We're both "straight" so far.. I need advice bad!

[isodontknow]

Okay, I have a huge problem that's killing me inside. I'm going to try to make it so as not to bore the hell out of you guys, but this is really important to me, and I'd like to fully thank whoever can offer me some good advice.

The background..

I'm am a 21 year old male. I have known that I'm bi for a long time now - at least since I was 15. I've never told anyone, except one of my best friends when I was 16. Out of respect, he never told anyone, but our relationship went downhill after that. So long story short, I am very closeted. And I do have relationships with girls so noone even suspects me (I dont think)..

My best friend..

I have known this guy for about 3 years now. He's become my best friend. He always there for me to turn to when I need something in a second and vice versa. We've both been through hard times (family probs, drug abuse, and more) so we relate to each other on alot of the shit we both go through daily.

Basically we're so alike it's insane. We can almost know what each other is thinking sometimes. So here's the statement of the day: If I met a girl that I had this sort of relationship with, she'd be like the perfect chick without a doubt.

And admittedly, I am attracted to him. On more than a physical level too. He is a good looking guy so he gets girls. But, he never ever sustains a relationship and doesn't seem very interested in doing so anytime soon.

Where it gets interesting..

Over the past month or so we have been extremely close. Part of it is, because we are both recovering crack addicts (He and I used to smoke almost everyday), so when we decided to quit we kind of started to lean on each other, which is when we started getting REALLY closer (closer than we'd been). (just as a side note: we are 3 weeks strong and have no plans of ever starting again, by the grace of God.)

Over the past month or so..

So as I mentioned, over the past month we have been hanging out a lot. We hang out almost daily. Either he's at my house or I'm at his house, just watching tv and stuff. Then one of us will leave and go home like around 12 usually.

Then from there over the past week or so, we've found ourself texting each other almost all night. Nothing sexuality oriented, nothing "gay", just normal buddy chat. But it's weird, like there is tension there.

Like just last night he dropped me off and I was about to get out, and he said, I'll probably text you in a little bit (note, we just hung out for 4 hours). Then he made some comment (i forget) in which I responded, yea but we never run out of things to talk about. His response was I know, like we're boyfriend and girlfriend or something (I just laughed it off). But he's made a similar comment like that before (not as direct as that though).

So up to tonight..

We were textin last night and trying to figure out what we going to do today. Between texts, we both sent the same text at the same time, basically to the effect of we should rent a movie and relax tonite (just the two of us). Again, back to the point of the same exact thoughts we have is down-right scary sometime.

So in a little bit I'm going to his house and we're going to watch a movie or something.

So, finally, my real question..

I like him a lot. I like him physically (he's a hotty), and his personality and how so ensync we are with each other is nothing like I've experienced in any relationship with any chick before. So here's a couple questions for you guys.

1. Does it sound like our relationship is out of the norm of a normal heterosexual, best friends type relationship?

2. Do you think he's trying to send me any signals, or can you let me know some signals to look out for.

3. If it turns out I get enough balls to actually ask him, what, how, where do I even start. Please don't tell me, just ask.. that's not going to fly because I have sense he is very protective of his sexuality if it does in fact turn out that he's not, I don't want to lose my best friend. (plus, remember I am in the closet myself, and being exposed in my small town wouldn't be good)

4. How can I send subtle signals to him that maybe he'd be feel comfortable responding to without feeling over-whelmed by the situation. That way he could give a return signal without fully committing, you know?

5. Honestly, just in your personal opinion, from the situation I explained above.. Do you think that we are in fact homosexuals who just haven't had the guts to admit it to each other yet?

6. If someday we do establish that we are attracted to each other, is the best way to take it slow? What do you do next. I mean he's my best friend and just jumpin into bed sexually with him right off the bat seems weird to say the least.


I mean this would be a huge step for us both. I just want to do it right, and if there's nothing there, I just want to make sure I at least keep him as my best friend.

As long as he's around, we both have someone to talk to. Someone who would do ANYTHING for the other in a second. I'm so confused right now. So many emotions are running through me that I've never felt before.

