When will my ex understand that it's over between us?

[Anonymous]

So I'm a gay man and I had a boyfriend. We were together for 2,5 years and then he cheated on me and I broke up with him. When we started dating, I told him that the only thing I never forgive is cheating and he swore he would never do that to me. We were happy and then, few months ago, he went to this party. I couldn't join him, because I had to work and he got drunk and slept with some guy. He didn't tell me about it several weeks and then one day he confesed that he can't hide it from me any longer and his consiscience is killing him. Of course, I was angry and I broke up with him immidiately. He was crying and begging and promising me that he loves me and nothing like this will wver happen again and I told him to get lost.

The problem is that he doesn't want to understand that it's over. He writes lots of text messages and emails to me everyday with the same topic - how sorry he is. He waits for me outside the place where I work. He comes to my home and he can knock and not go away for hours, I don't let him in because I don't want to see him and talk to him. Once I even found him sleeping on the stairs next to my door as I was going to the job in the morning. All the time he says he wants to talk but we have nothing to talk about. He has already murdered our love, what else is there to talk about? He says he realizes he has made a big mistake, but he loves only me. Wow, perfect timing. When he got into bed with that dude, he didn't think about loving me.

Few days ago I met his sister who was blaming me for what is happening to her brother. She said he doesn't eat, he barely sleeps, he never lets his phone out of hands, hoping I would call. I don't think it's my fault. He cheated on me and I broke up with him. I don't want to be together with someone who doesn't respect me and my feelings. I just want to forget him but it's very hard to do it, if I get some reminder abou him every day. I never forgive cheating and this won't be an exception. Just want to forget him.

. What the hell is wrong with him? Why can't he act as an adult and not make such a scene of our breakup? I'm 26, he's 27.

[Joshular]

He sounds like he cares lots about you. But there is only one thing you can do if you don't want to be with him anymore and that is ignore him till he get's the message

[sitchblap]

its not your fault... he is the one who fucked up. my ex's sister tells me i should apologize like wtf he cheated its not my fault! not about me im sorry but umm just go on with your life. if it really bothers you just tell him you can be friends and nothing more. no sex lol watch him get tired of that.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Drunk people do stupid things - trust me I know, I spend a goodly amount of time doing stupid things and that means being drunk.

I think one thing you may be suffering from is idealistic youth. You may have an unrealistic approach to what has happened. Yeah sure you can insist on being with a guy who never cheats, but how realistic is that given that males are typically more than able to disengage their big head and let their little head do all their thinking?

How realistic is it to expect a drunk to have their full wit and not do something or say something they regret in the pale morning light when the hangover hits?

From what you said he feels real remorse. He Told you - this isn't you accidentally discovering a shit load of evidence that he has been cheating.

Sure you're angry, hurt whatever other emotions you are feeling.

However between you and me, there are really not that many guys (regardless of their sexuality) who are not hard wired to fuck anything that moves. It is hard wired into males. Yours is a species that survived and exists because males spread their seed far and wide, the very shape of the penis and all of that furious activity and the size of the testicles all attest to a promiscuous species.

Granted, humans have the thinking fore-brain, but it is smaller and newer on the scene and we are often all lead by the older, larger animal hind brain. Mix any substance that loosens the control of the fore-brain and animal behaviors will take place.

Having had 6 relationships in my life I can tell you from my personal experiences that finding a half decent man is very hard to do. Finding one that is within your age brackets, your compatibility for whatever reason in a population where 99% of the males you meet are going to be straight, makes finding that mate you want pretty damn hard.

A lot of our single members here are single because the options for half quality dudes out there is pretty slim. Us older ones have either given up totally or are jaded to any potential thus remain forever single as a matter of practical choice.

If this is the worst and only thing your BF has done to you, count your blessings.

Now I'm not saying run back to his arms without ground rules. I am saying don't throw away what you have over one issue. If you two get along and have no other serious issues, perhaps you need to accept his one mistake and try to reconcile and give him a second chance.

Oh definitely tell him there is a 'no drinking without me around to supervise' rule now. Since the underlying problem here is he got drunk and forgot his place.


You are not going to find a perfect man. The last perfect man was nailed to a cross. Humans cannot accept perfection, we need to kill it. .

You will find men with flaws you can live with and flaws you cannot live with. You will find men who make mistakes then spend a goodly amount of time trying to make up for that and not repeat that mistake.

I suspect that in this case your partner here is very willing - I'm uncertain about ability - there are no guarantees - but he is willing to do what he must to not make this mistake again.

Understand he came to you and confessed - trust me, that is worthy of a second chance in and of itself, most guys will bury it, hide it, lie about it and often get into the habit of doing it over and over again because they got away with it once.

He feels real remorse and is attempting to make amends. That has to be worth something.

Given my own personal experiences and what I know of humans and life on this God forsaken ball of mud - this partner you have may be as good as it gets. There may be no better. But I assure you there are far, far worse men in the world.

If you are going to change this and go back to him, you better act now. The longer you punish him in this matter the more likely he is to turn mean. right now he is in the depths of his grief, but that is soon going to change to more self defensive behaviors. The window of opportunity to salvage what you have is closing.

[Anonymous]

Oh, so cheating is an acceptable behaviour? Well not for me. I've had relationships before him too and I've never cheated my partner. I don't think that faithfulness means being perfect and is too much to ask. Thinking with his smallest head might be a behavior for a teenager, not a grown man that he is. Why can I be faithful and he can't? I would never be able to trust him again. I just want him out of my life as soon as possible and I want him to stop making these drama scenes like a girl.

