When is it time to move on or try to work things out?

[paradecir]

Hi everyone,

I've been a quiet follower of the forums here for some time. From past experiences, I have always received great advice and support from you guys no matter what the issue has been, and I've always greatly appreciated this. Many times I don't have the means to openly talk to the ones around me about problems such as dating and relationships. For these reasons, I wanted to first and foremost give GaySpeak a big thanks and *hug* for providing an open space for LGBT dialogues of the sort. :)

Onwards...

The past few weeks, I have found myself down in the slumps more and more every day, up to the point where I feel like it is a matter that I can no longer handle on my own. In the chance that it might help to better contextualize my situation, I'll delve into the background circumstances. Feel free to skip over if you prefer:

I moved to Buenos Aires, Argentina at the beginning of August to study and work. My first few weeks here, I met someone that I become very close to. Because my time here has been a temporary stay, we decided to not try to put a label on our relationship and not have it be something that it isn't, although as far as I know we have only been seeing each other. Through this, I have felt very open and relaxed with this person and have learned much about him.
I would say about a month-or-so ago, I began to truly question whether I could truly see myself in the future with this guy. At the time, I decided no and began to stop spending as much time with him and more with friends. I resumed going out to gay bars/clubs with my groups of friends here. After my first night out, I began to truly appreciate the uniqueness of this guy in contrast to the typical gay scene. My intentions are not to stereotype, but through my experiences gay men my age do not want to date monogamously and have a flair for being cruel to others, being very selfish and superficial.
Eventually we arranged to see each other again. We had dinner and spent the rest of the night just being with each other. I had such a great time with him that the next day, I woke up and knew that he was someone I had to cling onto (as the expression goes, at least).
This is when the problems started. That weekend, I would finish my last day in school here in Argentina and would be leaving to go to Patagonia, another part of the country far away, for 10 days. I asked him if he wanted to get together the night before I left, and he told me no because he already had plans. I admit I felt a little hurt, but I knew my request had been at the last minute so I tried not to think too much of it. Before I left, he wished me a safe/good trip and the next day after I arrived, he asked me about how I was and how I was enjoying myself there. But besides this, we didn't talk for the remainder of my trip.
Shortly after I returned, he messaged me asking if I had come back and the rest was mostly small talk. Throughout the following week (which was last week), I tried keeping in touch with him through texts, but the conversations felt distant. I won't go into detail about how, but there really wasn't much conversation. So one day, I basically asked him if anything was up. I told him I wasn't good at understanding emotions/people through impersonal communication, so I wasn't going to think too much about it. He responded along the lines of "we've been disconnected, haven't we?" and added that he missed me. The rest of the day, we texted like things were back to normal and I asked him if on the weekend he wanted to go out to dinner with me and take a walk around. He said sure, so I told him to let me know when he was free to arrange something.

This is where the fall begins. I received no such text. I waited and waited all week and until the weekend only to receive nothing. Because of the distance I felt between us since leaving on my trip, I felt that he had either lost feelings for me or decided he may want to be with someone else. I felt like total crap waiting for his message. After still not receiving anything, I thought long and hard about it throughout Sunday and today and decided that it was time to move on. I decided not to text him the previous days about the matter because I already felt like I had been bothering him all week seeing as he seemed distant to me.

I have a journal I usually write in to better understand my thoughts and let out my negative feelings, and literally as soon as I began writing he texted me. The conversation was completely ridiculous: I tried to be subtle with my first reply and asked him, jokingly, where he disappeared to. He replied it wasn't him that disappeared, but I had abandoned him. I told him that wasn't the case and that I had been waiting for his text telling me when he was free but it never came. He simply responded to me, "I guess bad communication?" Not going to lie, this put me over the edge. I had felt hurt by not talking to him, yet to me he seemed very nonchalant about the entire matter. I told him that he made me feel like crap and he responded me he didn't want me to feel like that, then ended with his typical phrase "relax". I told him I was fed up with him (kind of vulgarly) and I'd write him tomorrow. He said "Ok. Bye." then added in another text "How aggressive".

I figured I would sleep on it, but as soon as I laid down I knew that it would be better to have someone else's insight on this. Anything and everything you guys can give me, I will truly appreciate it. Sometimes I have a tendency to over think things, but sometimes I also can't tell if I'm over thinking or if actually I'm justified for how I feel. My initial decision was to wait till tomorrow and then send him a message to see if we can talk about things, maybe preferably in person sometime down the week. However, after everything that I've gone through and his apparent lack of concern, maybe it would be better just to end things now since I've already had begun to go through the stages of coping.

What do you guys think? Have I not given him enough credit? Too much credit? Is there anything I should ask him specifically? Or should I just tell him it'd be better off to not see each other?

I hope I didn't rant too much...

[Rob]

Mine is a very inexperienced point of view, but the impression I get from your descriptionis you're both still confused as to what you expect or are looking for from this relationship, and confusion may lead to misunderstandings like this one you have told us about. I'd talk to him face to face if I were you, that would probably iron out most of the misunderstandings you've been through, not necessarily planning a future together but clarifying the situation for the sake of the couple.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You initiated the 'I will hurt you War.' when you decided to put distance between him and you. You are the one who went out and looked around and realized 'oops'. but by then the damage was already done, you had already distanced yourself from him.

I began to truly question whether I could truly see myself in the future with this guy. At the time, I decided no and began to stop spending as much time with him and more with friends.

So yes you abandoned him and now you have decided that was a mistake, but the damage has already been done.

Human hearts are fragile things, they are readily broken, and when broken that tends to bring out the self protecting animal which is often mean, cruel and wanting to do nothing more than to lash out and break the heart of the heart breaker in return.

What is done is done, and since you are always moving on in life at this time, moving elsewhere, not settling in one place - it is perhaps best you let this guy go and stop dating guys until you have a permanent residence.

[Vigilias]

I'm with Bowyn on this one.

You played it distant and aloof then changed your mind. Are you really surprised that the guy took things the way he did?

Still, if you want to repair the damage I suggest you do it by actually using verbal communication rather than text. So much is lost when you have only text to go on, you can't tell if what someone says is a joke, sarcasm or genuinely felt insult. If you take offence at something the natural reaction is to cry havoc and let slip the words of war. Resist that temptation and speak to the guy.

He may have moved on, in which case so should you.

At least you'll have learned how NOT to treat people in the future!

[paradecir]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the prompt responses. I never realized how my actions might have affected him. Now, I am aware that my "abandonment" of him was a hurtful thing for me to do. However, I fear that you all may be seeing me as an insensitive person. I just want to clarify that since the beginning, we never were ever "officially" dating, we simply had an intimate connection and have never spoken openly about a relationship. I would go out with friends and so would he, but I never did anything with another guy. I don't know whether he did or not, but it wasn't my place to ask because that wasn't necessarily my right to find out. What I did do, however, was distance myself for a week from him and cancel 2 of our usual get-togethers. Looking back on this, I see how he may have taken notice, become upset, and simply never brought it up to me.

At the same time, I feel it wouldn't be too far-reached to say that I had become too invested in something that never was. It is possible that he might have never felt that deeply towards me as I started towards him. There does exist a cultural difference in Argentina when it comes to dating, and I might have simply misread his intentions.

Nonetheless, I sent him a text this morning apologizing for being rude the other day. I agree that it would be best to let my more intimate feelings for him go and move on. I do want to try to at least end on a good note, so I'm considering arranging for us to get together face-to-face at least one last time. I figured if I at least make that effort and he says no, I did what I could, and if we do meet we can clear the air between us.

Thanks all once again for your responses. If there is anything else you think I should do or be aware of, please let me know.