Settling to just be single..?

[starbelly]

Doubtful. Very doubtful.

Considering how well humans lie to themselves about Self, how many work real hard to downplay if not deny their foibles and imperfections, how many are hard at work on selling themselves on their good points and how too few actually accept their partner's flaws - This is a downright dirty lie.

Honesty - humans don't do that. Go to any relationship site (not hook up site) and read how many boyscout that are well adjusted, professional, without 'issues' that exist in the world. If this was wholly accurate, then why are they single? Ok Cupid is full of men who are practically perfect in every way demanding that their next partner has 'no issues' 'no drama' and is a professional like they are.

How many 1-2 year relationships hit the black rocks of reality when suddenly 'My BF/GF is not the person I actually met":

"Why did s/he change?"
"What did I do to make him/her different - How do I make my SO the person they once were?"

"S/He told me he was into strict monogamy, but s/he is cheating on me."
"S/He said he is ultra clean, but s/he hasn't lifted one finger to clean the house."
"S/He told me s/he doesn't like video games, but since getting the latest version of WOW s/he spends all night long on the game and totally ignores me."


"What happened? What went wrong?"

What happened; the actor forgot his/her lines, the person became comfortable with their partner to where they shucked the masked that they used to catch this perfect (but lets face it, there are things I can fix in them) partner.

How often do we agonize over saying the 'right thing' which means we are wondering what exactly we need to say to appease the person we are talking to. Does anyone actually sit there and list their faults on their first date? No they go on and on talking about how great a person they are (or how shitty their ex turned out to be) or they focus on what they think the person wants to hear and do their damned level best to hide the real creature, the errors, the foibles, those parts of themselves that they are afraid will doom them to ever lasting loneliness and celibacy.

It happens in every single social interaction that humans have - constantly the lies flow out of the mouths always in an attempt to sell ourselves to the person we are talking too.

How many posts have we here about people who want to change who they are and what they are to meet some idealized standard of what a 'good partner' is. how man introverts what to deny they are an introvert and magically become an extrovert in order to meet their 'perfect mate'?

People are always seeking to deny their basic nature, to be something they are not in order to 'trap' people into their web of deceit thinking that they will find that they want by lying through their teeth to get that.

So no, I seriously doubt anyone falls in love with the real person - they fall in love with the mask of the person, the character that person plays in the dating role in order to catch a person who is also playing themselves off as the 'perfect match'.

Even fundamental parts of the dating scene in the Gay world (as far as I know) is about lying about what I want. Way too many guys saying 'I want a LTR' when the truth is they want to fuck you and forget you - Why the lie?

How many threads do we have here from guys who discover that the guy they are/were dating wanted a LTR then has decided that 'lets be FYB'?


Honesty is so hated in the dating world that my advert which laid out my 'issues' got tons of hits - hits by guys telling me maybe I shouldn't be THAT honest and try to focus on my 'good points'.

Apparently they seem to read that I can lie about waking up screaming in the middle of the night from PTSD, or that my extreme aversion to social settings can be hidden forever. Apparently seasonally depressed is not acceptable and my saying 'Oh I have no issues' is going to fly and that somehow I will manage to be in character for the next 20+ years.

Truth - no one wants that. Fall in love with the real person - hardly, everyone wants the perfect mate without issues, without problems, without drama - Good luck - that ain't going to happen.

I think you've kind of twisted around the main point of what I was saying, but yes, this pertains to MANY situations, though not all of them. I think there are people out there who are genuinely honest about themselves though upfront, and those are the sorts of people I'm interested in. At this point in my life I don't have the energy to lie about shit to people, and I can't fathom doing that with a potential partner or someone I'm romantically interested in. I watched my mom do that to her third husband— her entire relationship was built on lies (i.e. he didn't know there ever was a second husband) and it came crashing down on her. It's a disaster and I'm well aware of what playing parts is. Believe it or not, though I've never been in a relationship, I think I've learned a lot of what NOT to do by watching my parents' horribly dysfunctional relationships as examples.

[Joshular]

I will admit, as an American, I may just not be in the know here and maybe "Romance" has different connotations in New Zealand than in my country. I would never consider the flowers I buy for my mother on her birthday, for example, to be Romance. I do have intimacy with some of my family but the intimacy I hope to find with a romantic partner is different.

