not even worth replying to. this makes me think I must look like a troll or ogre or something. I don't think so, but when you cant remember a single compliment in One's favor, you start to think you're the ugliest thing out there.

They told me being kind, generous and loyal is all you need... Well, I realized late in life that all that is second to looks. Even average looks. Who cares if someone is kind, generous or loyal, they dont make the looks cut, so who gives a damn.

I dont consider myself ugly. I look in the mirror, and see someone handsome. I guess Im just not BF material.

Anyways, this gaping hole of loneliness has begun destroying my life, and I dont have the will to bring it in check. I lost half my close friends a few months after I came out, and this was after They pretended to be fine with it, while using those months to keep me in my pit of depression I was in before Coming out. I thought I moved passed that, but apparently not.

I also realised recently that my other friends, even my "Best friend" aren't really friends at all. There is no give and take, there is only take.
here's an example; I recently rekindled a friendship with someone. My Best Friend doesnt like that person. I see my Best friend maybe... twice a week? less if he works overtime. My new old friend is free most nights, so we can hang out. Well, my Best friend is no longer my best friend, because I am apparently spending too much time with this other person. It got to the point where it felt like a jealous lover (which its not) trying to control who I can and Cannot hang out with. To the point where he know doesn't even talk to me much anymore, because I told him what he sounds like, and he disagreed. Last time I saw him, he mentioned he doesn't care anymore, yet during that time where he seemed like the jealous type, he did everything from yell at me, shame me, talk shit about me to family friends while I was sitting right there.

It was really stupid. I happen to share my views surrounded by woman, some femminists. A cute, bookish woman happen to make a comment along the lines of, "Wow, Exactly. This is the kind of guy I'd want"
Being gay, I found this a nice compliment, mainly cause I get so few nice things said to me, and especially since I was expressing what I truly believe, and not something I was saying due to company.
His response, "yeah, but dont listen to him. He's never had a girlfriend. his opinion shouldnt count."

Yeah, thanks "Bestie"

I guess that's what you get when you have a closet homophobe as a best friend. I say this because three years after I came out, and he still feels it necessary to tell me going to grab a bite to eat at McD's is not a date. Doing stuff together is not a date. Gay jokes that dont use the usual negative innuendos is not ok.... Oh, and time and again, he's told me I should do this or do that to have fun with being gay, but what he suggests tends to be demeaning or just a way to have a laugh at my expense for being gay. I point this out, but no one see what im saying. Thats the problem with having only straight friends; I cant crack great gay jokes and have people laugh for the proper reasons.

And this comes back around to the not being able to join the community at large, because it seems to revolve around bars, clubs or bathhouses, unless your lucky enough to meet someone outside these venues, but unless One works with other gay people, this never actually seems to happen.

All this, and other points (Getting kinda long, so Imma wrap this up), make me feel like I'm doomed to live alone, until I either go crazy, or kill myself... Something that I've sworn would never be a choice... Im just lost on how to move forward here, and the anxiety/frustrations have led me to write this.

Thanks for reading...

Tl;Dr - I'm a 27 year old virgin who thinks everyone sees me as ugly as sin. I have a best friend who doesn't understand how homophobic his comments sound, or how much they hurt. I find that 27 years alone has left me with no will to do anything with my life.

[SolemnBoy]

Okay, after having read your post, I have to start off by saying I can relate to the things you're feeling. I think the majority of people (especially gay ones, perhaps, who tend to grow up feeling alianated) have felt the way you do at one point or another. However, these periods tend to go away after a while and if they don't it's time to acknowledge it as a problem to be taken seriously.

I felt really sad reading this as you come off as a very sincere and friendly person. Your "friend" though seems to be very selfish, cruel and insensitive; a douche in other words. After the way he's been treating you I hope you never take him back as a friend because people like that will do you absolutely no good when you're at a somewhat vulnerable stage in your life. You didn't mention many things about your rekindled friendship but, assuming this guy actually treats you with respect, it sounds like something you should go for.

Now, like a lot of people, you seem to be saddened by the shallowness of most other people. I'll agree that people in general seem to place an unreasonable emphasis on appearance but keep in mind that attraction isn't purely physical. True, most people want a partner they're attracted to and whereas looks are definitely a part of that, other personality traits are important or even vital depending on the person. I myself am very attracted to intelligence, generosity, kindness and obviously anyone whose sense of humour is compatible with mine. I think this view is more common than you may think and you said yourself that you consider yourself handsome which is a very positive thing.

I think a possible explanation for your feeling of loneliness stems from the fact that people find saddened people difficult to approach. People generally are put off by depressed, self-loathing or vulnerable individuals and this creates a vicious cycle where the depressed person feels increasingly alienated, starting to give off bad signals that cause people not to want to approach him. Is this making any sense at all?

My advice is to pursue the friendship with this person you mentioned and leave your old best friend behind. Stop feeling like assimilating yourself into the gay community is something you ought to do, because it's not. There's no need for you to visit bars, bathhouses or clubs unless you feel like you want to. Try to gain some confidence from the fact that you feel handsome and disregard other people's opinions. People who look sad and sulk will be perceived as less attractive than people who smile and seem to be confident with themselves - this doesn't mean you have to fake happiness or anything but if you try to have a good time with friends and in public and focus on positive things even temporarily, you might be able to attract new people, experience new things and ultimately break out of your shell.

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me

[hirvi7]

First of all, you're not alone. A lot of gay men spend a good deal of time feeling lonely and getting depressed about it. We have few role models or public stories out there that show us how to develop relationships and friendships. So we kind of have to forge a new path every time.

There's a lot more to the "gay community" (if we can even think of it as a single thing in the first place) than bars and bathhouses. Those are basically hook-up venues. You might make friends there, but that comes down to luck. To me, it sounds like you need to broaden your social circle more generally. Try something new. Take an exercise class, get into community theater, or join an activist organization for a cause you care about. If it's a gay cause, that increases the chance of meeting other gay men, but even if it's not a gay-centric organization, you'll meet new people who share some of your passions and have new friends to lean on.

And you need to talk honestly to your best friend. He's stuck around, so he clearly values your friendship. But you need to teach him a little about sensitivity. It would be great if he realized that on his own, but he hasn't, so it's become your job. Having gay friends is still kind of new to many (if not most) people, so be patient, but also don't let yourself be a doormat.

And if you ever seriously contemplate taking your life, please reconsider and get help. Those suicide hotlines are there to talk you down. And there's no shame in going to a therapist, if you can afford one. Just having someone to listen can work wonders. One of my best friends committed suicide a couple years ago. It causes pain, bewilderment, and even anger for the people left behind. He was cherished by family and friends, as we all are, even if we don't always see it. Life sucks sometimes. But there's also so much beauty and love out there, and rarely do you have to look far to find it.

[Anonymous]

"Okay, after having read your post, I have to start off by saying I can relate to the things you're feeling. I think the majority of people (especially gay ones, perhaps, who tend to grow up feeling alianated) have felt the way you do at one point or another. However, these periods tend to go away after a while and if they don't it's time to acknowledge it as a problem to be taken seriously."

I tried taking it seriously. I've had a similar mindset for about 2 years now.

IYour "friend" though seems to be very selfish, cruel and insensitive; a douche in other words.

Indeed. Most of my friends before coming out were pretty much douches, but they are the douches who seemed to care somewhat. I want to end the friendship sometimes, but my social circle has already shrunk so much since coming out... He's still around, but Im not sure for how much longer because the friendship has become horribly strained these days.

"I think a possible explanation for your feeling of loneliness stems from the fact that people find saddened people difficult to approach. People generally are put off by depressed, self-loathing or vulnerable individuals and this creates a vicious cycle where the depressed person feels increasingly alienated, starting to give off bad signals that cause people not to want to approach him. Is this making any sense at all?"

This makes a lot of sense. I wouldnt be surprised if some get a vulnerable vibe from me. Im 27 and am still a virgin. In 3 years trying to learn more about the community, this seems like a fatal negative in all circles. Doesnt matter that I only came out 3 years ago, and before that didnt want to just have sex with some poor girl. I've always known I was 100% gay, and considered leading on a girl in HS who might develop feelings for me cruel to the extreme. It also doesnt seem to matter that I never even fooled around with other guys while closeted, as some seem to do, because I was petrified by what being gay would mean (Using Gay as a negative expression is a fricken cultural norm for Pete's sake), and most people in or around me have always used it as such.

