Casual sex - yes or no?

[Anonymous]

I'm a gay man, 29 years old and three months ago I broke up with my boyfriend. I loved him, but I'm not sure if he loved me. I got tired of his eternal jealousy, his disbelief in me and my feelings, his doubt. Shortly before our breaking up he started to become violent as well and I decided that I won't let anyone to hurt me physically. So I left him.

Now I'm single and I feel lonely, I guess it might be because I was used to being in relationship, we were together for 3 years. I attend LGBT support group for years, I like the atmosphere and people there. I've met a very nice guy there. He's 21, so basically he's too young for me, usually I'm not attracted to guys so young, but he's different than most men in their early 20's. He's mature, serious and intelligent, we have many mutual interests. We went to the cinema or theater together for a few times.

Every time I take him to his home by my car, so that he doesn't have to wander around at late evening and every time he offered me to come in and have a cup of coffee. I refused always, but this one time I agreed. We had a great time and then he tried to kiss me, I rejected him, although I didn't really want to. I know I really miss this warmth and affection from another person, but I never have hook-ups. For me sex is a serious and important thing and I don't think I could make love with a guy who wasn't my boyfriend. I only have sex if I have relationships. Sex with just someone who's cute enough seems like a whoring around to me.

I don't know what to do, because I know want him and he wants me, however I'm not sure if I'm ready for a new relationships so soon after the previous ones. What would you do in my place?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I say wait a year before throwing yourself out in the dating scene. A year is a pretty good rough period to allow yourself to get to know who you are as an individual (again).

I personally don't do 'just sex' - I tried it twice and was left very unsatisfied with the situation. I'm not saying the sex was bad - it was pretty good, but it wasn't wholly satisfying to my deeper emotional needs/wants.

If it was me and this fellow, I would work on a 'just friends' basis to begin with. I would tell him straight up that I just ended a 3 year relationship and want to refrain from attempting another one for about a year, so another 9 months. Since I don't do 'just sex' I would tell him that being friends and see if we can be best friends would be more important to me emotionally than having him as a FWB.

[MisterTinkles]

I say wait a year before throwing yourself out in the dating scene. A year is a pretty good rough period to allow yourself to get to know who you are as an individual (again).

I personally don't do 'just sex' - I tried it twice and was left very unsatisfied with the situation. I'm not saying the sex was bad - it was pretty good, but it wasn't wholly satisfying to my deeper emotional needs/wants.

If it was me and this fellow, I would work on a 'just friends' basis to begin with. I would tell him straight up that I just ended a 3 year relationship and want to refrain from attempting another one for about a year, so another 9 months. Since I don't do 'just sex' I would tell him that being friends and see if we can be best friends would be more important to me emotionally than having him as a FWB.

Yeah, "been there, done that"....didnt do anything for me.

Wait. If you just wanna have a "fling", then do so under your own terms.

[MisterLove]

At 37, I don't find casual sex that interesting anymore. There's nothing wrong with it, I just have other priorities right now.

A gay relationship that lasted three whole years? That's got to be a world record.

You seem to be a very mature, sensitive guy. Don't worry, you'll find someone right for you soon - it usually happens when we least expect it.

[dfiant1]

Casual sex has it's place.

That is all I have to say about that

[Drew]

I'm a gay man, 29 years old and three months ago I broke up with my boyfriend. I loved him, but I'm not sure if he loved me. I got tired of his eternal jealousy, his disbelief in me and my feelings, his doubt. Shortly before our breaking up he started to become violent as well and I decided that I won't let anyone to hurt me physically. So I left him.

Now I'm single and I feel lonely, I guess it might be because I was used to being in relationship, we were together for 3 years. I attend LGBT support group for years, I like the atmosphere and people there. I've met a very nice guy there. He's 21, so basically he's too young for me, usually I'm not attracted to guys so young, but he's different than most men in their early 20's. He's mature, serious and intelligent, we have many mutual interests. We went to the cinema or theater together for a few times.

Every time I take him to his home by my car, so that he doesn't have to wander around at late evening and every time he offered me to come in and have a cup of coffee. I refused always, but this one time I agreed. We had a great time and then he tried to kiss me, I rejected him, although I didn't really want to. I know I really miss this warmth and affection from another person, but I never have hook-ups. For me sex is a serious and important thing and I don't think I could make love with a guy who wasn't my boyfriend. I only have sex if I have relationships. Sex with just someone who's cute enough seems like a whoring around to me.

I don't know what to do, because I know want him and he wants me, however I'm not sure if I'm ready for a new relationships so soon after the previous ones. What would you do in my place?

I agree with Bowyn - let him know why you didn't kiss him, and that you think it's too soon since you just broke up with your ex. It sounds like you care enough about this young guy to make him more than just a rebound guy, so hopefully he'll be understanding. Stay friends and after a while, after you've healed from your breakup, ask him out on a more serious date.

As for me, I I hate casual flings you get from websites/phone apps. Unfortunately, it's the only way I get laid, lol (I've gone on so many one-and-done dates that don't go anywhere so there's never enough time to build the chemistry that warrants a trip to each others bedrooms). Sometimes they've been hot, but usually they leave me underwhelmed. I get ragged on by my more sexually-libertine friends about this sort of thing, but I know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. Ideally, I'd like to date a guy that I'm smitten by and we would gradually work our way up the physicality ladder, but it's hard to find other guys willing to take it slow.

[Woollyhats]

For me sex is a serious and important thing and I don't think I could make love with a guy who wasn't my boyfriend. I only have sex if I have relationships. Sex with just someone who's cute enough seems like a whoring around to me.

It seems like you've already answered your own question in regards to your feelings on casual sex.

Also....

I don't know what to do, because I know want him and he wants me...

Well, why not consider a relationship that begins as a friendship versus sex? Take it slow, so to speak. That sounds like your style, at least in comparison to casual sex, because your post screams to me that you're uncomfortable with that. A small note --- one of the closest couples I know, and a couple that I would maybe even use as an example for 'love', happens to consist of a 21 and 29 year old... and the coincidence felt like something valid for me to add here... why write off the possibility of a relationship, and consider doing something you aren't even comfortable with, based on an age difference of 8 years???

[Undreamt]

each to their own, only you can really decide what you want and what you like.

Although your situation hardly seems like casual sex, seems more like you are just worried about jumping into another relationship so soon.

I'm in a seven year relationship and have casual sex. It works well.

[Garystampa]

I'm not bold enough for casual sex. But I do get very horny when I'm not in a relationship. I have found that calling a gay chat line works for me. For the past 10 years I've been calling a free one from time to time. I've never been asked to pay and it always has guys on it.

Some are married and their wives are "out of town", some say they're Bi, most are just gay men wanting to get off. It's totally free so it's probably ok to list here. I've never been asked for one dime in 10 years. Sometimes it has an ad. It's in the 775 area code, but these days who pays long distance anymore? Anyway, the number is 329 LIVE. I swear it's 100 percent free and 100 percent gay. You might find, like I do, it can relieve some tension.

[southbiochem]

I don't do the whole casual sex..oh, wait let me start the right way...I've never had sex at all...but I would prefer when I do that it's not random casual sex.

Now, he seems alright, and he needs to know why did you rejected him. You can have him as a friend na who knows maybe someday you will have something with him..

for the moment give yourself time to get pass what happened, heal, and then move on.

Good luck mile: