Closet Case. Please Help Me!

[MaseMan]

I don't even know where to begin. This will be sort of long. I hope you all will stick around and read it, because I really need some advice. I'm 18, just started my first semester in college. My whole life I've only dated girls, and Thought I've Been in love with 2. But, I've always known I found guys hot too. (maybe TMI), But when I watch porn 95% of the time it's gay porn, and has been ever since I can remember. It's just always been so much hotter to me than straight porn. During high school I definitely played it safe. I fit in really well and had a ton of friends who never questioned it after my freshman year. I moved to this school my freshman year and didn't play sports, due to a blood disorder I have, not that I didn't want to, and automatically the naive freshman boys all assumed I was gay. Until they got to know me, and of course I denied it in the beginning. My Junior year I was on and off with a girl who I thought I was in love with. And wasted my whole Senior year on a girl who I barely even knew, and honestly would still get with her if I had the chance. But, when it comes to girls, I've never really been sexually attracted, just more of a like affectionate thing. I have never sat around and fantasized like all my buddies do about banging a chick or them giving me head, or hooking up with them at parties. So that right there was a red flag for me, because I do when it comes to dudes.

Fast forward to the summer after my senior year, this past summer. I started becoming more comfortable with the idea that Im actually into dudes. But I thought it was all sexual. I started using those stupid apps just looking for a hook up, because I thought thats all I was interested in was sex with dudes, and relationships with chicks. But thats a very unhealthy balance. So I dealt with that since maybe July, and haven't really hooked up with anyone. Because all the guys in my area are sissy boys (no offense to them, just not what Im looking for at all). A few weeks ago I started talking to this dude about an hour away from me who had a girl friend, but loved hooking up with guys and admitted he preferred guys but of course he loved his girl friend. So immediately I thought this would be fun. We talked for about 3 weeks, and were planning on hooking up. When I realized that I might have developed some form of a crush on him, because he was super nice. So to avoid the awkwardness of it all we just stopped talking. He said his gf was becoming suspicious of the person he's always texting and snap chatting, and I just said I don't think I'm ready to hook up with a dude.

So fast forward to now. I have always thought the idea of having a relationship with a dude was the MOST disgusting thing ever! But a couple weeks ago on YouTube i came across MarkEMiller's channel. If you all haven't watched him, you really need to! Especially people in my situation. So after watching all of his videos my thought progressed. I started fanticizing about having a relationship with a dude. And found that it was possible for two dudes be together without it being so weird and gross. So he's helped me out more than he'll ever know.

My biggest problem is, Im a huge closet case. I don't fit the stereo type AT ALL. And where I come from thats about all you see. Im from a small town in North Carolina. And all the gay people around here are the sissy boys who are flamboyant and prissy and all that. And to each their own I don't give a fuck. Im just not attracted to them at all. If I wanna date a girl I will, not a guy who wanted to be a girl. I just want a dude, who acts like a dude, but also loves dudes. But I have no idea on how to meet other ones, especially without telling anyone. All I see on the apps and stuff are the super girly ones, so I've become a bit discouraged, but again, I've not been looking super long.

Now last thing. I have a ton of friends, and 4 best friends, 2 guy, 2 girls. And the 4 of them are all I really care about knowing if I were to tell anyone, and I know none of them would give a shit if they found out. But, Im not ready. Especially because my extended friend group are mostly dudes. And I don't want it to be weird. We've slept in the same bed, changed in front of each other, and even showered together. And I don't want the whole awkwardness of it all. So as of right now I'm not telling a soul. I feel like when I find the right guy, if I ever do, then that'll be worth telling everyone for. None of them really question it I don't think. So there's not much pressure. My best friend out of all of them who knows me better than anyone did ask me this summer. He was just like "you never talk about sex with girls and blah blah, and I just want you to know if you are Bi, and like dudes, I don't give a shit, I just want you to tell me because It's really shitty if you don't tell your best friend." and of course I denied the hell out of it.

