Hey guys.
I've been in a relationship with another guy for about 9 months now. I'm in college, so is he. I'm one of the two people he has told that he's gay. All my friends know, and my family knows and accepts him, but no one else.
He has a friend of his, a bit older, who is a lesbian, even married who he often hangs out with alone and who he introduced to me early, but who he hasn't come out. But honestly, in the couple times we've hung out I've been really uncomfortable being in the closet. I am more than happy to be in the closet for his family and his other good friends (who are mostly anti-gay), and all my friends and family know and accept him, but a lesbian, who is married?
I'm conflicted, because I've always believed someone should always come out when they're ready. But we're open with each other and I can't help but mention that I feel uncomfortable just pretending he's a friend in front of her (that's why I've only seen her a couple times). But after nine months of me being the first person he came out too, he still hasn't done it. And honestly, this friend of his is really awesome, I just don't like being in the closet again for someone who'd obviously be accepting!
Any opinions? Also, trying out this poll option...
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my opinion is it doesn't change a thing. If he's not ready to come out, he's not ready to come out. His lesbian friend's character has nothing to do with it.
You could encourage him to come out to her, but if he chooses not to, you should drop the subject.
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A tough situation. Keep being an amazing boyfriend by being there for him the way that you have.
I'm sure he appreciates your love and dedication to respecting his wishes to not out him more than you'll ever know.
And more than likely, his lesbian friend already knows, and possibly some of his family and homophobic friends. It's a tough transition for some, coming out the closet. Just continue being there for him, and as time goes on, I'm sure he will gain the confidence to come out, lose the "friends" that where never real to begin with, and be surprised with the ones that won't care and value his friendship nonetheless.
I understand, to an extent, the struggle on your part though. My first boyfriend, when I was 17, was homeless when we first met because he was outed by a bitter ex-girlfriend to his extremely religious mother. He struggled for so long, going back and forth, with trying to shake off his homosexuality through the "power of prayer", refuting our relationship with tears streaming down his face, then coming back home to me after trying to, again, accept his homosexuality and our love.... ugh.. I was at such a different place mentally, being out of the closet since I was 12... it was such a roller coaster ride. He ended up cheating on me two years later, and I broke up with him.....
Anyhoo... stick with it, as the love shown from your family and friends most definitely emboldens him with confidence and self-love!
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Coming out is a very personal decision, and frankly you have no right to pressure him to come out in order to satisfy your need to be recognised as a couple, either by his family or his friends.
If you both love each other then the issue of who is or isn't out in the relationship should not be an issue.
Just be aware that if you force the issue (or tell his friend behind his back) you run the danger of loosing him completely.
Good Luck,
ObW
X
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I won't say drop the subject altogether, but do not be incessantly annoyingly repeating the request he comes out.
A majority of out/in couples find the situation untenable, and eventually the relationship falls apart. It takes a bit more work to keep such a relationship going, and he may not realize that.
I would ask him why it is he refuses to come out to another known homosexual (the married lesbian friend). Why doesn't he trust her? Has she done something in the past to make him conclude she cannot be trusted with this information?
She would be a good starting place, if he can manage to trust.
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OlderButWiser Wrote:Coming out is a very personal decision, and frankly you have no right to pressure him to come out in order to satisfy your need to be recognised as a couple, either by his family or his friends.
I don't think that's entirely true. There is an extent to which the closeted status will interfere with what one might want out of a relationship. What kind of future does the relationship have long term if there is no outside acknowledgment of it. If they move in together are they then going to be "roommates"?
Coming out is certainly a deeply personal choice, but that doesn't mean someone closeted should be free from criticism. If someone can't admit that they are gay to their family (barring situations where this would result in real harm to a person) then they probably aren't yet at a point where they are ready for a committed relationship.
I'm not saying the OP's boyfriend needs to rush into coming out, but this issue of him being closeted should be part of their conversation about their relationship and their expectations of each other. I think it is entirely fair for the OP to make clear that he would prefer a movement towards greater openness about his sexuality. Moreover, I think it would be far healthier to broach the subject with the boyfriend rather than keep the concerns to yourself.
