Advice Needed

[Anonymous]

Over the past 1 year - I have been seeing this wonderful lad, he treats me fantastic and our foreplay aint that bad. The problem is... that's all it is, we have only had sex once. I've brought it up, numerous times and nothing has ever happened.

The problem is, I am best mates with my ex and our sex was great.

Once before we got close (hugged, stroked each others jeans & wrestled). But I stopped it before we began wanking or anything else... I also told my boyfriend, and he understood.

But the problem is, it's happened again. We are both not getting sex from our partners and as a result it's becoming a problem to control ourselves.

I will tell my boyfriend again... and hope he doesn't finish our relationship because once is bad enough.. but I am not a liar, nor will I ever be one. Though how do I stop sexual feelings between myself and my ex? Can we be friends and stop it happening? Or will I have to let go of him for good, as I don't want to do that but can't lose my boyfriend.

[Woollyhats]

You can't stop your sexual feelings, but you can stop contact with your ex if you don't want to lose your current boyfriend.

You say you don't have sex --- is it painful, low sex drive, etc.? Those are problems you [SIZE="5"]work out with your boyfriend, not by having sex with your ex boyfriend.
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This should be obvious to you.

LAst note, No, you can't be friends and stop it happening. You passed that already. If you want monogamy with your boyfriend you are the type of person that needs to sever contact with your exes. I don't care if it isn't fair, that's what you need to do if you want to stop abusing the trust in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your reply @Woollyhats. In terms of my ex, we meet up twice a week and in a year, this has happened twice. We are best friends, not just ex's. I'm going to be totally gutted to lose him.

I do agree that I will have to let him will be very hard, especially as we control ourselves 99.5% of the time. It's just a shame we can't sort out that 0.5%...

My current boyfriend has low esteem. He's only topped me (that once), and I thought that might help him, but if anything... I think it's worried him. He continually goes soft during foreplay (when we're building up to it).

[southbiochem]

First, it's only natural to want sex..period..

but if you want and care for this relationship to thrive, you need to do 2 things..

1.-have a sitdown with the ex and state that you 2 need to spend less time together, that is if you both can't trust yourselves not to cheat

2.- Have a sitdown with the BF and adress his problems in bed...there's a psychological issue there that needs to be adressed, if we go by what you said...suggest counseling, therapy, anything to get to the source of his problems...you'll need to be supportive and patient, as it may take a while for the both of you to have sex again without it being something you force on him..

best of lucks

[Evan88]

^ I agree with south biochem..

Communication is really essential, so first off, talk to your ex. You both know the consequences of your actions, I presume. Talk about the consequences and bad effects of the thing you two are doing..

You said you are best mates with your ex so it would be really hard to let go, been there done that.. But, a good thing to preserve the friendship is to always meet on a public place and never in the house because it might lead to cheating..

how do I stop sexual feelings between myself and my ex?
Sexual feelings would diminish if you two will see each other less, or with other friends. You cant stop it in a snap, it is a process, little by little, it would be lessened if you know how to control your feelings. Remember, its always a choice to do it or not. The keyword is self control. Even if you are both in a private place and feels some urge to do something, if you have self-control, nothing will happen

Can we be friends and stop it happening?
You two can be friends that's why i said communication is essential. You two should talk about it and tell each other your limits, be aware about the limitations of your relationship if you dont want to get into any troubles.. You two can still go out & talk, without doing anything sexual. Public place is a good place to hang out and dont go home together.

its also your choice if you wanna let him go completely.. if thats better for you.
At the end of the day, you should just think of options to make things RIGHT for you. All things will just fall into the right places if you do things RIGHT.

[philsguy95]

You've basically answered your own questions. You've tried friendship with no sexual interactions and failed. There really isn't anything to this that isn't pretty basic, even if the specifics complicate matters. The bottom line is usually what someone should use to move forward on. So, the bottom line is this: you have a great guy who you have a strong connection to and don't want to lose. To ensure that doesn't happen, you can't frolic with anyone, especially not an ex who you've already fooled around with and by your own admission still have a "best friends" relationship with, which constitutes a strong connection, and not just a physical one. Talk to your boyfriend, be honest as can be, and do what he feels necessary to move forward, even if that means cutting the bestie loose. It'll be hard, but for the best.