So I've been on OKCupid for some time now. I really hadn't had much luck on it, but a few weeks ago I was contacted by someone, we'll call him Joe, and I met him for a date. We clicked; he's smart and is into the same kinds of things I am, and he's pretty cute too. We've seen each other maybe four times total so far. We've had sex a couple times too, and I found the experience to be largely unimpressive. While he's cute, I wouldn't say that he's that sexy (that is to say, I'm not terribly attracted to him, though I don't consider him to be unattractive).
Recently though I've been contacted by someone else on OKCupid, someone who "rated me highly" according to an email I got. We'll call him Sam. Sam is a knockout, I find myself very attracted to him sexually from his pictures (which include ones which show a lot of skin; in one of them he's just in his underwear) and I've chatted with him a little (a feat in it of itself since he's listed as "responds selectively") and he seems alright.
I guess my question is, would it be a dick move, or cheating, to go on a date with Sam? I've known Joe only a couple weeks or so and have only seen him 4 or 5 times, so I wouldn't say the relationship is all that serious yet. On the other hand, we have had sex, and we seem to like each other whereas I don't really know what Sam would be like or if we'd click like I did with Joe. I also know that Joe is a very monogamous minded person; he's not into "open relationships" or anything like that.
So...would it be cheating to see Sam?
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
Cheating is the act of secret indiscretion between partner 2 and another outside person, unbeknownst to partner 1 who a commitment, trust, and relationship has been entered into.
Personally, what you wrote is completely shallow and vain, since you are apparently only looking for guys who suit your visual needs. And from what you have said, no commitments have been made or discussed. So no, you would not be cheating. A player, yes, cheater, no.
•
as you find yourself not in a relationship you are not cheating..
but it doesn't make it any less of a bad thing to not be honest with guy number one...
Given the early stages in which you are in with himI assume you have not discussed exclusiveness. You should bring up this subject to guy number one making it clear that you are thinking about other options, don't conceal this from him..
granted that, you can try about how things go with guy number 2 and see from there....given, of course, that guy number one is ok with being a "choice", which he may not
•
Oh OkCupid..
You're not in a relationship with the first guy, so it's not cheating,
but you do owe him some honesty.
If you don't feel the same for him, then why not just be upfront about it?
You'll just be both saving time let alone more emotion spent on his
part cause he probably thinks you're this guy who feels the same about
him, but in reality you're not that guy.
Just be honest.
•
Seems to me that you're more in search of a cute looking sex thing. And well it isn't a relationship if you only have been seeing Joe for only two weeks. But if you're not interested that's a total different story and that little may have you lose both of them. As others been saying in this thread just end it with Joe or don't give him any hopes that you'll be continuing with him because then YES you'd be a massive dick for doing so and chasing to rabbit at once. I don't know for you but finding a mate is difficult for lots of people and it doesn't matter your appearance.
On a dating site there's the one that create a profile and wait for people to contact them,
There's the proactive one who would select its people and contact them and there's that insatiable rabbit hitting everything that has a dick and ass. So which one are you? And which one is Joe, the contradictory part in what you're saying is that you clicked, he was smart and you have a lot in common, but during sex you were unimpressed and now out the sudden he's not that much attractive. That almost tempt me to ask what was your role in that? Before you had sex did you actually tell him what you like? If on both time you had sex with him and you stand unimpressed i'd say that you did not really convey to your date what you like.
And than come Sam... no affinities with you but you are attracted to him. If you are looking for a real relationship and you have found someone that has so much affinities with you versus the one that look good but isn't as good looking... I've got to say that you're not ready for a boyfriend... you just want sex. So if that's the case tell it to both of your conquest and be their friend with benefits for a while. That way none of them would expect any kind of serious relationship from you until you make up your mind of have had your ass plowed and your sack emptied enough your vision will change 
Don't hurt anyone and be honest... because don't one single thing, what goes around comes around... if you neglect Joe and find out that Sam isn't up to the challenge... Joe is smart right... he'll find out. In fact taking in consideration that you're profile was still online even if you already had two date with Joe... don't worry he knows you're on the prowl.
•
Well you aren't going steady so it's not cheating.
But if you go on a date you need to be open and say you're still dating other guys for now
...Just so everyone is on equal footing.
•
I agree that it's not cheating IF you and Joe haven't talked about being exclusive. You already know enough about him to think that he is the monogamous type, so you obviously have an issue anyway. You jumped into sex pretty damn quick, it's so early in your relationship anything could happen and no one should be surprised.
In your situation, I would meet Sam once before saying anything to Joe (unless there is an expectation of exclusivity at this point). If you click with Sam (out of bed) and feel sexually attracted, then I would end things with Joe right away. Best case scenario is you start dating Sam and remain friends with Joe, but that requires a lot from you and Joe. Worst case is you try to butter your bread on both sides, then lose everything by pissing them both off.
