family issues and shocking revelation

[jaxc]

just as a heads up, this is probably going to be long post, maybe longer than any one I made before but it's pretty serious and I need time to explain some things.
well it started about 1-2 weeks ago(time has been flying by),it started out as a mostly ordinary day, my dad got up to get ready for work, my sister was doing some school work on the computer and was downstairs watching T.V., well eventually my dad was mentioning something about house chores( what she was contributing etc.) and from what I've been told by my sister(and personally I believe it) he was being condescending and rude about it and this ticked her off (understandably, since he doesn't do much himself), but she was also being a pretty mouthy(from what I could tell) and they started going back and forth. At this point I feel it's relevant to mention that my dad has something of a history of anger management issues(though he isn't in the habit of actually being physically violent) and my sister, being a teenage girl, can be pretty bratty and mouthy, so it escalated quickly into a full on yelling match, eventually I decided to go up just in case things went too out of hand, but when I got to the dining room, all I seen was him hovering over her(possibly grabbing her arm) and her falling to the ground, and needless to say I was pretty shocked and not long after that my sister called the police. Well they finally came over to settle things and according to my dad, he was going to take my sister and show her the door since she was talking a lot about moving out, but according to my sister he physically grabbed her and made her fall to the ground(personally I think there might be some truth in both claims) and after the police left my dad was still pissed off and said that now he was going to be moving out for good within a couple weeks(at the time he said that) and hasn't really even tried talking with my sister again ever since, believing that there relationship was pretty much dead. However he has talked with me a couple of times about the situation, wanting my input since I essentially pay the rent and do most of the house chores. I told him that he's an adult and I can't stop him from doing what he want's to do, but that he should probably wait until the emotions died down and think this over more logically, and I'm pretty sure he took it to heart judging by the praise he gave me for it.
One other thing he said though is that before he leaves he want's to have a honest talk with me, maybe get some things off our chests, and when he said that I was kind of speechless, it could of been under better circumstances but maybe this is the opportunity I need to come out to him and be honest about how I feel about certain subjects, so in a way I kind of feel bittersweet about this whole situation, but it was probably going to come to this sooner or later and I guess there's nothing left to do but move on.
Now the revelation I mentioned in the title, was just shared with me today but it's something else I feel I also need to mention and to make it short, my dad with me that he's diagnosed with throat cancer( a specific kind but I can't remember right now)and that it's currently in recession but he only has about 2 years and at that point there's nothing that can be done about it, and well, I just don't know how to feel about, in a way it's saddening, but I really care more about how every one else will handle the news( I'm the only one he told so far) especially my grandmother who under normal circumstances is an emotional person. So right there's just so much going on for me to think about, but I think I'm handling it fairly well and I just wanted to share what's been going on lately.

[Woollyhats]

Try having a heart to heart with the sister. Tell her about your father's condition, say, "I know he's not the best father, I know he fights and has his issues, but he doesn't have that long, and it's important your last few years are spent on as good terms as possible.

In your sister's best interest, however, when things start getting physical at the teenage years it usually is time to look for alternative living arrangements. Things should never have gotten to that level --- but now that they are, your sister isn't going to feel safe or wanted in her home, likely ever again.

But that doesn't also mean that she doesn't have to have relationship with her father.

Edit: Ultimately the decision to have a relationship is up to her. Whatever she decides it's not wrong. If she decides she never wants a relationship with her father it is important not to push that on to her; it will make it worse. Also, if my answer missed anything important or doesn't make sense, it's because I am tired and my eyes are having a long time reading your text, I think something messed up and killed teh paragraphs.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

WoW!

Thats quite a day you had. How are you feeling about everything?



When cancer is "officially" in remission, then that normally means that the spreading has stopped and is in fact reducing meaning the likelihood of it leading to death has been greatly reduced (My dad died of cancer sometime ago, so I kind of understand tho Im no expert here) To make a statement that he's in remission and now has about two years to live, well something doesn't quite add up for me.

