slowly starting to move on

[NayNay]

Hey guys,

Here I am posting about moving on from my ex. I suppose this is an update/ need of support post. I m not even counting the time anymore between when we broke up and now. I have contacted him every now again, and he even contacted me once. I know that my contact with him has only been to try and gain contact to regain friendship and start a relationship again, so I have stopped contact. I also deleted all of his friends that I have on his facebook that are not mutual friends. I even deleted a couple of them I got along with, but sent them a message saying its better for me to move forward and that I appreciated getting to know them.

I banned myself from checking any websites that my ex is on, any facebook page that I might see pictures of him, and generally trying to get him out of my mind. It has been a tough road, but I am starting to feel better. I am just letting my emotions flow and not trying to keep anything bottled up anymore.

His friends that I did message, messaged me back and said very positive things about myself and it was really nice to know they saw me as a good, kind person.

I have started making plans for the future, trips to Toronto, New York, and beyond for 2014.

It is a strange feeling, it feels like I need to piece back my life. All that I did wrong during the time of our relationship, I see clearly now. I basically decided while I was in the relationship that I was not as important as my ex, and I hope to never let myself do that again.

I have see a therapist about my anxiety, depression issues and it seems to have helped a lot. I may only have one more session with him. I still get anxiety, but it is starting to be less and less severe.

I tend to look too far ahead in the future, so I am trying to just focus on what I want to do now in my life. I have always wanted to travel to different destinations, and right now I have a stable job, a job that I love, so I just need to budget myself and actually do what I want to do.

I am starting to believe the whole notion of love being an addiction, because I believe I was more addicted to the thought of our love, than what the reality of the situation was. I always gave my ex the benefit of the doubt, seeing things his way all the time, etc... which was a great challenge to my perception of life. It came to a point where me and my ex did not see eye to eye on the future and it frustrated me.

Anyways that was just a little ramble. Whenever I have my weak moments I always think of him, and I try to keep myself busy or do something else instead of always thinking about him. I just hope that I can finally move passed this completely and not think about him as much. It is hard, to force myself not to try to message him, or to not look at his pictures. Like I said it feels like an addiction. I have slowly stopped, and now I want to go cold turkey and not try to look up for information on him ever again. At least until I feel comfortable and completely moved on with my life.

Anyone got any advice as to how channel your energy into something good, and not worry about finding someone? I have the toughest time being single lol. I need to become a little more independent.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Got hobbies? When I'm in a foul mood or thinking about a 'no-no' subject I go do a hobby - or I just go trim the shrubbery (lots of that to be trimmed).

Healing and getting a person or a thing is a time issue. For different people it takes different amounts of time.

I have the toughest time being single lol. I need to become a little more independent.

Feeling a need to have a partner - that most likely will not go away completely.

Independence is over rated - seriously it is. Humans need to depend on someone, somewhere along the line. Humans are social creatures that need contact with other humans and if you start walling yourself, you will find yourself being fiercely independent and most likely driving those who can give you what you need away. And being too independent can cause a lot more internal pain than what you are feeling now.

So its OK to want to be with another person, even to lay in bed hugging a pillow 'desperate' for a bit of affection now and then. Knowing you need such and just accepting the first person who comes along is two different things. Having needs is ok, having wants are ok as well, as long as you can keep yourself as safe as possible when trying to fill those.

I always gave my ex the benefit of the doubt, seeing things his way all the time, etc...

Well in theory that is what partners do. Granted there is a point where that goes from being healthy to codependency. Did you cross that point? I can't tell you that. It is possible but then again I don't know your motivations and what you felt it would achieve at the time.

I think that you should continue to use the therapist - you have questions - perhaps not fully formed questions about who and what you are as an individual and as a partner to a mate.

For the record, you are doing great - you are processing, thinking and doing what you need to do to get 'over' him and to move on. These are all very good things. And it sounds to me that you are asking the right questions about a lot of stuff.

No its not easy, yes it will hurt - some days hurt more than others, but its all part of the process.

What will happen is that one day you will wake up and suddenly it will dawn on you that you haven't thought about him and what thoughts you have about him may be warm - fond memories sort of warm, not 'I love him' warm - to indifferent.

[NayNay]

You are right - on the subject of time, it is different or each person.

On the matter of co-dependency, I briefly read up online about it. I am probably slightly co-dependent. I do not think I have full blown co-dependency, but I definitely have some traits. I did put my ex needs ahead of mine, and I ve always had lower self esteem etc... I basically did all I did to look after him and take care of him, while neglecting my own needs.

I know I am doing better now because I am affirming my own needs and emotions. I am keeping them in check and starting to see with a clearer mind. I will win this battle and move on and be happy, I just need to be patient with myself and give it time.

I do agree with you that being independent is not the best thing. Everyone is dependent on other human beings whether they like to admit it or not. I do believe I need to be a little more confident in myself which will make me a little more independent. It is a matter of finding the right balance of dependency and independence.

[nfisher1226]

When I first came to this forum it was due to a recent breakup. It's something that took a while to recover from. There were days that I thought I was over it only to realize I was still pining.

I think there's something to the stages of grief as some explain them. I think Bowyn Aerrow did a great job explaining how relationships fit into the human condition, too. We're only meant to be independent to a point.

Hobbies really are a great way to help get through these times. Having something to do is going to be greatly preferable to having too much time to think.

I, too, think you you're doing well dealing with this. When the time is right, you may be surprised to meet someone who you feel like trying again with. Here's wishing you all the best.

[NayNay]

What annoys me sometimes while trying to do hobbies that I like, I get the feeling of being guilty. Guilty about being happy without him. It's a strange feeling. One day I'll be perfectly ok, the next day I won't . It just feels like I'm waiting for the next weak breakdown. I just want all the tears to come out once and for all so that indont have to think of breaking down again when I'm by myself. Losing love is hard to cope with. No matter she the reality was.

[NayNay]

Lol I was thinking of getting a cat actually... I feel like a dog would be too much reaponsibility at this point in my life .

[Memby]

darkenedshadow, I'm sorry to hear this. Remember it's not you, it's you and him. As they say, it takes two. No fault lies at your doorstep, it's you and him. It'll be painful, but sadly, it sounds like a journey you have to take.

That said, is there any way at all, you can reconcile your differences with each other and, instead of being lovers, be close friends?

[NayNay]

darkenedshadow, I'm sorry to hear this. Remember it's not you, it's you and him. As they say, it takes two. No fault lies at your doorstep, it's you and him. It'll be painful, but sadly, it sounds like a journey you have to take.

That said, is there any way at all, you can reconcile your differences with each other and, instead of being lovers, be close friends?

I'm not sure that we can reconcile anytime soon. I made the break up kind of messy. I didn't intend to make it that way. I have my own self esteem issues I need to deal with. I hope one day we can be friends and hanf out, but it won't be anytime soon

[Matt]

Eh. Go volunteer at a nonprofit. Join a club or group. I do both.

Granted I cuddle with a pillow every night (don't judge). But at least when I want it, I'm getting human contact.