Please help me guys. Please, Please help me out.

THANK YOU - THANK YOU,

Isodontknow

[marshlander]

Hi isodontknow and welcome to our little talking shop mile:

I had a quick look in this morning before going to work and was fairly sure someone had responded to your message and now I find that, in 21 hours, you haven't actually had a response. How rude of us (and how confusing ... did I have an hallucination several hours ago?)!

First of all, I found your assessment of your situation very clear. To be honest, that degree of self-awareness is unusual. I certainly lacked it when dealing with coming out. The only thing that seems to be missing is that you give yourself permission to think the unthinkable.

Secondly, many congratulations on dealing so positively with with the drug thing. The mutual support that you and he have managed seems to be working from what you report. I have no idea how difficult this has been, but kudos to you both for getting this far May I wish you the strength you need for the future.

Hmm, the questions you pose ... my immediate responses are only informed by my own experiences and prejudices and may mean nothing to you at all, but fwiw:
1. I don't know what one of those is. I thought I knew, but I had to re-evaluate everything in my life when I finally began to face up to being gay. You could have been talking about me many years ago, when I was in desparate denial and identifying myself as gay was not even on my radar :eek: However, one also hears about people who have been through traumatic situations together that gives them a bond that is closer than most people experience.
2. The boyfriend/girlfriend comments could be an attempt to test the water, for him and for you. Before we can accept a new idea about ourselves we often try it out to see how it sounds. As to what signals to look out for, that's pretty difficult to answer. Many of those are informed by culture, but if you were to find his hand travelling north along your thigh ...
3. Initiating conversation should be possible for two chatterboxes like yourselves. Your profile suggests an interest in politics, a hot topic at present! What has Ohio done about the same sex marriage question? Talk in generalities and gauge the response to see where he stands. Where appropriate you can move the general to the personal; something like, the "how would you feel if it happened in your family?" kind of question.
4. I guess my thoughts about questions 2 and 3 apply here too. However, since you both like movies so much, how close do you sit when you're watching them? Do you share a sofa? If you were close enough for the back of your hand to brush against his while you were sitting together would he recoil in shock and horror ... what would you do if he left his hand there and, :eek: you were actually touching? Have times changed so much that straight couples don't explore the ground very carefully when they are seeing how far they can go? I guess you could always watch Brokeback Mountain together! That should give you something to talk about.
5. I'd ask a different question. You might try, "Am I a homosexual who hasn't admitted it to myself yet?" Think about your other responses in sexual or romantic situations. Do you fantacise more about men than women, for example? There's another side to this. I think a lot of straight people get homosexuality completely wrong. They are so busy worrying about what they think we get up to in the bedroom that they omit to take into account that being gay is about being able to share all sorts of feelings with someone of the same sex. This is much more than just acts of physical sex. Many straight people have a drunken fumble or even try some same sex loving before they know that it isn't really for them. To me, the ability to love and be loved by another man is what I celebrate about being gay.
6. Sure, you've answered this already. If you want to stay friends for ever, what's the rush? Except, that if the time comes when the action starts the hormones can push you from 0-60 in no time flat. Then is when you will have to talk, talk and talk some more, so that you both understand what has happened and decide what happens next. If you fail to talk at that stage, you would stand a chance of losing him.

I think you sound like a nice man and your friend is lucky to have you. Good luck to you both.

[princealbertofb]

I was almost sure I'd answered your posting early in the morning last night... What happened to it? Disappeared in the meanders of the Internet.??.?.?.?.?

[marshlander]

I was almost sure I'd answered your posting early in the morning last night... What happened to it? Disappeared in the meanders of the Internet.??.?.?.?.?

That is weird. I thought you had, but I didn't have time to read it. When it wasn't there this evening I assumed you'd deleted it yourself, you beyond godlike being, you
xxxx

[princealbertofb]

Interestingly Marsh, my early morning answer had all the clues you've mentioned including the reference to Brokeback Mountain... Strange, maybe you weren't deluded at all and did read my post before it disappeared. I know Isodon'tknow was online JUST before I posted and then he was gone once it appeared online. So did he get time to read it? Don't know.