Im going to ask a question here, please don't take offence:

Is it possible he's raised this now to simply get you on his side? You don't mention mom (sorry) but do any other family members know about his diagnosis? It would be really REALLY unusual if he's kept this only to himself and no one else knows. It would also make me kind of suspicious about the timing of his announcement. Especially as you indicated that your the main breadwinner in the household and pay the rent. If he moves out, how is he going to support himself?

Its a really tough call, and easy for me to call out as I don't know you, your dad or the whole situation.

Perhaps a talk to another family member (not sis) is called for in order to better understand the situation - Maybe an aunt/uncle/grandparent etc.

Good luck man.

ObW
x

[Bowyn Aerrow]

The 5 stages of grief (which goes beyond people just dying, losing a job, end of marriage, dealing with illness, any bad news actually) is Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and finally Acceptance.

I know of several people who went through anger management and the main problem is that when dealing with 'grief' - they all get stuck in the Anger phase.

I have to wonder if your dad isn't seriously stuck in the Anger phase of his illness, and is now 'touchy' about everything else.

I'm not saying that pushing people or shoving them, or grabbing them and being condescending and all of that is 'OK', I am siding on Dad's side because it sounds like he already has a lot on his plate and the last thing he needs is a teenager throwing off teen-fits.

A lot of folk that went through anger management end up discovering that we are not as angry at others as we are with ourselves. Our own failures, our own inner critic, our own inability to provide, protect, secure, etc - that is what really makes us angry and everything outside of us becomes a 'symbol' of what is wrong with us (actually only what we perceive is wrong with us because we tend to fail to understand we are only human and not gods).

I think that how this chores thing is really working out in your father's head is that there is stuff needing to be done and clearly your sister is blind and isn't self motivated. Now your dad is thinking 'Shit I only got two years left to make certain she has her shit together enough to survive in a world without me.' - He gets angry, angry for having a short time left, angry for not teaching her whatever skills she needs, anger at not being the 'right dad', a 'good dad' so he ends up lashing out.

The Chores are a symbol of his own perceived and real failures as a father.

He is angry at himself and he expresses it as anger toward her and her not seeing that chores need to be done, or whatever.

Also understand that males are not taught how to deal with our emotions. He most likely was raised in an environment where basic truths such as 'Big boys don't cry' and 'Real men fear nothing' were programmed into him.

Cancer and ones own mortality is a valid reason to have fear. If you are taught you can't fear stuff (get angry at instead) then what do you do?

...wanting my input since I essentially pay the rent and do most of the house chores.

That has got to hurt him. He is supposed to be the dad, dads do the supporting and providing and stuff. He most likely has a great deal of shame here, and is angry about his inability to be dad. Thus chores and household stuff is going to be an extremely touchy subject for him.


Now the flip side of all of this is you Kids. I have to wonder how many times it goes through your head and your sister's head 'Dad is dying.' - Now how often do you actually talk about this subject? If both of you are just 'dealing with' this elephant in the room on your own, its going to lead to expressions of anger, frustration, guilt, and lots of other unsavory emotions at times when 'normally' you all wouldn't resort to fits of rage and bitter conflict.

Clearly there is no 'safe place' to vent the frustration, anger, etc for all of you dealing with this big C in your home.

IF Dad really is running out of time, this situation is not going to improve, I fear that the more you all do not address the emotions that are being raised here, the worst and more often fights over 'small shit' are going to take place. Then there is the end game stage, you all are real busy sowing seeds of resentment right now. If he is on the downward side of statistics then there will come debility, sickness, and people becoming caregivers. That will sow more seeds of resentment.

Trust me, caregivers are only human and a lot of 'ugly' emotions take place in a caregiver which they end up feeling guilty over, thinking they are a monster when all they are is human and care-giving brings out these emotions naturally.

I seriously doubt the chores is the real issue. I think that in this case 'doing chores' became a symbol of other deeper, unsolvable issues.

