Hi When he was around 16 this happened. When he talks about this he seems very confused, and a lot of questions are answered with I dont know or I don't remember. The other guy was older than him and it started as just a friendship where the older guy would watch over my fiance when his brother was mean to him or when others were. He often bought my fiance gifts. He then started to touch him and doing sexual things, and my fiance let him. I asked him if he enjoyed it and he said he was just so confused he didn't know what to do but that it did feel good. He said he was never attracted to this man, nor has he ever beeen attracted to a man. He said this went on for a while until his father confronted him and that man and then it stopped. He said one night while he was sleeping at this guys house that he did penetrate him. He feels very uncomfortable talking about this. He said he was just very confused at that age but ever since we have been together he's known he wants a woman. He said he's not gay, as I asked him more questions about why he let it go on he said he didn't know, maybe because he was curious about sex in general and it didn't matter wether it was a guy or a girl. He said maybe he is bi, but yet he said he is in no way attracted to men. He is very ashamed about all of this and keeps telling me he loves me more than anything. We have been together 5 years. I just don't know what to do with all of this info or how to feel. His brother is gay and we are both very supportive of him, could it be that this also confused him when he was young? Our sex life is good, he's attracted to me, and I turn him on.
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As a victim myself of sexual abuse at a young age I'd say that is what this is. Your post reads like a manual on how to set up someone to abuse them. Befriend them, protect them, give them gifts, start by touching them a little (which feels good but also confusing) and eventually you can screw them. That is exactly what sexual abuse is all about. I eventually had to go to therapy to deal with mine. I was useful for me to go and just talk it out and put it in perspective. He doesn't sound gay to me.
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Bingo. If he's confused about it at all he should seek therapy. If you're confused about it at all, seek therapy with him. By all means don't hold it against him. 16 is still a kid and he got caught up in a situation out of his control. The older guy knew what he was doing and there should have been much more severe consequences for him.
For that matter, your fiance's parents would have done well to get him into counseling back then. Issues like that don't need to fester.
And please don't let this affect your outlook on gay men in general. Most of us are outraged by predatory behavior not only because it's really, really wrong morally but because we're sick of a few sickos being held up as examples of the evils of homosexuality. By and large we're not like that. This wasn't a gay issue it was an abuse issue. The fact that the victim was a boy doesn't make it any more or less wrong than if the victim were a girl.
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Thank you, both of you, for replying. I also feel that this was more so an abuse issue than anything, and this absolutely does not change my view on gay men or my love and support for them, because him abusing my fiance has nothing to do with him being gay but with him being a scumbag. I also agree action should have been taken, and I spoke to his gay older brother about this as well and he is outraged by all of this as well and very upset at his parents for not taking action. The only thing that really scares me is that my fiance is so confused about it and he said he doesn't know why he didn't stop it. He said he doesn't know if it was because he was scared or because he did want it. He just keeps saying he doesn't know. This scares me becauae what if on some level he did want this and one day he will realize that and I won't be enough? After we are married and have children. I am trying to not let this affect our relationship but itit's just gotten me very emotional. I do think he needs to speak to someone about this, maybe I do as well. Thanks for the advice and support, I so greatly appreciate it.
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Also him and his family were still in contact with this guy after we started dating, he said nothing happened after we started dating, he said he doesnt know exactly when it all ended but he thinks before he met me. Before he met me he had this huge crush on this other girl. Hes always liked and has been attracted to girls.
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I posted another long reply, may have even posted it twice, its not showing but the second time I posted it it said it wouldn't show until a mod approved it.
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I agree some counseling before you get married is a good idea.
But it's not very clear from your posts exactly WHO this older guy is and exactly HOW much older than your fiance' is he?
If this was an abusive relationship (he was 16 and the older guy was an adult >18) then I'm wondering WHY is he still in the picture with your fiance' and his family.
It's pretty vague. I'm not sure you're asking the right questions here.
Who, What, When, Where, Why, etc...
See what I'm saying?
A counselor might help you here.
Good luck.
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Your fiancée needs some support...big time.
He needs to learn that what happened wasn't his fault, he was taken advantage of. He also has to let go of the guilt he carries for what has happened and if he was scared to say no for whatever reason...losing a friend or a threat of violence for example, then he needs to be able to reconcile that with himself that he is not to blame, he is the victim and the older friend manipulated, used and abused him inappropriately.
Your fiancée would definitely benefit from counselling.
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Well, my other post never posted, not sure why! But thank you, all of you. I did sit down and talk woth him about talking to someone professional and he said he would try. However hard it will be, we will try to work through it!
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