•
No its not cheating, but it is a dick move.
Dating is not about comparing people against each other. This isn't something like buying a car where you test drive each car and then pick one, compare the car facts and reviews on each model.
Instead in dating you decide if a human being based on their own merits meets your needs. You do not test drive a human being then go and test drive other human beings to compare them against each other.
You are trying to play the field. Do you also intend to hold on to each guy as you collect more and not commit to either while you continue this 'shopping' because they will make good 'fall back' options? That won't work, it never works. And you will never actually find a mate - potential mates, sure, real mates - no.
BEFORE you go to test drive Sam, you need to decide if the Joe Model is or is not what you are looking for. If Yes, then forget test drving the Sam Model and purchase the Joe Model. If no then you need to leave the Joe Model by telling the Joe Model that you have tried it out and have decided we ain't compatible, disengage fully from that then Test Drive the Sam Model.
•
Thanks for your advice everyone. I'd like to expand a little on my original post and I guess defend myself here.
First of all, I'm not just looking for sex, I want a good healthy relationship; I'm not looking to juggle multiple boyfriends. I'd prefer the relationship would be one that allows fooling around with someone else every now and again (with healthy discussion, more of a "swingers" thing than an "open relationship") but that's mere icing on the cake, not something mandatory.
I'm kind of new to the dating scene. I had a relationship when I was younger where they loved me, but I didn't feel the same way about them. Breaking up with them was incredibly painful, and soured me to the whole experience, so I sort of shied away from dating for most of my life for fear I'd have to repeat that pain (I did have a couple relationships, but they were looser). As such I've been very selective about the people I date; Joe is really the first person in a long time I've been comfortable starting a relationship with. Breaking up with him is not something I'd do lightly.
I'm also curious, when exactly does a relationship go from "just seeing each other" to "boyfriend?" Lots of you say that it's not cheating since I'm "not in a relationship," when does it become a relationship? Does one of us have to say "okay we're boyfriends now?"
It seems like the acceptable dating method that most of you follow is "find a person you like and stick with that person exclusively, including in the early stages of the relationship. If you want to see someone else, dump the first guy first (or at least talk to him about it)" Is that about right? So in that case I should be even more picky about who I start dating right? Since you better get it right the first time or you might be stuck with a sub par option (not that Joe is necessarily sub par). Talking about it seems like it could work, but there are two things I don't like about it: 1) I feel like it might hurt Joe's feelings to know I'm considering others as well (is this paranoid?), and 2) if I bring it up and Joe is adamantly against it then my hand is forced, and I need to choose right then and there (or go behind his back and be unfaithful...).
Yes, I am trying to play the field. I feel like if I'm going to commit to a relationship I'd rather do so with the person who is best for me. A subpar relationship is likely to eventually end anyway. I'm really not experienced enough to know if Joe is what I'm looking for; he is in some ways and isn't in others. To use the car example, if you drove a car and it had some minor problems but ultimately ran fine, would you stop right there and buy it? Because I think I'd check a few other models out to see if I could find a better fit. I've never really seen someone go car shopping and buy the very first car they tested out without looking at other ones first.
Anyway, assume I decide to stick with Joe and not do anything with Sam. What should I do if Sam messages me on OKCupid asking me out on a date? Just say "no I'm seeing someone?" If I did, wouldn't it seem like I was leading him on the whole time?
•
Cars don't have emotions to deal with, cars don't really mind either way if you drive them and only them or if you drive all sorts of cars. Well Christine had issues, but most cars have no feelings on the matter.
My Analogy was to attempt to point out that you are treating a human being like an object, not like a person.
The other thing here is you don't appear to understand what a person who is into strict monogamy thinks and feels when it comes to sex. He has on one level or another already committed two you, and since you both have had sex several times with each other he is most likely viewing this as the opening moves of a relationship and would unlike you, dismiss any other offers.
Pain: I hate to break this to you but all relationships, even happy ones which are solid come with pain - lots of pain, miserably, horrendous, horrible pain. Pain is as much a part of love as heat is part of fire.
If you are trying to shield yourself from pain, well you just need to give up interacting with human beings altogether. Any emotional attachment to a human being comes with the risk of pain, the deeper the attachment, the greater the pain.
There is no person who is best for you. Instead how can you be better for them? Ah the tricky nature of love, to be selfless while being extremely selfish. Love is contradictory, relationships are hard, and all relationships are huge, tremendous risks where your heart is on the line and is most likely (in all probability) going to end up being ripped out of your chest, shredded, jumped up and down on, and all sorts of other abuses.
There really isn't a magical happily ever after, and there is no one you will be 100% compatible with. Love also defies logic.
It boils down to do you love this guy? Yes or no?
•
|
Dating advice: would I be a dick for doing this?