[Hikari]

I think Bowyn Aerrow is right

[Hikari]

Oh, so cheating is an acceptable behaviour? Well not for me. I've had relationships before him too and I've never cheated my partner. I don't think that faithfulness means being perfect and is too much to ask. Thinking with his smallest head might be a behavior for a teenager, not a grown man that he is. Why can I be faithful and he can't? I would never be able to trust him again. I just want him out of my life as soon as possible and I want him to stop making these drama scenes like a girl.

Sometimes people do bad and stupid things when they are drunk . . . It does not mean they are bad person who should never be forgiven . . .

[southbiochem]

When he got into bed with that dude, he didn't think about loving me.

To be fair he wasn't thinking about anything, he was drunk...and maybe you're putting way to much punishment on this guy for a drunken mistake, ..

but that's just my opinion on this particular case...I happen to abhore cheating too..

and I say this given his reaction to it. He seems to really care about you...and you are not treating him like a human being...he's allowed mistakes and when he does he doesn't need to be hostilized like you are doing right now...regardless of your determination to end things try to treat him just a little better

alas, no one can change how you feel and think

anyway, first adress the sister and tell her to stop adressing you as a couple's issues are for the couple to deal with with no third parties being involved...

then, have a final talk with him, sit him down and state very clear that you don't want to see him anymore..then, remove him from any type of contact list...that should send the message...hopefuly he will learn from this not to get drunk and make stupid mistakes from it

[dfiant1]

Nobody is going to say that cheating is right or wrong because each of us have a differing perspective of WHAT cheating is. People here are giving their opinions which you can take as advice or (Democracy is great when it works), or you can chose not to it as advice.

You need to do what is right for you....continuing on this course maybe the right thing....OR sitting down and having a chat with him before continuing the course or changing your mind and finding it in your heart to forgive maybe not on the right thing, but the fair thing?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Oh, so cheating is an acceptable behaviour? Well not for me. I've had relationships before him too and I've never cheated my partner. I don't think that faithfulness means being perfect and is too much to ask. Thinking with his smallest head might be a behavior for a teenager, not a grown man that he is. Why can I be faithful and he can't? I would never be able to trust him again. I just want him out of my life as soon as possible and I want him to stop making these drama scenes like a girl.

Acceptable? Hmm Well no not fully. Forgivable - to a point.

That point being 'this is the only chance you get, if it happens again....'

Why can you be faithful and he can't? Clearly you find sex to be something different than he does. To you sex is emotionally a powerful thing - for him, maybe not so much.

Um yes, 100% fidelity, no cheating is perhaps the silliest thing we can ask of a person.

We live in a crazy world where some people think that just looking at another guy is 'cheating', or looking at porn, or sex-texting with another person, or various other variations on the theme.

What you seem to be bound and determine to not look at is the circumstances of this particular case.

From what you said its not like your partner actively sought to cheat on you. He went to a party, drank way too much and an opportunity arose while his mind was addled that lead to his having sex.

Then he turned around and agonized about it and decided to tell you the truth knowing full well that there was a risk of severe punishment.

That is not actually how cheaters do their cheating. Cheaters, real cheaters, lie about it, they actively seek to get sex, and often enough they continue to cheat over and over again because they are getting away with it.

My last partner of 14 years spent the last 12 years of our relationship lying to come up with time to meet up with at least 120 different men, lied about his whereabouts, lied about working late, lied about going to job interviews. He showed absolutely no remorse, and I discovered his pattern of behaviors 12 years later through accident.

THAT is cheating. What your partner did was a stupid mistake, yes - very stupid, but its not like he actively sought to cheat.

His behaviors, while you feel are all drama, are indicative of a very remorseful person who is so terribly sorry for what they did they are doing everything in their power to show you how sorry they are.

The fact that you look upon this display of greif and remorse with disdain tells me that you are really not that nice of a person.

I've had relationships before him too and I've never cheated my partner.

And how did those end? This is a question you need to ask yourself.

How and why and how many have you been in so far? Comparing those to the other things this current partner offers, what chances are you are going to find a guy who meets your expectations in any and all other areas?

Do you honestly think you are going to find a guy who will be faithful and all of that and a bag of chips? Do you think that other partners are somehow magically not going to do something to piss you off and break the relationship?

You are weighing one instance against its self. I'm asking you to weigh it against the circumstances in which it happened and against your realistic expectations of finding a guy who will meet all of your rules - since apparently with previous relationships you have either been cheated on by every guy, which now brings us to the idea that perchance there are no other guys who are 'faithful' or you have a much longer list of unacceptable behaviors beyond cheating.

Again Monogamy is contrary to the natural order. The shape of the penis, the idea that the penis has to pump in and out of a hole for so long (thus sucking out competing semen), the size of the testes (which in gorillas who have more monogamy than humans is smaller, while in bonobos who can't seem to keep from breeding everything is much larger) all points at a species that does not do monogamy. In fact the Genetic Evidence demonstrates that if humans were monogamous it would have failed as a species long ago.

So your exceptions here are pretty silly given the large amount of physical scientific data about the species.

And just because you haven't fucked around on a partner to this date doesn't mean that one day the right set of circumstances won't come around to bring you to doing exactly that which you loath most.

While I am not saying you do not have a valid reason to be angry and hurt, I do think that your actions are a bit over the top.

I suspect there is more going on here than you care to admit, and that you have latched on this one mistake as a way to justify other things.