Hey all,
I'm not new to gayspeak, but I've found it a helpful place to seek advice and support when I'm having relationship problems - as is the case at the moment.
Anyway, in the interest of keeping it short, I will simply say my boyfriend and I have been together for over two years now, and throughout have been fairly successful at keeping our relationship in good shape. I'm preparing to move away in the fall for school, and I feel that there are unresolved issues that need to be solved before I leave; otherwise I think our relationship is will not be viable when I move.
The root problem, in my opinion, is chiefly one of sexual (in)compatibility. We have, throughout the relationship, been sexually incompatible. He is a top, and is completely uninterested in trying to serve a more versatile role as a sexual partner. That is an issue I have largely come to terms with as a condition for being in this relationship. The problem which is the topic of this post, is the disparity between our sex drives and our prefered frequency of sexual interaction. I would guess I am firmly on the upper end of the spectrum; once a day would be an ideal minimum for me. For him, it appears as though twice a month, or just slightly less, is more than adequate for his sexual needs.
We have discussed these issues many times, and have effectively made no progress on dealing with them. I am looking into reducing my sex drive as a way to reduce friction within the relationship, and to perhaps more accurately, better align my sex drive to his in order to reduce my own frustration.
Before anyone questions my desire to reduce my sex drive, please don't. Although I would prefer for my boyfriend and I to meet somewhere in the middle, given my experience with him that is not a practical goal, and is certainly not a compromise that is realistic. With that in mind, I would ask people to limit their advice to the ways in which they have themselves, or heard, effectively reduce male sex drive.
Thank you in advance everyone.
<3 Ceru
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Not to jump to conclusions, but since he can't get what he needs with you, being that you're both tops, maybe he's getting his fix elsewhere, especially since he's only sexually interested in you twice a month.... sounds like a red flag to me!
He's a man, and men have needs... ones that you can't provide for him.
On the topic of reducing your sex drive, in effort to not annoy him, I've heard anti-psychotic medications and some anti-depressants do wonders for obliterating one's sex-drive. You'd became pope-like!
Otherwise, just jack-off till your hands fall off! Sure, it won't rid you of your natural desires, but it would calm you down, and reduce interest in fucking him, to his approval.
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Thanks for the post I guess. I never said anything about us both being tops. Actually versatile, so on tue rare occasions when he does want to have sex, I'm am able to satisfy his needs; though not the other way round. That comes back to the sexual incompatibility mentioned earlier in my posts. In conjunction with the fact that he is a sweet guy, I dont think he's getting action from someone else.
As for becoming pope like; that wasn't what I was aiming for. I just want to bring my sex drive more in line with his. An I would prefer to not accomplish this with some drug regimen that may have negative side effects. I was looking for something more along dietary lines.
Thanks for posting though.
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Don't suspect him of cheating because twice a month is his preferred amount of sex. Some people just have lower sex drives. Twice a month would definitely be enough for me (even if it's not ideal).
If that's all the sex he wants to have you can't really force him to do it more often. I doubt you'd be able to lower your own sex drive though, so I guess you're gonna have to settle for twice a month and take care of the rest on your own.
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Hi Ceruleaan,
I can't really help you with the sex drive issue - that just is what it is. In regards to meeting the middle with your partner, it sounds like a discussion is in order. Make sure that both of you are on the same page when it comes to needs, etc.
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Sounds more like an inability and not an unwillingness.
My list of what to try in the order you should try them.
1. He goes to a doctor (M.D. Physical) to get his chemistry and body parts checked out.
Low T is serious for young men:
Quote:The causes of low testosterone include a pituitary disorder, damage to the testicles due to alcoholism, physical injury, or viral infection; chronic liver and kidney disease; iron overload; and cancer treatment. Stress can be a contributing factor as can any chronic illness.
Source: http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/QAA400307/ne...stosterone
IF his issue of lack of sex drive is low testosterone it can be indicative of something serious.
2. After that, regardless of the outcome, you need to seriously consider couples counseling. A therapist will want to see you both together (As a couple) and for individual sessions - those individual sessions will allow him/her to get an idea of where you both are coming from on this and many other subjects.
However, you are getting ready to go away for ???? IDK, how long are you going to be away?
Perhaps you two need to consider the option of parting company. You have a life at school, you are not too happy about the home situation, you feel that its unresolvable in the time allotted (which is most likely true) and the distance thing will place a huge strain on this relationship.
From what you say you both love each other outside of the bedroom. Are you two on best friends level in the relationship? Understand friendship between lovers is always important to a satisfying relationship, there is nothing wrong in your partner being your friend or best friend.
It may very well be that you two are destined to be good friends, best friends, but are not compatible for 'lovers'.
At your age I strongly suggest you prepare for the idea that you and he will not be together for life. Yeah I know, there is hope - and there is a slim chance that you two can be lovers for life. However can you two continue to do 'this' for the rest of your lives?