I give of myself in different ways when it comes to my romantic partners than my family. And, no, not like that. Well, yes like that, but not just like that. I guess it is harder to explain than I thought, going into this reply.

Nurh it's exactly romantic u.u You know like with candles and shit.

The way I love my mum with be extremely similar to the way I love my partner when/if I fall in love every again (only difference is that there will be sex). She's the one I try out all my moves on tbh and if they don't work well I won't be using them to try land me a guy. Like seriously most of you can't say you aren't romantically attracted to your mothers cos you are u.u
There some famous guy who said that most guys are sexually attracted to their mothers.
Physiology.
It's just facts that you either don't recognize or refuse to.

[DandJforever]

It is better to be single, than to be in a miserable relationship.

[Matt]

Let me drink another beer then I'll chime in on this with my rant.

[Matt]

OK. Now that that other beer is on board, I can continue on with this rant. Caution, this may or may not make sense. You may want to take everything that I say with some granules of salt as I'm about as cynical and jaded as one can get.

So, right now, you're feeling OK with it. That's great, and it will change. MOST human beings crave some form of partnership, the intimacy, sharing of life events on a more personal level, etc. Dee pdown inside, I think that there's some form of a knight in shining armor out there for me, but that's just some silly little hope. The reality of the situation is that men are absolute fucking scum...and this has only been perpetuated with the avent and prominence of Grindr, Jackd and all the other ridiculous online based dating bullshit out there.

Lets face it, these entire apps and sites were built for one thing in mind. Sex. It's the new gay bar...hell its more like a fucking bathhouse. They may just call them vain and twink'd because I have literally met 2 real people on there. People that were actually looking for chat or friends, not to fill a hole or have theits filled.

I'll admit. I use the apps. They're actually depressing as hell. What do purpose do they serve, instant access to some cock? It's like Craigslist without AIDS. I may be totally off base here, bt its like we all need to get rid of these apps and dating sites and all the other lovely bullshti thas supposed to make our lives easier as gays and go actually meet people. I say this as I'm typing relatively anonymously on a gay chat message board, but that's irony for you.

Back on topic...

I TRY to be OK with being alone. And I suck at it. Anyone that says they're totally OK with being alone should either be a monk or is lying. Plain and simple. Of course, my ability to cope with being alone is not going well, especially this time of year, as I have mega issues with being alone around my birthday and near the holidays. I had some interesting points to go off of, but I forget them.

im done with this. need another beer

#QuasimodoOut

[trywait]

It is better to be single, than to be in a miserable relationship.

agree !

[Rosie]

I do not think that choosing to be happily single is settling at all. I know plenty of people who have chosen to live incredibly fulfilling lives as single people instead of committing to one person. I was one of those people for a very long time, and even though I am now happily married I know for a fact that I would have been just as happy living out my days as a single person. In my mind one is not superior to the other, they are just different. Live your life to the fullest, if you think that at some point you would like to be in a relationship stay open-minded about it (so that you do not miss out on what could be good opportunities) but do not allow that to be the primary focus of your life -do things that you enjoy, spend time with friends, and take great pleasure in knowing that you can do precisely what you want, when you want unlike those of us who are in relationships!

[boypt]

I'm the kind of person who totally invests in a relationship and ends up disappearing in, which is most likely the reason why things end up badly for me. This was my behaviour on the two long-term relationships I've had so far, which led to nothing but me suffering. I'm currently single, since the beginning of this summer, and have been learning how to be alone and not being sad about it. I has been hard for me, especially because I've lived with my previous boyfriend and now I'm alone and all my friends are far away. If want to go out or go to a bar or something I have to do it alone, which is something that I'm not quite ready to do. What I usually do when i'm feeling lonely is to travel whichever distance is needed to meet them and hang out with them.
The thing is, even though I've registered on a few dating sites I just don't feel like meeting someone righ now. That's strange given that in the past I usually felt the need find someone, even though the kind of people I've meet though those sites were mainly interested in one night stands. From all the people I've met there I only made one true friend. I think that i've changed my behaviour in relation with meeting guys because I've realized that I need to learn to love being with myself before finding someone else. Without being able to be happy by myself I would eventually end up making the same mistakes. I'ts not like I want to be alone for the rest of my life, I just want to feel confortable with the fact that I can be happy just being by myself.