We should go to Hell

[Pix]

According to the Onion:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/hell-no.../?ref=auto

“It’s just nice to finally live in a place where I don’t feel like an outcast or an outsider,” said Vanessa Aldridge, 38, stressing that she has faced absolutely no discrimination since she, like all homosexuals and gay sympathizers, was sentenced to an eternity in Lucifer’s Den immediately upon her death. “There’s no stigma attached to openly being who I am here. Everyone is respected and free to live the way they want to live.”

“It’s really refreshing, frankly, to live in a place where nobody gives me any weird looks when I walk hand-in-hand with my girlfriend,” Aldridge continued. “And all of the other eternally damned homosexuals down here feel the same. I thank Satan every day for welcoming me here.”

“The gay community has really flourished here, and I have to say, they’ve been great for the place,” said Nephirem the Malevolent, a 10,000-year-old, 70-foot-tall minotaur who has resided in hell since rising from the ashes of a smokeless flame. “At the end of the day, they’re just like anyone else. Everyone has the right to express their love for whomever they want. They don’t bother me in the slightest, and if anything, we in the Dark Lord’s Army encourage any and all public displays of affection between same-sex couples.”

“I think it’s great that they’ve carved out such a strong community for themselves here,” added the horned beast of ceaseless death and destruction. “I’m all for it.”

In stark contrast to Hell’s ongoing embrace of persecuted groups, sources confirmed that Heaven remains the most bigoted and intolerant place in the universe.

[Pix]

A Pagan dies and finds himself being welcome by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

The Pagan says, "But I don't believe in heaven."

Peter frowns at him. "You're one of those Pagans, aren't you?"

"Yes. I believe I'm in the wrong place. I'm supposed to go to Summerland."

Peter says, "Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it's temporarily closed for remodeling."

"What should I do now?"

Peter says, "Well, since we don't allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left."

The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear streams of water. He walks on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a courtly gentleman walks up to him and bows politely. "Hello, I'm Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you a Pagan?"

"Yes, I am. What's going to happen now?"

Satan says, "Well, the fishing's pretty good, if you enjoy that sort of thing. There's a little refreshment stand down the road. And I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are right over the next hill."

Suddenly, a hole opens up in the sky above, and a yawning chasm opens directly underneath it. The stench of sulfur fills the air. Hundreds of screaming, tortured souls drop down into the flaming pit, which immediately closes up with a thud.

The Pagan, hardly believing what he just saw, asks Satan, "And what was THAT!?"

Satan rolls his eyes. "Oh, just ignore them, they're Christians. They wouldn't have it any other way."