[isodontknow]

Hi Prince,

Yes, I did get your post and it was much appreciated. I wanted to really thank you for that and it helped me a lot. I left and came back and it was gone?? Who knows...

Marshlander,

Just for readings sake, I'll respond to your numbered responses:

1) That make a lot of sense. I see a lot of so called "heterosexual" guys who, if I had to guess based on their behavior with their friends, they were gay. But I don't know any who text each other for 4-5 hours at night, do you?

2) Yea, I found it to be a pretty odd comment to make, and we kind of shared a little laugh afterwards. Before that one night we were texting and I said, jeez we've been texting for like 5 hours. His response was, I know like were going out. So this isn't the first time he's said something like this.

3) We've had several conversations about gay issues. Well firstly, just about having a problem with gay people. His response was he doesnt have a problem with them. Then I pressed a little further (jokingly of course ) If I was gay would you still hang out. He said he didn't know.

But it was a very sheepish like slight shoulder shrug and looked at me with a weird look.

4) In his room and he has one chair and his bed and stuff, but we both lay on the bed, BUT hardly ever touching, maybe brushing each others arm at times. But we talk through the whole movie hardly ever watching.

5) I've pretty much got that down. I am bi, no doubt about it. I know what you're saying. The weird part is, I'm more attracted to girls sexually, but wayy more attracted to guys on a one-on-one relationship level.

So I could see myself falling in love with a guy, but probably not a girl. But I still LOVE sex with women. And I've never done anything with a guy.

6) Thanks for your advice on this.


So here's the million dollar question:

What the heck do I next? It may sound selfish, but I don't want to just wait it out forever until it comes to the point that he decides well he isn't doing anything, it must be nothing (if that's his thoughts). I'll always wonder what could've been.

I'm going crazy here.

[isodontknow]

Hi Prince,

Yes, I did get your post and it was much appreciated. I wanted to really thank you for that and it helped me a lot. I left and came back and it was gone?? Who knows...

Marshlander,

Just for readings sake, I'll respond to your numbered responses:

1) That make a lot of sense. I see a lot of so called "heterosexual" guys who, if I had to guess based on their behavior with their friends, they were gay. But I don't know any who text each other for 4-5 hours at night, do you?

2) Yea, I found it to be a pretty odd comment to make, and we kind of shared a little laugh afterwards. Before that one night we were texting and I said, jeez we've been texting for like 5 hours. His response was, I know like were going out. So this isn't the first time he's said something like this.

3) We've had several conversations about gay issues. Well firstly, just about having a problem with gay people. His response was he doesnt have a problem with them. Then I pressed a little further (jokingly of course ) If I was gay would you still hang out. He said he didn't know.

But it was a very sheepish like slight shoulder shrug and looked at me with a weird look.

4) In his room and he has one chair and his bed and stuff, but we both lay on the bed, BUT hardly ever touching, maybe brushing each others arm at times. But we talk through the whole movie hardly ever watching.

5) I've pretty much got that down. I am bi, no doubt about it. I know what you're saying. The weird part is, I'm more attracted to girls sexually, but wayy more attracted to guys on a one-on-one relationship level.

So I could see myself falling in love with a guy, but probably not a girl. But I still LOVE sex with women. And I've never done anything with a guy.

6) Thanks for your advice on this.


So here's the million dollar question:

What the heck do I next? It may sound selfish, but I don't want to just wait it out forever until it comes to the point that he decides well he isn't doing anything, it must be nothing (if that's his thoughts). I'll always wonder what could've been.

I'm going crazy here.

[Shadow]

There certainly does appear to have been a problem with this thread doesn't there !!

Somebody had marked the thread for moderation, so all the original barrage of posts were put to one side for the GS Moderators to deal with ... and I've approved them all, so they should (to my mind) all have come back onto the thread, but some appear to have slipped through the Ether :frown: ... including mine !! :frown: :frown:.

xx

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!