You are 23, you are soon going off to University which is going to open doors for you in the way of experiences you can't even imagine. There will be hundreds of new people to meet. If your partner is around your age, well then you both are on the fast track of self discovery and learning at an exponential rate about what life really is about here on planet earth. Such experiences and such learning will have profound impacts on who you are as individuals.
Honestly, I know of very few 30 year olds who were anything like they were at age 20. Their whole world view changes, their course in life changes and they find that what they liked in a person in their early 20's is not what they like or want or most importantly need in a person when they are in their early 30's.
Perhaps you two need to sit down and discuss this move you are making and try to fathom where you all will be as individuals in 2 years, 5 years years down the road.
Perhaps what is needed is for two men to come to an agreement that they are good friends, but not so good as lovers and neither is fully satisfied with what they have. Perhaps this new venture you will be better for you if you are single, and this leaves him the opportunity to pursue his happiness as well.
A couple's therapist may actually want you two to actually explore this potential route, and it may be best to start of with the assumption that you both are going to use the therapist to find a nice way to part company?
IDK.
I do know that there are no quick fixes here, and you are going to school soon. You definitely will not be able to fix 'this' while you are away.
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Hey all,
Thanks again for the responses, thoughts, and advice.
I have been trying, as suggested above, to cope with these issues on my own, but I feel it isn't really viable long-term, particularly as I'm moving away soon. Even with a "perfect" relationship, extended long-distance is going to add strain. While I think we do have a strong relationship, there is no telling what issues the particulars of being apart will add to the mix. I don't think the "taking care of the rest" on my own strategy is going to hold in this case.
I like the idea of meeting somewhere in the middle, or compromising, but its been a elusive goal, and something I've tried to approach with him before. I'm going to continue to try and get a dialogue on the issues going though as you suggest. The only issue is he is younger, still has yet to complete his third level education, and I'm not sure if he is quite mature enough to have this kind of discussion. If his prior reticence is anything to go by, I'm pretty sure he is aware that there are serious issues, but is hoping that they will merely dissipate over time. Anyway, I'll keep trying to get a conversation off the ground.
That being said, I am not confident that this discussion will be fruitful, as it has not been despite many past attempts. This is part of the reason I was opting to try to reduce my own sex drive. I believe that I would be able to deal with the somewhat dissatisfying lack of versatility in the bedroom, but the disparity in sex drive is not something I'm as sure about. Rightly or wrongly, and given past experience, I believe he may not, and likely will not ever be, ready to have a discussion on any of the issues. That being said, the lack of advice or discussion relating to my initial question on how to reduce my sex drive, seems to suggest that no one hear thinks its a good or feasible idea. If that is the case, I'd like someone to say as much!
As for whether or not we should consider the medical/counselling course of action, I suppose it is a thought worth pondering. He has had a recent medical check-up and there were no medical issues. I'm just not sure I want to deal with the baggage and expense of counselling. My own background is in psychology, and I'm not convinced of the effectiveness of couples counselling when there are so many issues in the mix. I would have preferred to get a grip on our issues by working together, and then with some progress in hand, bring in a therapist. I feel he is not in the right mindset to work on things yet, and so counselling seems unlikely, to me, to really allow us to gain any ground as a couple.
I'm beginning to consider that maybe you are right that this relationship is not meant to last, and perhaps when I move that will provide some kind of natural break. He and I share many of our friends, so I view it as a necessity that we end things amicably if possible. Perhaps overcommitment is the issue here, I don't know.
Anyway, thanks again for all the advice and thoughtful responses. If anyone has more words of wisdom, please continue to post. The more I know, the more informed my strategy moving forward will be.
<3 Ceru
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Did he bring up the lack of sex drive to the doctor? If not then Doctor's check-up may not have included looking into this particular problem. A general Physical checks for common (at your particular age) ailments, not for things less common like Low-T in a 20-something year old which is rare thus unnecessary to check in all males of that age group.
I'm sorry you feel therapy won't help.
I fail to see what so many issues are, from what you said there is one - sexual 'dysfunction' in the relationship. You said nothing of trust issues, or behavioral issues outside of the bedroom. And my suggestion for couples therapy was to open the doors for individual therapy (for him) in case there is something else going on here mentally/emotionally with him being unwilling to have that much sex.
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I have two words for you........
Couples Therapy
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Many issues was the wrong way to put it. You ate right, its one big issues, but unfotlrtunately one big issue that generates many others; chiefly dissatisfaction on my part.
I didnt realize you meant trying couples therapy I'm order to get the ball rolling for him; in that case it might be worth a shot.
I'll broach the topic with him and get back to y'all on how it goes. Thanks again for the advice guys!
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Relationship Turbulence - Need Help
