The Questions Unaswered

[CancerMan]

Why are there questions we are not supposed to ask? Are there any rules concerning communicating with a person we care about? What makes us believe that some matters, words and thoughts should remain unspoken?

Taking into account my history, I have negative experience with relationships. I've never been in one, never even found a guy who I would like to be in one and so did he. But right now I think MJ might be the one I was looking for and probably he thinks the same. The problem is that he mentioned that he's not looking for a partner. But recently I broke one of the question rules and simply asked why.

Why you don't wanna to create a relationship with someone? His answer really surprised me. He said he's afraid he would scare off potential parter with his emotional baggage and simply everyone he wanted to be with, didn't want the same. Is it something you can say to a person you care about and probably wanna be with? Or is this just a thing you share with a friend who you occasionally sleep with?

I thought he avoided this thought simply because his flatmate, he sleeps with in the same bed by the way, is his boyfriend.But he assured me they are not a couple. Is my friend who says it's a bullshit right?

How much a person you're dating can dare to ask? Why is it commonly believed that you simply cannot ask certain questions? Why all this should be a pure guesswork while we could just ask?

Do you feel something to me? Do you assume we can someday be together. Do you see any chance you will ever fall in love with me?

For now these questions remain unanswered...

[James]

You have the right to ask as you need to see how the realationship will advance, however don't push, some of us have to be brought around slowly, a trust so to speak, as we have been burned before, and now it takes alittle more time. Saying that, at somepoint all the answers must be revealed, this shouldn't take years, but sometimes a few months, Jim

[princealbertofb]

I find asking questions natural and I hope they are not threatening. I suppose what you can always add is the option of not answering... Something like: "I'd like to know why you think that such and such... It's ok if you don't want to answer, though. Feel free to ignore my question if I'm being too rude or instrusive."
That kind of approach doesn't seem so awkward, I guess.

Also, be genuinely interested in the person. What is very important in asking questions is being able to process the responses you've previously had. One answer leads to the following question etc... but make sure the person is always comfortable with giving you that extra bit of information. They don't have to, but they must feel free to give it without it feeling like they are in potential danger.

One way of showing that you are listening is to recap the previous bits of information you've heard, add a new question and maybe a supportive comment. Something like: "So your father threw you out without warning? Is that when you - whatever -...? Because your father isn't always right, you know."

Actually listening to the answers and showing empathy is probably the best way to get someone to open up a bit more. That is if they are not completely Neanderthal. I've found that it seems to work. No judgement, just real curiosity and empathy.

Best of luck.

[princealbertofb]

No one should expect anyone to go along with pure guesswork. That's silly. Otherwise what's the power of speech, that humans are lucky tohave, for?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Actually I ask the tough questions - yes it has lead to guys running screaming for the hills. However in my experience not asking the questions that need answers always ends up leading to far serious and deeper doo-doo than asking those questions.


Might I ask why it is he shares a bed with a mere flat mate? Is it a one bedroom flat that can only fit one little bed? Is there not a couch? Room for two twin beds?

I would find it odd to learn that a guy I am dating is sleeping in the same bed with his flatmate, unless there is a physical limitation, such as the bed room is so small it can only fit a double bed comfortably and two twin sized beds take up too much room.

[MisterTinkles]

Its not that you SHOULDNT ask questions, its just you have to know WHEN, WHERE, and under WHAT conditions certain questions should be asked.

I think telling you that he had too much baggage to carry into a relationship was pretty damn awesome of him. To me, this shows me he knows what he has to deal with in his life, and what all the issues are, and he is taking responsibility for them.

A responsible man is very sexy to me. Especially one who tells the truth.

As for sleeping with his roommate.....its not really an uncommon thing. Especially if you are limited on money and dont want to sleep on the floor or the bathtub, and there is only one bed available.
I mean, really. Ive slept with other men, and thats all it was......sleep.

Even IF they do have sex sometimes, apparently its not serious. Whats the term? Friends with benefits? I dont think its such an "off comment" thing to ask him. If he's a decent guy, I dont think he would care about what you ask him, as long as you arent being degrading about it.

Any guy who wants to be so honest with you, is worth a chance....I think.