Input on a Relative Visiting.

[Genersis]

A bit out of the blue, I know, but I need some advice.

A cousin of mine who I haven't seen or spoken to in ten years, and is around my age, want's to visit.

This scares me a lot.
Basically I do not know who she is any more, and now I am told by my parents(whom I still live with) that she want's to visit to catch up with my brother and I.

I should explain, this ten years of not seeing her is all my fault; I have a lot of social anxiety and suffered(and possibly still suffer) from chronic depression, to the point where I avoid family gatherings, and have done for ten years.

I can't hold a conversation to save my life, I don't do nor am into anything most people my age are, and if she asks me any difficult questions I'll panic.
I think any visit would be incredibly embarrassing and ergo depressing.

I can't really decline, as I feel it wouldn't go down well with my family.

What should I do?:frown:

Thanks, at least for reading this post.

[dfiant1]

Alcohol, or if that isn't an option, could you or your brother explain your situation to your cousin so that there are no surprises on her behalf?

Yeah it may be 10 years, but it isn't like a blind date or someone you have never met, so they kind of already know you and if the situation is explained, those awkward moments may be avoided or at least managed?

[Vigilias]

Avoidance only feeds the problem.

Surely your family will understand and be supportive.

Speak to them.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I would say rely on the tried and trued methods that you have applied in other social situations however it appears you rely on avoidance behaviors which most likely won't work here.

Have you ever been to therapy? If so did your therapist suggest 'tools' to make the symptoms more manageable? If yes, then its time to pull those tools out and dust them off and start using them.

If you didn't/don't recall perhaps using Google to find sites that talk about tools you can try may be helpful: https://www.google.com/#psj=1&q=coping+s...al+anxiety is an example of that.

What about your partner? What role does he play in typical social settings when you two are out of the house?

My ex played - social butterfly - I got used to playing the role of 'Strong Silent Partner' - the partner who stands their silently nodding in agreement as his talkative partner did all the talking for 'us'. I didn't need to talk because eventually he would say everything that needed to be said.

If this is similar in your case, perhaps just stick to this tried and true method.

Since this is a family member, then someone needs to tell her 'Look, this is what you need to expect to happen when you are visiting' and having a concise short list of your 'eccentricities'.

Maybe not you, but your partner, your brother needs to have this talk with her. No doubt your trying to explain to her will be way too embarrassing.

Try to keep in mind that this experience is a good one for you, its giving you a chance to use your tools with someone who is far safer to be you around than a perfect stranger.

I suspect that she most likely has at least a partial clue - after all ten years of avoidance behaviors doesn't go unnoticed and surely someone in your family was put to the question about 'where is........?' when you were absent.

[Genersis]

Alcohol, or if that isn't an option, could you or your brother explain your situation to your cousin so that there are no surprises on her behalf?

Yeah it may be 10 years, but it isn't like a blind date or someone you have never met, so they kind of already know you and if the situation is explained, those awkward moments may be avoided or at least managed?

keep it simple and just be kind and open to her.
ask her to visit again.

Avoidance only feeds the problem.

Surely your family will understand and be supportive.

Speak to them.

Thanks for the replies.mile:
I probably am blowing this out of proportion a bit.
I know the most important thing is to be kind, be honest, and be myself.
Things should go relatively smoothly if I stick to that regardless of what may happen.

I just wish my rational side could could keep my worries in check better.

I would say rely on the tried and trued methods that you have applied in other social situations however it appears you rely on avoidance behaviors which most likely won't work here.

Have you ever been to therapy? If so did your therapist suggest 'tools' to make the symptoms more manageable? If yes, then its time to pull those tools out and dust them off and start using them.

If you didn't/don't recall perhaps using Google to find sites that talk about tools you can try may be helpful: https://www.google.com/#psj=1&q=coping+s...al+anxiety is an example of that.

What about your partner? What role does he play in typical social settings when you two are out of the house?

My ex played - social butterfly - I got used to playing the role of 'Strong Silent Partner' - the partner who stands their silently nodding in agreement as his talkative partner did all the talking for 'us'. I didn't need to talk because eventually he would say everything that needed to be said.

If this is similar in your case, perhaps just stick to this tried and true method.

Since this is a family member, then someone needs to tell her 'Look, this is what you need to expect to happen when you are visiting' and having a concise short list of your 'eccentricities'.

Maybe not you, but your partner, your brother needs to have this talk with her. No doubt your trying to explain to her will be way too embarrassing.

Try to keep in mind that this experience is a good one for you, its giving you a chance to use your tools with someone who is far safer to be you around than a perfect stranger.

I suspect that she most likely has at least a partial clue - after all ten years of avoidance behaviors doesn't go unnoticed and surely someone in your family was put to the question about 'where is........?' when you were absent.

I did see a therapist, well, several over the course of eight years, but I was dropped because of a lack of continued improvement. I learned a lot about myself, but I didn't really get much in the way of dealing with my anxieties beyond trying to be positive, and looking at things objectively.

My boyfriend is of the long distance kind, so while he is much more capable than I at the whole social thing, he's unfortunately an hours flight away.:redface:

I will try and talk with her online, via email and the like, hopefully that will alleviate my worries to some degree.

Thanks again everyone.

[Lilitu]

I don't know how much this can apply, because extended families in Chinese culture a little different.

But when I went to China last year and had to meet with all these relatives I hadn't talked to for over 7 years, as well as the slight language barrier and culture shock (and it didn't help that I was sick half the time and constantly in a state of anxiety and fatigue due to the unfamiliar surroundings and diet change), my family (cousins etc.) dealt with this by just doing things all the time, and going places. It's just a whole lot easier to hold that obliged social interaction when there are actualy things to talk about.

[Waylon777]

Hmm, i visit my relatives in China maybe once every 3 to 6 years. On top of that, I can't speak the language, but I can't understand it, so I've made a lot of impression on my relatives as a really shy socially awkward guy. But, every time I go back, they welcome me no matter what we'd done in the past. I'm pretty sure your cousin just wants to get in touch with her extended families more. Also, if you get comfortable with her, tell her that you get panicked sometimes. I think it helps her to understand to go at your pace, instead of being asked of many different questions at once. I'm also into things that people around my age aren't mostly into, but that never stops me from talking about it when I want to, if people ignore you for that instead talking about the most popular topic, I think it just gets quite boring and you never learn about that person.

[partis]

hey gen, know a little how you feel, things always seem worse than they are, just be yourself, start thinking about getting your own place, then YOU can choose who you want to see & when, on your own terms, its even harder with parents who we always a little held back with, its hard to be yourself with family, and especially to get to know new people with parents around, yes blood is thicker than water but water runs a lot more smoothly, friends are the family we choose for ourselves, good luck mate.

[hank]

I had a similar issue. A cousin I haven't seen in fifteen years. The anxiety before hand melted away once we got together. There were some really tough questions asked and they were not that tough in reality.