Hi guys, until very recently I thought I was the only guy in the world who felt this way, I am married to a woman, have been for ten years. I would say I enjoy my straight relationship and enjoy the family dynamics. I have two young children, and love being their father.
It's complicated with me, because I have a strange fetish, I like fat guys, bears chubs, daddies. Etc, so I always attracted to bellyies, and I didn't realise that was me having gay thoughts until recently. When I finally entered into Google my feelings, and gosh, what an eye opener,
I don't know if I want to pursue a gay life, or come out my true feelings to my wife to be honest and say I will remain faithful. I've not cheated on my wife, but feel like I'm on a slippery slope.
But part of me thinks, maybe I can have it all. A happily married life and a quiet gay life. I haven't decided yet. Or leave my wife and start again.
Do I tell my wife or finish the marriage and don't say anything, the information I have, could ruin her for life. I don't want that.
I realise some people may not approve on my life, and me living a lie. I don't, but until you have gotten yourself in a situation like mine, and love your wife and your children, and want nothing but the best for them, even if that means being sexually unhappy myself then you will never know.
Sex is just a small part of a relationship IMO. And sex with my wife is gratifying, I wouldn't say I was 100% gay! probably 70%
I come here hopefully to find people in similar situations or who have been in marriages, advice support friendship.
Thanks for reading my introduction, many thanks
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I don't think anyone is 100% gay or 100% straight..
you are being honest with yourself and that's good.
you are thinking about your familiy, and that's good.
you said that you haven't cheated, and that's good.
you say you're on a slippery slope..
then, I'm afraid, you'll have to be honest with your wife..it's the only way you can avoid cheating, living a double life, and hurting yourself, your wife and the kids in the process..
it may just mean that you end what you have now, but if you think you are capable of cheating in the future or having this quiet double life (which is risky, as it just may happen that people find out about)
then you would be doing more damage
there are some guys here who use to be married before comin out, maybe they can help you better
(besides doesn't your info say you are in an open relationship? So who knows, maybe the wife can undersand)
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As long as these are just thoughts running through your head, you are ok. They may be annoying and aggravating, but as long as you dont act on them, you are doing ok.
What you have to come to terms with, is this feeling you have of "tendencies" something that just fascinates you, or is it demanding to be something set in your life, for the REST of your life?
You also have to come to terms, that you may ruin your life, your wife's life, and your kids' lives by getting a divorce and going off to "do your own thing".
If your wife does not know about your feelings towards these things, then I would suggest STRONGLY that you go see a mental health counselor. Find a good one, dont just take the first one that comes along. Or you can go see two or three different ones. Just like finding a medical doctor, you want to find one that you feel comfortable with, and you believe has the ability to understand you.
You need to speak with someone about these feelings before you do anything that might cause a huge problem in your life.
If everything is going well as it is, then I dont know why you would want to subject that to harm.
Talk to a professional. Get a different perspective on this. It might be that you just need to talk this out with someone.
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First, hello and welcome to Gayspeak.
Secondly, note that no one here is a professional. Seriously. Not even me  . This is a big issue, especially what you regard as your needs. Marriage counselling wouldn't be out of place here.
Lastly, as much as you might like men, you admit that you find sex with your wife to be good, and you love her very much. I assume she loves you too, and she might feel poorly about you having relationships on the side. You might not call them relationships, but in the dark and more insecure areas of her brain, they're going to feel like that. She's going to experience jealousy (a common feeling in cultures where polygamy is acceptable), doubt, and increased insecurity. This is why I recommended marriage counselling, because if you pursue this, you're going to need to know exactly what your decision entails and how to deal with the results your decisions will bring.
Conversely, I don't think you're living a lie. You obviously care for your wife very much, and you've only just let feelings you have always had come to the surface. There is nothing wrong with you. You have, however, lived so much of a certain way, you've invested so much --- I wonder if you are prepared to throw that all away for the possibility of a gay partner? If you leave your wife, you aren't guaranteed a gay partner. Look at this forum, many people are single. Many of the ones that aren't will break up. Gay relationships are also difficult, as much as we argue that straight and gay couples have the same types of relationships, there are different problems that you will have to potentially deal with. And few gay people will want to be in a relationship where you hide the fact that you're dating for a long period of time. Essentially, if you stay with your wife you get to have flings, if you leave your wife, you might still only get to have flings. It's a possibility, you have a life right now that I imagine many would be envious of and, if you decide to trade it all away --- what you get back is extremely variable, and is by no means expected to be of equal value. So there's nothing wrong with what you're wondering, but you should be realistic about your ideas.
