I've been seeing this guy for maybe a month now - we've hung out 5 times (3 of those times resulted with us in bed together)
Most of those times just involved us hanging out in a casual setting like a bar, but one time we did go out to dinner together, and another time he came over to my apartment and we watched TV and cuddled on the couch which was really nice.
At first I was skeptical and didn't really have any expectations... I originally met him online where his profile said he was only interested in finding friends, casual short-term dates, or a FWB-type situation. I'm looking for something a little deeper than that, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to hang out with him. However I got the impression that after the first couple times we hung out, that he seemed interested in me as more than just a short-term thing or FWB, and I admit I'm starting to become more attracted to him.
I've dealt with bad rejections before though, after getting my hopes up too much, and I'm afraid for it to happen again. We haven't really spoken about what exactly it is we're looking for, and I feel like before I get too attached to him, I need to ask him where his head is at. But I'm hesitant about it because I don't want to scare him off with a question like that after only 5 times hanging out.
Is there a casual, nonchalant way to ask him what he's looking for? It's not like I intend to ask him if he wants to be exclusive with me because I don't even know if that's what I want myself, but it would be nice to get an idea of where he stands just so I know what could potentially come of this. Any tips?
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To tell the truth, there is NO safe way to ask another guy, even hint, about thoughts on "getting serious". They will either say they feel the same way, which they dont really...they say they do feel the same way and mean it....or they disappear off the face of the earth.
The two guys I ever felt like I wanted to get closer too, disappeared off the face of the earth when I mentioned that I would like to see them more.
One guy even started screaming at me, "I DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED" and ran out the door.
Who the hell said anything about marriage????!!!! I just wanted to get to know him better.
I tend to attract all the psycho's.
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DrPhibes Wrote:I tend to attract all the psycho's.
Good to know I'm not the only one! I have come to realize that the more a person says they detest drama, the more they are steeped in it whether self manufactured or from outside influences. I also tend to attract the ones that are driven to homosexuality by women, only to drive them right back to the other side. Or I get the unemployed users, losers, and substance abusers.
To the OP, a lot of people will run as soon as they sense a bit of pressure from someone, so perhaps just give it some time and see where it goes. Or if you really must see what condition Schrodinger's cat is in, go for it!
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It's a new relationship and you guys don't know much about each other. If you wanna get to know him better then keep seeing him you'll find out more about him and his lifestyle. Don't rush things. And if he really wants to get to know you as well, he will and when you guys are in a stage where you both are comfortable with talking to each other about your relationship, then you'll know. You don't even have to wait that much his actions and whatever will show you probably, emotions are stronger than words. And again, don't rush things.
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Thanks guys.
It really sucks because one night we were talking, and he was talking about this other guy he had been seeing but decided to cut it off with him because he "wasn't sure what he was looking for." That would have been the PERFECT opportunity for me to follow up with a question like "so what are YOU looking for?" but we just happened to get interrupted by a friend at that very moment. :|
I think it's probably better for me to wait until that question can be brought up naturally, rather than springing it on him and being like "I HAVE SOMETHING TO ASK YOU!!" since I'm sure that would freak him out. I guess I can always try starting up a conversation with him that I believe will end up leading to that question. I'm just really afraid that, like you guys said, it would scare him off.
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It's a risk you have to take.
Your are in the right place saying the question needs to come naturally, and when the 2 of you are relaxed, comfortable and enjoying a good time.
You should hang out a bit more with him and start noticing his reactions and behavior towards you..
does he seem like "ok, thank you for the sex now I have to go"? or does he seem into you in a deeper way...
take the chance whenever the suject comes up, but always in a casual way, (almost like you don't care abut the answer) and when you feel like he's receptive..i.e don't ask him that if he's pissed off about something or anything like that..
good luck
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That's a good point you bring up about the "thanks for the sex see you later" thing. As far as that goes I am kind of getting mixed signals.
Every time we've slept together it's always been late at night and it's always been when he's had to get up early the next morning, so he always says he needs to get going (or he'll say he needs some sleep if I'm at his place which basically insinuates he wants me to leave)... I wouldn't mind spending the night with him but he's never really seemed into it yet.
On the other hand though, one time when we hung out, he came over to my place, we cuddled on the couch and watched tv, and then we went out and continued being really affectionate with each other. We didn't even end up sleeping together that night but he texted me saying how much fun he had that night.
So yeah, it seems like a complete toss up to me in terms of what he wants
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Is there a casual, nonchalant way to ask him what he's looking for?
Hmm Nope - can't think of a way to broach this subject in this manner. Straight forward honesty without game playing, trying to talk about something without talking about it never really ends well.
Asking in a round about way is often more damaging than a point blank question.
I would suggest this is done in private, after a good meal and NOT after sex.
I would also suggest that you stress before you pop the question that it isn't mandatory he say yes and/or that you want as honest an answer as possible. Also include you are not sure where YOU are in this, what it is YOU want. As reflected in this statement:
Quote:It's not like I intend to ask him if he wants to be exclusive with me because I don't even know if that's what I want myself, but it would be nice to get an idea of where he stands just so I know what could potentially come of this.
So make it clear you are not asking him to be exclusive, but you would like to know where this is potentially going and are curious about what X,Y,Z means to him in the context of your current relationship/friendship.
It may also help if you tell him you are puzzled by what exactly Friend With Benefits actually means since some guys think its just a regular booty call, while others feel that cuddling in front of a TV and occasional sex and doing other things together is still FWB sort of situation.
If he freaks out over your asking for clarity here, then its best you two part ways now. I know it may not feel like that, but honestly it is.
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I would simply tell him that you enjoy his company and were wondering if he still wanted to have a fwb situation, or if he may be open to more in the future. Then explain that you are not asking him to be exclusive, but that you need clarification as to what direction your relationship is heading so that both of you are on the same page.
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Thanks guys! Your advice has helped a lot.
Luckily I already feel really comfortable talking to him - worst case scenario we will at least still be good friends I think. So I don't think it should be too difficult or awkward to talk to him about this - again, it's just a matter of wording it in a way that doesn't sound like I want him to be exclusive with me right now.
I'll try to keep things updated as things progress... Unfortunately it might be a while until I see him again since we're both busy this week and we'll both be out of town this weekend. I was almost considering asking him through a text but I figure that's probbbbably a bad idea, lol
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Asking him what he's looking for