Cancer diagnoses are problematic, they present everyone (including doctors) with a situation where they have little to no power over events. Yes even health care providers are pretty much powerless. Sure they come off as being rational, sane and present potential solutions, but when you really actually listen to potential treatments the health care folk talk of percentages and stages and options. They don't talk certainties in cures.

Fear, anger, resentment, depression, anxiety, etc. etc. etc. are all natural to this territory. Unfortunately we live in a society that really doesn't like to deal with mortality and disease, as a society we focus on positives and tend to let the minority of those who suffer through these negatives fend for themselves.

The oncologist most likely already has a list of resources for the mental health aspect here for both the patient and the loved ones and the caregivers. There is no shame in asking for help for your dad, and the rest of your family. Honestly it sounds like this is going to get out of hand if you all don't seek a professional to help everyone deal with this 'crappy' situation.

The actions and reactions here are painfully, acutely human (normal). Nothing sick about how this has gone down and how it is going down.

[MisterTinkles]

Based on what you said, and there really was not a lot of background, but it seems your sister is the root cause of his anger situations.

Are both of you in school? Or do both of you have jobs?

I don't know the situation, but your father may feel like he's wasted all this time with your sister, so he's not willing to waste what little time he has left, dealing with her laziness and self-centered attitudes.

Along with the stages of grief and coming to terms with his condition, he is going to start thinking more and more of what his life has been, how he has raised you two, and how both of you are going to get along without him when he is gone. He may be worried to the point of depressive frustration, which can cause anger outbreaks. Not that he wants to get angry, but he does not know any other way in how to express what he is feeling.........especially since you are the only one who knows so far.

He may have wanted to shove your sister out in the cold, cruel world to "knock some sense" into her.
He may not be too worried about you, as you seem to be the stable minded one, he may see you as continuing on as a worthwhile adult. Your sister on the other-hand, seems to be going through her "Princess phase". Two years is NOT a lot of time to trying to be retraining someone to understand that things are going to get VERY difficult soon, especially a teenager or someone who is going through their "Princess phase".

I think that maybe you and your father should see a counselor that specializes with cancer patients.
If you do this, then the counselor can advise you on how to tell people....or the counselor can have a family session, where you or your father tells everyone what is going on.

The closer it gets to your fathers time where he will have to go into a care facility, the more worried he is going to get for you two. Yelling and screaming may have been a common thing in the past, to get someone to listen to you, but now it is a cry from your father to straighten up and start taking on adult responsibilities, as he does not want to go to a care facility having to worry about you guys.
He wants to know both of you are stable enough to take care of each other when he is gone.

At the very least, I would get a counselors opinion on the matter. There are so many ways to handle situations like this, and you want to do it in a way that will cause the least amount of emotional break downs.



Well, thats what I got. Sorry.

[jaxc]

WoW!

Thats quite a day you had. How are you feeling about everything?



When cancer is "officially" in remission, then that normally means that the spreading has stopped and is in fact reducing meaning the likelihood of it leading to death has been greatly reduced (My dad died of cancer sometime ago, so I kind of understand tho Im no expert here) To make a statement that he's in remission and now has about two years to live, well something doesn't quite add up for me.

Im going to ask a question here, please don't take offence:

Is it possible he's raised this now to simply get you on his side? You don't mention mom (sorry) but do any other family members know about his diagnosis? It would be really REALLY unusual if he's kept this only to himself and no one else knows. It would also make me kind of suspicious about the timing of his announcement. Especially as you indicated that your the main breadwinner in the household and pay the rent. If he moves out, how is he going to support himself?

Its a really tough call, and easy for me to call out as I don't know you, your dad or the whole situation.

Perhaps a talk to another family member (not sis) is called for in order to better understand the situation - Maybe an aunt/uncle/grandparent etc.

Good luck man.

ObW
x

no, he said he isn't ready yet to tell them, and I highly doubt he told me this just to garner symphony. Most likely it's because I'm the only person he can trust right now (very few reliable friends and also has relationship issues with his mother as well) plus he was never really the manipulative type for as long as I knew him, plus he is probably just going off the official diagnoses( plus he has been a smoker for most of his life, so it would make sense that he would eventually be diagnosed with some form of cancer, and it would also explain some other things like his marijuana use which he confessed to me years before but said that it was for stress related issues)

[jaxc]

Based on what you said, and there really was not a lot of background, but it seems your sister is the root cause of his anger situations.

Are both of you in school? Or do both of you have jobs?

I don't know the situation, but your father may feel like he's wasted all this time with your sister, so he's not willing to waste what little time he has left, dealing with her laziness and self-centered attitudes.

Along with the stages of grief and coming to terms with his condition, he is going to start thinking more and more of what his life has been, how he has raised you two, and how both of you are going to get along without him when he is gone. He may be worried to the point of depressive frustration, which can cause anger outbreaks. Not that he wants to get angry, but he does not know any other way in how to express what he is feeling.........especially since you are the only one who knows so far.

He may have wanted to shove your sister out in the cold, cruel world to "knock some sense" into her.
He may not be too worried about you, as you seem to be the stable minded one, he may see you as continuing on as a worthwhile adult. Your sister on the other-hand, seems to be going through her "Princess phase". Two years is NOT a lot of time to trying to be retraining someone to understand that things are going to get VERY difficult soon, especially a teenager or someone who is going through their "Princess phase".

I think that maybe you and your father should see a counselor that specializes with cancer patients.
If you do this, then the counselor can advise you on how to tell people....or the counselor can have a family session, where you or your father tells everyone what is going on.

The closer it gets to your fathers time where he will have to go into a care facility, the more worried he is going to get for you two. Yelling and screaming may have been a common thing in the past, to get someone to listen to you, but now it is a cry from your father to straighten up and start taking on adult responsibilities, as he does not want to go to a care facility having to worry about you guys.
He wants to know both of you are stable enough to take care of each other when he is gone.

At the very least, I would get a counselors opinion on the matter. There are so many ways to handle situations like this, and you want to do it in a way that will cause the least amount of emotional break downs.



Well, thats what I got. Sorry.

Well I really don't want to make my sister sound lazy and unmotivated,she is holding a job and still working through high school plus she does make it clear she want's to help out financially as much as possible. She mean's well but can be very difficult to deal with sometimes, plus she at least doe's sometimes help around the house( mostly sweeping and some laundry).My dad does *try* to do his best, but he is a slob and we did try taking him to a family counselor before but he was pretty unresponsive. I don't really wanna trash talk anybody, but I have to be honest and sometimes it just feels easier to call it quits, but I'm still going to try to show that I still care about and that will miss him when he's gone(assuming he doesn't get lucky) and I'm hoping to get a chance to have them at least apologies to each other before he's gone, just so she will know he is truly remorseful for treating her and everybody unfairly sometimes. thanks for the concern

[MisterTinkles]

I still think it would be nice to have at least one session with a family counselor who deals with cancer issues. Possibly your only/last chances to get things cleared up and out in the open before he goes on his way.

None of you should have any "what if's" running through your heads when it's past the "im sorry" phase. I think one session with a counselor might help things get settled a bit. But thats just my opinion.

[southbiochem]

*sigh*

Family gathering time..

sister, you, dad, grandma everyone needs to sit down and have a talk....

if you feel comfortable about it, reveal what you will

dad NEEDS to put this news out there for the family, then he needs to adress his anger management issues.

Sister needs to control her mouth and pitch in on helping the house..

sadly, this situation is very very fucked up...I'm sorry for you and your family..

but, if anything, this illness and the inevitable fate that it carries should be a focal point in bringing the family together and leaving aside all this fighting

2 years need to be spent with all of you in good terms..

all of you need to pour out your hearts..now is the time...

there is always love beneath the grudges and the bickering.

this situation is the chance to let it show..

may it go well for you, your family (to the extenxt possible given the situation)

family couseling sounds a good idea