I do think you should tell your wife your sexual desires (being open about yourself is hopefully going to let you be comfortable in the relationship), but consider still being faithful to her if that's what she wants. Your situation probably feels very unusual, but many gay people have partners that like both genders, and many remain monogamous, and I imagine the same might be said of many straight couples.
I say this speaking on a personal level. I, like your wife, have a partner that likes a different gender than myself too. As a result, I know that getting the specifics of the rules on your relationship in regards to sex is important. I hope you are able to find compromises and solutions that work for both of you, whatever those might be. If you wife is open to working this out with you, you very much have many options, and a lot of responsibility in regards to which ones you choose. Still, I encourage you to consider your choices. As much as you may feel pressured into certain choices, your life is still your own, and ultimately, the choices and decisions you make are all going to be your own.
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Welcome to GS, Richie.
Get off that slippery slope, one way or another. If you love your wife and kids you owe it to them to be honest. Either choose to stay in your marriage, or end it if that's what you need to feel fulfilled. I agree with other posters here that seeking professional counseling and/or talking with your wife is a good idea. Cheating on your partner is a bad idea on many levels.
I was married to a woman for 20 years, and only explored my attraction to men after we divorced for other reasons. I was not living a lie, however: I loved her very much. There are qualities in both men and women that attract and arouse me in different ways.
You have a lot to consider. I hope you are able to navigate your needs and feelings while respecting your wife and children. It's challenging. There are few role models or examples to draw experience from. Feel free to ask me questions here, or by private message. I wish you the best of luck.
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Maybe you're ... bisexual? ;-)
I appreciate you're being honest with yourself, but the main point, is do you love your wife? Cause maybe she will accept your nature and you can continue your life with her.
Now that you're quite sure about your doubt you have to talk with her. Probably with the help of a professional figure.
Good luck!
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I really appreciate all your advice and points, I don't want to cheat on my wife and I don't want to leave her. But I can't keep this all to myself anymore.
I think I have to tell her. And tell her I love her and I want to be with her forever.
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I was married for 15 years, military for 20 and have 2 (now grown up) daughters, came out 12 years ago.
Been there, done that as they say.
Feel free to message me if you need to chat.
ObW
X
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Hello and welcome.
I always have a hard time believing that someone can just figure out out of the blue(at the age of 30 or so) that he has feelings for other men, but I've grown to accept that fact over the years. I guess it happens.
As for your situation, if you want to stay in the marriage, I wouldn't advise you to tell her about your new sexual discovery. She will be confused even more than you are at the moment and you could lose it all.
On the other hand, if you feel like you can't live that way anymore and that being gay is what suits you more, then end it.
Best of luck, anyway.
Cheers.
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There have been a number of good points here. I'll echo one, and, i'll give you a way to broach the subject with your wife WITHOUT causing alot of drama (hopefully).
#1: In your last reply to the posts you stated you were going to talk to your wife because you wanted to talk about it. Well, i just googled gay support groups birmingham uk and found a NUMBER of organizations that you can access to TALK to someone about your feelings. If you don't want to see a therapist, i really hope you'll find a way to get in touch with one of these groups and actually TALK to someone - before you talk to your wife. First off, they're going to tell you that you're NOT alone! Bottom line, you DO need someone to talk to but since this issue is such a powerful one - it's probably best to talk to a disinterested 3rd party before you talk to your wife. Again, you're not the only man who's come to this relization and it's a good idea to take advantage of those who've been there before you and some of the strategies and ways to communicate your feelings to your wife.
#2: While you ponder talking to a therapist or a gay/questioning support group, here's an idea that's worked for friends of mine who also wanted to bring up their "same-sex attraction" to their wife WITHOUT having one of those "talks" that can so quickly deteriorate into painful emotions being raised. Here's the idea. Now, this idea assumes the fact that you wife has seen and is ok with pornography as part of your sex life. Many couples watch porn as a prelude to actual sex - or theyhave it playing in the room when having sex. So, assuming your wife isn't going to flip out if she sees porn playing on the bedroom TV, the next time you rent a DVD, rent a bisexual-DVD. It's important that the video has M/M, M/F and F/F scenes. Trust me, she'll notice that the porn has bi-sex scenes and will most likely say something like, "Did you rent this on purpose" or "Oh my, look, that guy is touching another guy!"
That's your opening to say something like, "So, it's no big deal hun, everyone has had thoughts and fantasies like this" = then see how she reponds! Bottom line, it allows the subject of bi-sex to come up as part of a conversation - not as a subject on it's own!
hope this helps! keep us updated!
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