"My advice is to pursue the friendship with this person you mentioned and leave your old best friend behind. "

Good advice :p
I've been following it already. One reason why My 'best friend' and I are drifting apart is because I called him on his douchebaggery. I told him the fact that HE doesnt like the guy (due to working together with diffferent ideas on how to do things), should not automatically force me to stop trying to build new friendships.

Stop feeling like assimilating yourself into the gay community is something you ought to do, because it's not. There's no need for you to visit bars, bathhouses or clubs unless you feel like you want to.

This was my view from the outset. 3 years later, and still have as many RL gay friends as I did then... I know this shouldn't affect my views too much, but it does.

Try to gain some confidence from the fact that you feel handsome and disregard other people's opinions. People who look sad and sulk will be perceived as less attractive than people who smile and seem to be confident with themselves - this doesn't mean you have to fake happiness or anything but if you try to have a good time with friends and in public and focus on positive things even temporarily, you might be able to attract new people, experience new things and ultimately break out of your shell.

I always have a fun time when I do go out These things are furthest from my mind, because I have something tangible to take my mind off it.

As to confidence for considering myself handsome... I do. But finding myself attractive doesnt really matter in the long run. If anything, it makes things more confusing. In the end, someone else needs to agree with me if I hope to find someone. That has never happened, except that Bf i mentioned, but he ended it because I would almost panic whenever things started warming up...

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me

Thanks for responding I just might do that

[Anonymous]

Try something new. Take an exercise class, get into community theater, or join an activist organization for a cause you care about. If it's a gay cause, that increases the chance of meeting other gay men, but even if it's not a gay-centric organization, you'll meet new people who share some of your passions and have new friends to lean on.

I've tried this. I still try to find these types of things from time to time, but they just dont seem to come up often around my area. doesnt make much sense, I live near Montreal, which has a thriving gay community. I just seems like no one advertises events like this outside the Village.

And you need to talk honestly to your best friend.

I have. His response was that Im wrong to take offense. Its all 'in good fun' even if it isnt. When I mention how something he says is rude, insensitive, insulting, etc, He replies with no its not, I'm reading into things to much, and continues with it anyways. when he says something downright homophobic, and I call him out on it, he gets angry and says hes not homophobic, etc. basically defensive. Even if he realises he might be in the wrong (days later), He doesnt even consider apologizing, because I suppose he think explaining oneself without an apology at some point, is the same as an apology.

recently, he was here, drunk spilling his feeling to me about the whole thing. This ruined the Best of being best friends, because it was him and me; he was talking about how he finds I'm spending too much time with this new (old) friend. I calmly explained that he is always working (not something I hold against him, just a plain fact), so it feels like he thinks I should just sit at home doing nothing until he comes around. Shortly after, he had this outburst,

"Im just so frustrated by the fact that my best friend is being stolen from me by that FAGGOT." Putting all his vitriol into the last word.

And didnt realise his error, even after I explained to him how much it hurt, that the absolute worst insult he could think of in his agitation, when the only other person who heard him was a gay guy, was the word faggot. AS if I wasn't even there. He also couldn't understand how I could be offended...

words of the best friend of a gay person? I cant see how at that point. I told him so even

Having gay friends is still kind of new to many (if not most) people, so be patient, but also don't let yourself be a doormat.

I'd just like some like-minded friends who I could relate to. Who I can talk to about other guys, and discuss gay issues with. Right now, that is non-existant. I have no outlet for any of that.

As to being a doormat; I'm a very easygoing guy. I was raised to be kind, generous and conscientious to others. Since I dont need much to be content in a situation, I tend to go with the flow and be a doormat. I DO get vocal though when I feel like Im being used as a doormat.

[mbennet35]

If you need to talk in private send me a PM. I can relate to a lot of what you posted.

[MisterTinkles]

I'm 27, a virgin, and in all those years, I've had one BF, which lasted maybe 3 months? Maybe.
Boyfriends are overrated. You need to learn to be happy with yourself, before you can be happy with anyone else.

What I realized in 27 years of being alone; I need someone to have any will to do anything anymore. I tried putting my life back together recently. Went back to school in something I find extremely interesting. For a while, loneliness was the last thing on my mind.
That was at the beginning of the year. Now Im doing nothing, living off some savings. Looking at options, considering drastic changes, like moving to a new place and starting fresh, which is a possibility for a little while before my funds get to low.
Sometimes drastic measures mean kicking it all off and moving someplace else. The world is a HUGE place. So, where youre at isnt working for you.....move. If that place doesnt suit you, move again. I knew a girl that would work a job until she had the money to move. Then she would move to another location and work thre until she saved enough money to move again. To her, this is the only way she knew she would be able to meet people and see the country. Im not saying you need to do what she did, but if where you are at depresses you this much......leave it.