I would just appreciate some advice on how to go about meeting guys who aren't so open and proud with it like myself. Who don't really want the whole world to know, and avoid social alienation, which is a big deal at 18, you have to remember. Also some advice on what I should do in my situation. Im sorry it's so long, but I had to get it all out, I've never told anyone.

[ee77]

There is a time for everything and when the time is right you will feel like someone lifted a weight off your shoulders.
My best straight friend and roommate for several years, told me he knew about me been gay and he was wondering when I was going to tell him. One of my best friends from school told me that I should have come out to her sooner. She would have loved to help me find a boyfriend and that she didn't suspected anything. The truth is your friends will like you regardless.
Not everyone will react the same way. Its best to start with people that will be more sympathetic. When my sister found out I was gay she was very supportive and she ask me if I wanted her to tell my parents. At that time I was living 2000 miles away from home, which was so much easier for me. Afterwards I got several emails from my mother and one from my dad, everyone very happy for me.
I am back to having the same relationship or even better with all my old friends. I feel more relaxed and is good not having people trying to make me date a nice girl they know...

[EvenOlderButWiser]

to the forum MM, and let me congratulate you on such a sensible, eloquent and readable first posting. You would be surprised at how many guys your age can't string a sentence together without reverting to texting slang and have no idea what a paragraph is!

Its clear from your posting that you've thought long and hard about this. The good news is that your starting to come to terms with one of the hardest elements of all; your acceptance of who you are. People who can't accept themselves usually end up spiralling into some kind of self destructive mode that ultimately hurts the people around them. You appear to have that under control which is great.

Everyone, straight or gay, has a "type" of ideal person they would like to date and you're no different. What I would say is that people who look too hard for their ideal partner usually don't find one. They usually find you when you least expect it, and from the most unexpected of places, so if I was you I would just chill for now. Being gay, and not having sex is really no big deal at your age, although I get the whole peer pressure thing from everyone around you. Being gay is about so much more than just having same sex sex!

If you want to socialise with and around the LGBT community, just go find your nearest support group and have a chat, coffee, volunteer whatever. You may be surprised at who you meet.

Coming out to people, when your ready can be such an instant relief from all the emotions you have stored up inside, and if you have support from a close group of friends around you even better. But some people don't have as great a time with family or people they throughout were friends. Don't be in a rush to come out. Being in the closet doesn't make you any less gay. I was in the closet for 38 years, in the military, married, the whole works. Im definitely no prissy boy ;-) Today Im a perfectly sane, balanced person, out to everyone with a very senior job and Ive been with my partner for 10 years. Things have a habit of working themselves out, and from your post I get the feeling you'll do just fine.

So welcome to the forum, stick around and join in the discussions. Just watch out for the few members who bite ;-)

ObW
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[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm gay and not a sissy boy. I take it up the arse like a man.... you do not have to be a sissy boy to be gay.

While the word is homosexual there is no emphasis on the sex. An active imagination and being all into porn regardless of its nature does not a homosexual make of you.

Having deep attraction, love, desire for a relationship with another man does mean homosexual.

1. Stop thinking all gay men have to be sissies.

2. Stop watching porn.

[Jovial]

If I wanna date a girl I will, not a guy who wanted to be a girl.

As a straight acting country dude, even I bristle every time this is mentioned.

They are still GUYS, DUDES, MEN – not blinking girls!!! And I am sure most are comfortable being MEN!

To me the biggest part of coming to grips about sexuality is not to alienate your peers, and whether you want them to be or not they are. Fine, you don’t find them attractive, that is no reason to insult them. I am bloody well getting tired of this and I have only just stuck my head out of the closet door myself!

[Geminize]

Welcome to GS. I hope you find some helpful advice here.

My biggest problem is, Im a huge closet case. I don't fit the stereo type AT ALL. And where I come from thats about all you see... I just want a dude, who acts like a dude, but also loves dudes. But I have no idea on how to meet other ones, especially without telling anyone.

