01-27-2014, 06:55 AM
This will be my first time addressing this problem in a semi-public manner. It is hard to think about where to begin, so bear with me because unless you have a good chunk of time on your hands I'm not sure if you'll be able to get through this.
Anyways it started when I met her in middle school. We became best friends in the 7th grade and were very curious about drugs and experimenting independently in spite of what our parents said. We got very close in middle school and we got into a lot of trouble together. We had no knowledge whatsoever about street smarts and ended up being really abusive to our own bodies for drugs. We had our first sexual experience together in the most unromantic of ways. At a local mall we met a scummy, large black man who had us giving him head for ecstasy and weed. It happened a few times. Sometimes when we were together and sometimes when we were alone or with other friends. It was an awful, awful experience that I'm scarred by, but I've put it behind me and although we talked about it a few times it never really came up much. I learned a lot from those experiences. I left the middle school and went to Catholic high school and she went to public high school. We drifted apart as I was doing a little bit better for myself, but still smoking weed. I didn't even have the chance to skip class but she was almost never in school so she was continuing on her downward spiral and I was working my way back up. Eventually her parents sent her away to this recreational therapy outdoor camp for a few months and we lost contact although I had heard through the grape vine where she was at. She didn't treat me as a friend while we were in different schools, her crowd was a lot more ghetto than me so although I missed her a bunch I was still kind of bitter about the way that she had been acting and treating me. I was always really sensitive about the way she acted around me from then on because I felt abandoned by her. When she returned from camp we got really close again. She moved to another state and we drifted and went through the same cycle. She got sent to another therapeutic boarding school, this time for a year, and we lost contact but I never stopped thinking about her. She was on my mind a lot. I missed her. I wanted to be able to tell her about my day. I wanted to be able to connect with a person like I can connect with her. I wanted to be that close to someone again. Maybe that is why I missed her. Either way I was really hurt and felt abandoned, again. Every time I called her after she moved away she would only respond to me on her own terms. It seemed like whenever she needed me I dropped everything in the world just to talk to her but she was so selfish and her attention was either all-or-nothing. I should have stopped talking to her after this point but I became great friends with her brother and somehow stayed in contact through the grapevine. When she came home we started catching up. I told her how much I missed her. We were sending each other e-mails back and forth multiple times everyday. I finally had my friend back. I felt like I could connect with someone on that deep level again. I could tell her anything. She would be there for me if I wanted to talk. That was a comfort that I wanted to have all the time from her, but she was only willing to give that to me on her own terms. Our messages became more and more personal, somewhat romantic I guess. I honestly, at this point, can't believe that I trusted her and everything she said to me. She had me wrapped around her finger. And at this point I had never considered having romantic feelings for a girl. I didn't even think about her gender but I felt so passionately about her and wanting her around. I was confused. I've grown up being physically and emotionally attracted to boys but no one had ever made me feel the way that she could. I was way, way confused and all I had was negative experiences from the past few years and these fucking myspace messages. In one of our messages she brought up a mushroom trip we had together. Things got weird during that trip. I ate an enormous cap and it sent me into a different reality. I was out of it for at least an hour or so, completely in a different world, one of the few times I have had an out of body experience. My visuals involved us turning into items resembling the yellow pacman.. I was in another dimension and in my head, to get to the next dimension, everyone had to eat each other like in PacMan with the yellow balls. I don't know if that makes sense but anyways My friend wasn't tripping as hard as I was but when I came out of my trip I remember feeling sexual vibes from her. She told me I had told her to "eat me", and I guess she misinterpreted me. I hadn't at all seen our trip that way, and I didn't know she had felt that way at that point. She lived in another state and was visiting me when he had that trip. So soon after that trip, she got sent away for about a year and we hadn't discussed it until she got back.
Eventually we started to see each other again when she moved back into town. We would smoke weed like we always did and laugh and I could be myself around her it was so nice. I never thought of it in a romantic way until our relationship started to become really tight again. I would see her whenever I could. I remember the first day we kissed.
She came over and my parents weren't home. I kissed her. I felt sooooo elated like I was on top of the world and when my lips touched hers it was like sparks were sent through my body. I can't remember if she actually wanted it to happen but we ended up making out on my couch. From then on things were really physical. We had sex a lot. I had never had sex with a boy before, just had some experiences not involving penetration. and so she was the first person to make me orgasm. She made me feel things that I had never felt before. She had had sex with two guys before, but she said she didn't experience much pleasure from it. Our bodies worked really well together. I could feel an almost magnetic attraction towards her every time she came over. She would sleep over and we could cuddle and make love and talk. I think I was either falling in love or I had already fell in love with her. Being with a girl was so much softer and nicer than being with a guy. I could tell her anything. She knew exactly what I wanted and she brought me emotionally, physically, and sexually to places I didn't know I could go. She made me feel so good about myself. When she wanted to be there for me she was the best support system around.
I had tried my best to hide everything from my parents but fuck I don't know how they couldn't have known that we were having sex because we were almost walked in on like a million times and eventually my dad caught us kissing in my front yard. I asked him not to tell my mom. I bet that he did because my parents had a relationship built on solid trust. It didn't matter that much to me but my whole life I have been a tomboy, and so taking the identity of a lesbian was too much for me. And I started to hate my girlfriend for it. I hated that she made me feel so strongly about her. I hated that I didn't know if I was gay. I still fucking hate her for it. But I know that I regret saying and doing some things I did because I was trying to push her away because I didn't, and still don't want to be gay. I don't want everyone to be like, Oh I was right, "insert my name here" was gay all along. I knew it. That is not the pleasure I want to give people. It's my life anyways so why is it anyone else's business if she makes me happier than any guy ever has? Either way my parents were really good to her when she was basically living at my house and we were seeing each other. Her parents were not the best, and my parents were a great support system for her. I think that's another reason why she stuck around so much, because my parents were the parents she always wanted.
I graduated high school and I got into a four year and began to make plans to move away. We began to drift apart because I think she didn't want to not have someone there for her. I told her I didn't want her to hold me back from meeting the love of my life, I was hoping a guy. She was the love of my life. I was such an idiot. Either way we stayed in contact but I moved away. I kept everything with me, emotionally. I wanted to have the comfort of being able to talk to her still because I am so comfortable with her but whenever I wasn't there for her 100% to give attention to, she would give me 0 attention. Her borderline personality disorder revealed itself for the last time when she started seeing someone else after I moved away. It went from me having the most intense relationship of my life to losing my best friend in like a month. And to add to it, my mom was really sick. She had had lung cancer for three years and when I moved away, it got bad. Tumors appeared and surgeries were scheduled over New Years. My first semester was hard but she got really sick during my second semester and I lost her in April of that year. I wanted to talk to my ex-girlfriend/best friend. She was the only one who would understand the relationship I had with my mom from top to bottom because she witnessed our relationshp decay after I started using drugs in middle school. I wanted to talk to her. She was the only one I wanted to talk to about these things. And although my mom was so good to her she couldn't even give me the respect to talk to me. She had her boyfriend talk to me on the phone, the only contact we had had in months, and he said some awful things to me. That was the last time we talked. And that was it for me. I know I deserve so much more than what she can offer to me. I know that she is mentally unstable and that a lot of what I thought our relationship was probably was her using me for the comfort of my stable home and friendship. And today, three years later, I still can't get this girl off of my mind. Unfortunately I received the news that "accidently" forgot her birth control and is now pregnant with her boyfriend of less than a year's child. I'm glad I'm not involved with her anymore but I miss our relationship and the way she could make me feel. It has me wondering if a boy will ever be able to give that to me. Since her, I have had sex with three guys. It is enjoyable romantically and physically, but I have never emotionally felt the connection with any of them because I have never been as close to anyone as I have been to her. At this point I would never even think about wanting to talk to her to clear things up. I am just working with myself and dealing with depression and still mourning my Mom. I still don't have anyone I can really truly sit down and talk with and although I dont trust my ex-girlfriend/best friend I still know that I can tell her anything without any judgment and that makes me miss her. I have dreams about her that are very realistic. Sometimes I wake up looking for her hand to grab mine with but its not there. Watching drama TV shows with lesbian best friends arouses feelings deep in my heart that I haven't felt since her. I hope to stop having such intense feelings about her soon. It has been years since we've spoken. And everytime I remember how good it was I remember how bad of a friend she was to me when I was at my worst and needed her the most and that is what keeps me away, as far away emotionally as I can detach myself from those feelings.
I don't even know what advice I'm asking for but I know that I am having problems with categorizing my feelings for her. I hope that a boy will make me feel the way she did one day so that I can call myself straight and not have to deal with coming out of the closet ever. But I will never forget. Just learn from my situations. I miss you, E.
J
Anyways it started when I met her in middle school. We became best friends in the 7th grade and were very curious about drugs and experimenting independently in spite of what our parents said. We got very close in middle school and we got into a lot of trouble together. We had no knowledge whatsoever about street smarts and ended up being really abusive to our own bodies for drugs. We had our first sexual experience together in the most unromantic of ways. At a local mall we met a scummy, large black man who had us giving him head for ecstasy and weed. It happened a few times. Sometimes when we were together and sometimes when we were alone or with other friends. It was an awful, awful experience that I'm scarred by, but I've put it behind me and although we talked about it a few times it never really came up much. I learned a lot from those experiences. I left the middle school and went to Catholic high school and she went to public high school. We drifted apart as I was doing a little bit better for myself, but still smoking weed. I didn't even have the chance to skip class but she was almost never in school so she was continuing on her downward spiral and I was working my way back up. Eventually her parents sent her away to this recreational therapy outdoor camp for a few months and we lost contact although I had heard through the grape vine where she was at. She didn't treat me as a friend while we were in different schools, her crowd was a lot more ghetto than me so although I missed her a bunch I was still kind of bitter about the way that she had been acting and treating me. I was always really sensitive about the way she acted around me from then on because I felt abandoned by her. When she returned from camp we got really close again. She moved to another state and we drifted and went through the same cycle. She got sent to another therapeutic boarding school, this time for a year, and we lost contact but I never stopped thinking about her. She was on my mind a lot. I missed her. I wanted to be able to tell her about my day. I wanted to be able to connect with a person like I can connect with her. I wanted to be that close to someone again. Maybe that is why I missed her. Either way I was really hurt and felt abandoned, again. Every time I called her after she moved away she would only respond to me on her own terms. It seemed like whenever she needed me I dropped everything in the world just to talk to her but she was so selfish and her attention was either all-or-nothing. I should have stopped talking to her after this point but I became great friends with her brother and somehow stayed in contact through the grapevine. When she came home we started catching up. I told her how much I missed her. We were sending each other e-mails back and forth multiple times everyday. I finally had my friend back. I felt like I could connect with someone on that deep level again. I could tell her anything. She would be there for me if I wanted to talk. That was a comfort that I wanted to have all the time from her, but she was only willing to give that to me on her own terms. Our messages became more and more personal, somewhat romantic I guess. I honestly, at this point, can't believe that I trusted her and everything she said to me. She had me wrapped around her finger. And at this point I had never considered having romantic feelings for a girl. I didn't even think about her gender but I felt so passionately about her and wanting her around. I was confused. I've grown up being physically and emotionally attracted to boys but no one had ever made me feel the way that she could. I was way, way confused and all I had was negative experiences from the past few years and these fucking myspace messages. In one of our messages she brought up a mushroom trip we had together. Things got weird during that trip. I ate an enormous cap and it sent me into a different reality. I was out of it for at least an hour or so, completely in a different world, one of the few times I have had an out of body experience. My visuals involved us turning into items resembling the yellow pacman.. I was in another dimension and in my head, to get to the next dimension, everyone had to eat each other like in PacMan with the yellow balls. I don't know if that makes sense but anyways My friend wasn't tripping as hard as I was but when I came out of my trip I remember feeling sexual vibes from her. She told me I had told her to "eat me", and I guess she misinterpreted me. I hadn't at all seen our trip that way, and I didn't know she had felt that way at that point. She lived in another state and was visiting me when he had that trip. So soon after that trip, she got sent away for about a year and we hadn't discussed it until she got back.
Eventually we started to see each other again when she moved back into town. We would smoke weed like we always did and laugh and I could be myself around her it was so nice. I never thought of it in a romantic way until our relationship started to become really tight again. I would see her whenever I could. I remember the first day we kissed.
She came over and my parents weren't home. I kissed her. I felt sooooo elated like I was on top of the world and when my lips touched hers it was like sparks were sent through my body. I can't remember if she actually wanted it to happen but we ended up making out on my couch. From then on things were really physical. We had sex a lot. I had never had sex with a boy before, just had some experiences not involving penetration. and so she was the first person to make me orgasm. She made me feel things that I had never felt before. She had had sex with two guys before, but she said she didn't experience much pleasure from it. Our bodies worked really well together. I could feel an almost magnetic attraction towards her every time she came over. She would sleep over and we could cuddle and make love and talk. I think I was either falling in love or I had already fell in love with her. Being with a girl was so much softer and nicer than being with a guy. I could tell her anything. She knew exactly what I wanted and she brought me emotionally, physically, and sexually to places I didn't know I could go. She made me feel so good about myself. When she wanted to be there for me she was the best support system around.
I had tried my best to hide everything from my parents but fuck I don't know how they couldn't have known that we were having sex because we were almost walked in on like a million times and eventually my dad caught us kissing in my front yard. I asked him not to tell my mom. I bet that he did because my parents had a relationship built on solid trust. It didn't matter that much to me but my whole life I have been a tomboy, and so taking the identity of a lesbian was too much for me. And I started to hate my girlfriend for it. I hated that she made me feel so strongly about her. I hated that I didn't know if I was gay. I still fucking hate her for it. But I know that I regret saying and doing some things I did because I was trying to push her away because I didn't, and still don't want to be gay. I don't want everyone to be like, Oh I was right, "insert my name here" was gay all along. I knew it. That is not the pleasure I want to give people. It's my life anyways so why is it anyone else's business if she makes me happier than any guy ever has? Either way my parents were really good to her when she was basically living at my house and we were seeing each other. Her parents were not the best, and my parents were a great support system for her. I think that's another reason why she stuck around so much, because my parents were the parents she always wanted.
I graduated high school and I got into a four year and began to make plans to move away. We began to drift apart because I think she didn't want to not have someone there for her. I told her I didn't want her to hold me back from meeting the love of my life, I was hoping a guy. She was the love of my life. I was such an idiot. Either way we stayed in contact but I moved away. I kept everything with me, emotionally. I wanted to have the comfort of being able to talk to her still because I am so comfortable with her but whenever I wasn't there for her 100% to give attention to, she would give me 0 attention. Her borderline personality disorder revealed itself for the last time when she started seeing someone else after I moved away. It went from me having the most intense relationship of my life to losing my best friend in like a month. And to add to it, my mom was really sick. She had had lung cancer for three years and when I moved away, it got bad. Tumors appeared and surgeries were scheduled over New Years. My first semester was hard but she got really sick during my second semester and I lost her in April of that year. I wanted to talk to my ex-girlfriend/best friend. She was the only one who would understand the relationship I had with my mom from top to bottom because she witnessed our relationshp decay after I started using drugs in middle school. I wanted to talk to her. She was the only one I wanted to talk to about these things. And although my mom was so good to her she couldn't even give me the respect to talk to me. She had her boyfriend talk to me on the phone, the only contact we had had in months, and he said some awful things to me. That was the last time we talked. And that was it for me. I know I deserve so much more than what she can offer to me. I know that she is mentally unstable and that a lot of what I thought our relationship was probably was her using me for the comfort of my stable home and friendship. And today, three years later, I still can't get this girl off of my mind. Unfortunately I received the news that "accidently" forgot her birth control and is now pregnant with her boyfriend of less than a year's child. I'm glad I'm not involved with her anymore but I miss our relationship and the way she could make me feel. It has me wondering if a boy will ever be able to give that to me. Since her, I have had sex with three guys. It is enjoyable romantically and physically, but I have never emotionally felt the connection with any of them because I have never been as close to anyone as I have been to her. At this point I would never even think about wanting to talk to her to clear things up. I am just working with myself and dealing with depression and still mourning my Mom. I still don't have anyone I can really truly sit down and talk with and although I dont trust my ex-girlfriend/best friend I still know that I can tell her anything without any judgment and that makes me miss her. I have dreams about her that are very realistic. Sometimes I wake up looking for her hand to grab mine with but its not there. Watching drama TV shows with lesbian best friends arouses feelings deep in my heart that I haven't felt since her. I hope to stop having such intense feelings about her soon. It has been years since we've spoken. And everytime I remember how good it was I remember how bad of a friend she was to me when I was at my worst and needed her the most and that is what keeps me away, as far away emotionally as I can detach myself from those feelings.
I don't even know what advice I'm asking for but I know that I am having problems with categorizing my feelings for her. I hope that a boy will make me feel the way she did one day so that I can call myself straight and not have to deal with coming out of the closet ever. But I will never forget. Just learn from my situations. I miss you, E.
J
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