I've never felt like part of the gay community. I tried going to some local bars, and they were all.. Well they seemed specialized to certain types of people, none of which I am.
I've searched for activities I could join in or around the city to maybe meet some people, etc, and nothing of interest happens here that suites my tastes, or even touches on something I might be interested in. Going to an activity without even the slightest interest in the activity seems like a foolish idea. Clubs are even worse imo, because im not a club goer, and like a quieter atmosphere. Where I live, it seems these are my only choices... Or bathhouses, which
You are not "mainstream" gay. You like what is real, not what is fake. So you dont fit in....neither do I, or a million more of us. WHY do you have to fit in to anything "gay" anyway? There's more options in the world than that.

Tried some dating sites, but I'm extremely shy by nature. My few attempts to start a conversation ended with either people ignoring me, or looking for sex, etc. Some of the profiles have been up for a while, and never have I gotten any messages. I know I shouldn't wait and expect people to message me, but whenever I message others, it seems like I'm not even worth replying to. this makes me think I must look like a troll or ogre or something. I don't think so, but when you cant remember a single compliment in One's favor, you start to think you're the ugliest thing out there.
Online dating sites are no more than online bars where you pick up a trick for the night. Dont even waste your time.

They told me being kind, generous and loyal is all you need... Well, I realized late in life that all that is second to looks. Even average looks. Who cares if someone is kind, generous or loyal, they dont make the looks cut, so who gives a damn.
There are a lot of people who have enough working brains to know that there is more to someone than looks. Yes, we all initially are attracted to looks, but those who have actual thoughts in their heads know that its all about getting to know someone, not just what they look like. There are many of us like this out there, but are hard to find, simply because the shallow and vain plastic people breed like flies.

I dont consider myself ugly. I look in the mirror, and see someone handsome. I guess Im just not BF material.
We are all BF material, its just finding him that is the problem. For me, its monetary. I dont have the money to be moving around to all the places I would like to move too, and finally settle on one place. Im stuck where I am. This "well" is dry, there arent any "fish" in this pond. If you can move, move. You are only improving your chances by 100% every time you move somewhere new.

Anyways, this gaping hole of loneliness has begun destroying my life, and I dont have the will to bring it in check. I lost half my close friends a few months after I came out, and this was after They pretended to be fine with it, while using those months to keep me in my pit of depression I was in before Coming out. I thought I moved passed that, but apparently not.
I also realised recently that my other friends, even my "Best friend" aren't really friends at all. There is no give and take, there is only take.
here's an example; I recently rekindled a friendship with someone. My Best Friend doesnt like that person. I see my Best friend maybe... twice a week? less if he works overtime. My new old friend is free most nights, so we can hang out. Well, my Best friend is no longer my best friend, because I am apparently spending too much time with this other person. It got to the point where it felt like a jealous lover (which its not) trying to control who I can and Cannot hang out with. To the point where he know doesn't even talk to me much anymore, because I told him what he sounds like, and he disagreed. Last time I saw him, he mentioned he doesn't care anymore, yet during that time where he seemed like the jealous type, he did everything from yell at me, shame me, talk shit about me to family friends while I was sitting right there.
Your friends and family are the people you choose to be in your life. If they arent working, then get some new ones and discard the old ones. I did, and Im much happier for it. I have 5 close friends who I consider my family. And thats enough for me.

It was really stupid. I happen to share my views surrounded by woman, some femminists. A cute, bookish woman happen to make a comment along the lines of, "Wow, Exactly. This is the kind of guy I'd want"
Being gay, I found this a nice compliment, mainly cause I get so few nice things said to me, and especially since I was expressing what I truly believe, and not something I was saying due to company.
His response, "yeah, but dont listen to him. He's never had a girlfriend. his opinion shouldnt count."
Yeah, thanks "Bestie"
I guess that's what you get when you have a closet homophobe as a best friend. I say this because three years after I came out, and he still feels it necessary to tell me going to grab a bite to eat at McD's is not a date. Doing stuff together is not a date. Gay jokes that dont use the usual negative innuendos is not ok.... Oh, and time and again, he's told me I should do this or do that to have fun with being gay, but what he suggests tends to be demeaning or just a way to have a laugh at my expense for being gay. I point this out, but no one see what im saying. Thats the problem with having only straight friends; I cant crack great gay jokes and have people laugh for the proper reasons.
You dont need people dragging you down, you need people lifting you up. If they cant help you, then they are harming you. Ignore them, let them go their own ways. Nobody needs that.

And this comes back around to the not being able to join the community at large, because it seems to revolve around bars, clubs or bathhouses, unless your lucky enough to meet someone outside these venues, but unless One works with other gay people, this never actually seems to happen.
There is more to life than bars, clubs, and bathhouses. You have to get out there and look at the world to see what it has for you.

All this, and other points (Getting kinda long, so Imma wrap this up), make me feel like I'm doomed to live alone, until I either go crazy, or kill myself... Something that I've sworn would never be a choice... Im just lost on how to move forward here, and the anxiety/frustrations have led me to write this.
I felt that way when I was younger, then I fought my demons and I won. How did I get out of that funk? I thought of all these assholes and douchebags that have made my life hell....so I decided to turn it around on them. I sure as hell was NOT going to let THEM win over me!!! I told myself I am going to LIVE to make THEIR lives a living hell. And I have done that for all the assholes and douchebags that have infested my life. They will NEVER get away with the shit they torment people with, to me or anyone I know. And I have become pretty damn good at it.

Thanks for reading...

Tl;Dr - I'm a 27 year old virgin who thinks everyone sees me as ugly as sin. I have a best friend who doesn't understand how homophobic his comments sound, or how much they hurt. I find that 27 years alone has left me with no will to do anything with my life.

You being a virgin has nothing to do with anything. Boyfriends are overrated. Theres more to life than bars. Find some new friends. Move someplace else. Those are my suggestions.

[ceez]

I know exactly how you feel, I'm not out to anyone because I know I wouldn't have any friends after, but you are doing a little better than I am, I haven't even attempted to go to a bar or club yet. I'm sorry I don't have any good advice for you, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

I think we all, at some point in our lives, wish we could hit the reboot button and start afresh.

A lot of us "oldies" didn't come to terms with our own sexuality until very late in life. So if you think things are hard at 27, just remember there are some of us out here who didn't come out to anyone until we were in our *cough* 40's, by which point we were well closeted in our "perfect" little straight lives, with senior management jobs, big mortgages and the prerequisite 2.5 children.

Try coming out as gay, then try to date on the scene as a saggy 40 year old, where agism is alive and kicking and if your not slim, dressed in the latest designer clothes, hip, androgynous and under 25, you don't get a look in. You think its hard at 27? You, my friend, need to wake up and smell the roses as they say.

If you think bars, clubs and bathhouses are the be-all and end-all of the gay scene then Im not surprised your feeling lonely. Your looking in the wrong places. Sure those places have there uses, but finding love is (in almost all cases) not one of them.

You, young man, need a good kick up the arse. If your "bestie" isn't providing you with the kind of support and encouragement you need, then its time to find a new bestie! If your bestie is a homophobe who doesn't even know your gay, then maybe you actually need to give them a kick up the arse, to the nearest curb....

Oh to be 27 again..........

The world is your oyster my friend. Take that bag off your head and be yourself.

ObW
X

[Waylon777]

I can relate to some of the things you said. I'm not much of bar or club goer, but that's not the only place you can meet people in. You can meet someone while walking down a street, you can meet someone while going to hostels and you can meet a person while going to a Japanese restaurant. Heck, I've made hobo friends before while waiting for bus. Either way, people are everywhere, just like how lice and termites are everywhere. So go to as many places as you can when you have free time, and talk. It doesn't matter what you say, but talk. Friendship won't begin until one of the people says something. Also, your friends seems a little selfish, it's nice to have someone there for you, but if those people are essentially dragging you down, or hurting you, then there's not point of being friends with them, they would just be using you as a personal teddy bear or something. Also, I've visited Montreal before, and several of my friends lives there, Montreal is very nice place. You don't really have to search online for events and stuff, you could always just walk around the corner and see what happens. You could also join a local club activity or something. Maybe a charity organization, starting fresh with you community may help you meet different people in where you live.