I wonder how many other "invisible" masculine guys are in the same situation there. Afraid to come out and uncomfortable interacting with the perceived "sissy boys". I understand your feelings. Most of my friends, new and old, were surprised to learn that I'm bi when I came out and introduced them to my boyfriend.

The only suggestion that occurs to me is to come out with your close friends, even without a guy you're into. Just the act of opening up to yourself and to them will change things in ways you can't know. Being comfortable with yourself as you are will attract the kind of guy you want to be with.

Good luck with it!

[southbiochem]

Well, a lot of us homosexuals are not flamboyant nor feminine guys (no offense to those who are of course)

Quite in fact I beleive there are more of our "type" out there.. of course that brings problems

1.- because we are average acting guys, you can't tell we're gay..

2.- for us closeted folks (yes, I am one of those too) we find ourselves in the same situation as you...meaning you could go by many guys everyday who are gay or bi, but like you, they feel the need to hide, so, they can't go openly searching....

sounds frustrating isn't it? It is.

Now, the solution to your problem will have to go through coming out to at least that one friend...

And, again, I'm in the hiding too...so I know: it's scary, even when we hear "I don't mind if you like dudes" it's scary...

so, that needs to happen anyway, eventually, at your own pace, in your own time, when you feel more comfortable (and this self-accetance you have achieved is a good path so far, you're doing very good)

but...first, meet poeple....just go out there and meet people, you're in college, a place that's usually very diverse, get out a bit of the "jock"-type group (doesn't mean stop haging with them) and expand
your social aquaintances...join other activities...

when you start meeting more people, at least one guy will pop out...maybe then you'll have the comfort zone to come out...

Welcome to GS, sorry about the blood condition and best of lucks mile:

[Axanderb]

Sweetie, some words of advice from a "sissy boy"...........................

you are closeted, scared, and on some levels homophobic and i get it, you're 18, surrounded by a bunch of dudes, and you don't want to lose the only friends you have so i get why.

But you have to stop insulting a group of people simply because you aren't attracted to them. It's not fair to us and quite simply it isn't fair to you because you're ruling out a whole group of people who could teach you something incredibly important about yourself if you let them. (and i'm not talking about in the bedroom but in your life).

The first things i would do are talk to your closest friends when you feel ready...i would definately NOT get involved with anyone until you've built yourself a support system that you can fall back onto in case something goes wrong w/ someone you're courting. The worst thing is being closeted, telling no one where you are going...and then being abused/beaten/ or worse on a "date" with someone you barely know. It's bad for your safety and the last thing you want right now is to be Outed against you're own will.

Secondly. USE PROTECTION EVERY MUTHAFUCKIN' TIME. do NOT let someone talk you into doing anything unsafe or butter you up into barebacking (literally or figuratively).

I know what being 18 and closeted feels like...i came out when i was 18 during my senior year and it was scary as hell. I didn't tell my parents until i was a year older in my first year of college. But while you're still in there, don't knock those who are brave enough to have taken the step you're too paralyzed by fear to do. You're making a good stride in finding the courage to tell people here but you'll only start to feel like yourself when you relinquish your inhibitions and allow yourself to who you really are. Hiding in fear is terrible and will make you sick.

I Can remember when i was still in the closet and i would see another gay man, or someone would look at me funny, or someone would say something about gay people. A pang of fear would ignite in my stomach and i would start to sweat...i had a secret and i felt like everyone around me knew about it but i was the last to know.


First things first though...stop bad mouthing the "sissy boys" You might find good friends in some of us.

[MaseMan]

Ok. I'm gonna take the time to reply to each one of you individually. Because, 1. You all took the time to read it and reply, and 2. You need to be corrected on a few things, and stop turning my words around to mean more than they do.

ee77 Thanks for being a rational person man. I know my friends will take it well. I just don't think I'm ready for that. I only came to terms with it about a month ago so I'm just taking it day by day. I did tell one friend that I might like dudes, but I'm not too sure. And she didn't give a shit. Its just all my bros I'm worried about losing....