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OrphanPip Wrote:Coming out is certainly a deeply personal choice, but that doesn't mean someone closeted should be free from criticism. If someone can't admit that they are gay to their family (barring situations where this would result in real harm to a person) then they probably aren't yet at a point where they are ready for a committed relationship.
Not quite, you see, you can be ready to be involved ina relationship without being ready to come out, those 2 things are not binding...
it happens to me..get me in front of a guy willing and I will settle, marry, start a college fund and all of it...and still, I wouldn't care for my parents knowing about it..
Criticism is acceptable, but it maybe counterproductive, if you criticize someone for being closeted you won't be encouraging to come out of it, you're just putting guilt on him.
Something about what you say reminds me about Dan Savage's claims that we closeted folks should be accountable for homophobia just as much as homophobes..but I may be going too far...
The best option for you dcast, if you are willing, is to helping him develope the confidence to come out, not by demanding it or pushing him, but rather showing him how good are the 2 of you together and how good it would be if you could show to world that...
Indeed, relationships where one is out, can be unbalanced
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"Boyfriend Hasn't Came Out"
Well unlock the door and open it.
Not that hard to do.
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OrphanPip Wrote:I don't think that's entirely true. There is an extent to which the closeted status will interfere with what one might want out of a relationship. What kind of future does the relationship have long term if there is no outside acknowledgment of it. If they move in together are they then going to be "roommates"?
Coming out is certainly a deeply personal choice, but that doesn't mean someone closeted should be free from criticism. If someone can't admit that they are gay to their family (barring situations where this would result in real harm to a person) then they probably aren't yet at a point where they are ready for a committed relationship.
I'm not saying the OP's boyfriend needs to rush into coming out, but this issue of him being closeted should be part of their conversation about their relationship and their expectations of each other. I think it is entirely fair for the OP to make clear that he would prefer a movement towards greater openness about his sexuality. Moreover, I think it would be far healthier to broach the subject with the boyfriend rather than keep the concerns to yourself.
You hit it spot on! I completely agree with what you have to say about this, considering I was in a situation myself with an ex.
He was out to his friends but not his family. I would try to approach the subject to him but it was pretty much off the table. It was tough for many reasons, I had to somewhat go back in the closet hiding my things around his place, making back up plans to escape if his parents come around etc... I do not think someone that is not fully out of the closet is ready for a committed long-term relationship that will last, because they have yet to deal with some deep internal issues. Especially when there is no talk about when they will come out...
To the OP
I believe you do need to approach the subject, and let time reveal itself. Do not push it to hard at first. Just get an idea of when he thinks he would be ready to come out. Then give it some time, and approach the subject again. As time goes on, you will want your partner to be with you at milestone events in your life and in your family's life. He will not be able to attend many of these things if he s in the closet, and that is a tough life to live especially when you are out of the closet yourself. Then you have to make a decision, you might love them, but in the end if it hurts too much to love them, then maybe it is time to let go.
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Dropping the subject will take off pressure for him to find a solution. You need to incessantly annoy him, for his mind to work on solutions and for him to realize he should come out.
Because sadly, he will have too. He can't just bury it away forever.
And if he does hide it forever, he'll closet you as well. You will have to hide and pretend just as he does, and it's going to get more and more and more complicated until it all blows up.
Yes, you need to push him to come out. Maybe not today, but he needs to know that it's a requirement and something he has to do soon. That may mean getting entirely new friends, and shaking his relationship with his parents, but it's something he'll have to do.
ALSO CONTEXT IS IMPORTANT IF HIS PARENTS ARE GOING TO MURDER HIM (in this case I mean this literally) OBVIOUSLY THE END GOAL HERE WOULD BE HIM MOVING IN WITH YOU IF IT'S THAT KIND OF SERIOUS AND TELLING FRIENDS THAT YOU MAKE TOGETHER. In this case you'd go from the whole telling family and such deal to making sure your friends and relevent people can share in your lives together honestly.
The good side is that you're here to support him.
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Boyfriend Hasn't Came Out