OlderButWiser Thanks man. I dont wanna be someone you cant even understand. Glad you liked the post. I have accepted it now I think. So like you said Im on the right track I think. I'm honestly a person that just doesn't give a fuck, but Im still too chicken to admit to my friends. Or even say the words out loud. As for a support group, I don't think thats really my thing. I never had to go to a straight support group when I had a girlfriend, so the whole idea of a "gay community" isn't really a big deal to me. I never Identified with the "straight community" so no need in all that. I get where you're coming from though. Im not hating I just have a different view on it all. Thanks for everything tho man. Makes it a little easier to hear from sane people like you when you're looking for advice.

BowynAerrow My personal opinion is that no matter how masculine you are, if you're gay then you shouldn't be afraid to take it in the ass. If I'm gonna date a guy, I don't want to constantly be giving it or taking it. I believe in a versatile relationship. So there's the first time your assumption was wrong. Secondly, I don not think all gay men are sissies. BUT where I come from Ive only encountered a few (that I know of) and thats what they are, and Im not gonna apologize for saying that. They know that they are and more power to them for embracing that and not giving a fuck. I dont have a problem with them. IM JUST NOT INTO THEM! Thanks for the advice tho man!

Jovial So I think you need to not misinterpret my words. I said I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THEM. I just don't find them attractive. I just started college, have met a few gay guy, they all act very prissy and I dont like that. As for the one I went to HS with he wore DRESSES & HEELS to school and carried purses. As for that yeah he may have a dick, but he sure as hell acted like a chick, even got suspended because he refused to use the mens restroom and went into the women's. So thats the shit I've had to deal with, so excuse me for having a misconception. I didn't insult anyone, so get it right bro. Sissy is not an insult when they act like it.

Geminize Thank you for another rational response. I do wonder this. Every day. And I don't know how to go about figuring it out and knowing who is who. I hope some day something happens and one of them reveal themselves haha. I really wanted to be with someone before I did tell. But I can see as how thats also a bad idea. Thanks for the help man!

southbiochem You're the man! It's nice to hear from someone in the same boat. This shit is scary. And I'm trying to make new friends, it's just hard when you're whole high school basically goes to the same college! But Im hoping things will start looking up. Thanks dude!

Axanderb Ok dude. I think you read waaaaaay too deep into what I was saying. I DIDNT INSULT ANYONE. I just said IM NOT ATTRACTED TO THEM. I wouuldnt give to shits to be friends with one. But I have no desire to be intimate with one. I appreciate your advice a lot. But I don't appreciate the way you took it and accused me of being discriminant. Im really sorry you took it that way. If you've read this whole post, maybe you understand why I had that misconception of gay people. Thanks for your advice tho. It helps.

PS. Some of you all need to think about the way you come across when trying to be helpful and give advice. Because some of that made me wanna burry myself even deeper in the closet. You might be doing more harm then you think by posting just because you took offense so something that wasn't even offensive. But thanks for all your advice. It's nice to get a little when you have no one else to take to about it all!

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Some of you all need to think about the way you come across when trying to be helpful and give advice. Because some of that made me wanna burry myself even deeper in the closet. You might be doing more harm then you think by posting just because you took offense so something that wasn't even offensive. But thanks for all your advice. It's nice to get a little when you have no one else to take to about it all![/B]

MM has got a point here.

Ive seen a few responses to new joiners recently (especially some of our younger ones) who have asked what to them is a perfectly acceptable question, only to have the question jumped on by a few people, and made to feel like idiots.

Thats not what GS is about guys. Its a place where people of all ages, walks of life, and even naiveness can come and ask questions with out being jumped all over and made to feel unwelcome.

No names, just my view from what Ive read in the last few days.

MM, good feedback by the way

ObW
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