How do I know if I'm gay or bi???

[Billington]

Hi guys. I’m new to this site, but I’ve read a huge quantity of the previous threads etc. before… and I must say you all seem like really nice, quality people.

I’ve noticed that most of the “coming out” stuff on this site seems to be about telling people that you are gay… not about knowing whether you are gay or not in the first place. My problem is not telling people I’m gay. I’m actually a very open person, and all my friends already know about my conundrum! It’s more a case of knowing inside whether or not I am gay.

Just to give you a bit of background: I’ve just finished my first year at uni, and although I’ve listed myself as single on this site, I’m just finishing the third year of a long term relationship with my girlfriend. She does not go to the same uni as me, and this year has been OK, although it is beginning to feel (to me) like a bit of a convenient relationship in the sense that I don’t see her very often, and we don’t really talk a huge amount in between.
Up to a few months ago I was fairly happy with how things were, believing that I was totally straight.

I’ve always been very playful with all my (straight) friends, pretending to be gay with them in what I always thought was a jest full, almost macho, way. Because my friends at home were so used to it, I didn’t think otherwise. However, coming to uni and immediately fitting in with a fantastic new bunch of friends, who began to question why I behaved like that, has made me question it myself. They were actually so convinced that I am gay, that they told me I was!!! (Like I said, we’re an open bunch!) This triggered a process that culminated in recent months with me being 100% sure I’m either gay or bi.

Now, as a scientific, rational person, I like to question things. What I really need to discover is whether or not I am actually gay… or whether I’m just placing myself within a “gay role” in the group because I enjoy it. (Sorry about that… I’m studying medicine, and hence I’m thinking a little too deep and psychological about this!)

So, I come to my main question:

How does one know if one is gay or bi? This is the most important question, because ultimately it will determine whether or not I break it off with my girlfriend!

Also…. Surely I’m far too old to question my sexuality!! Isn’t that totally a pubescent teenager kinda thing? What I mean by that is… surely I would have known all along? Aren’t gay people supposed to feel “different” from a really young age?

[Dan1089]

:confused: Jeebus Crust,don't know how to answer your difficult qs Billy!I've always known that I was "different" from a young age,as you said.What makes me bisexual?Hmm....I've always been been attracted,sexually to both sexes.Are you sexually drawn to any men?Have you had any sexual experiences with members of the male persuasion.Very interesting question though : am I bi just because I find Chace Crawford hot?

[Billington]

Hmmm... I dont think I was very clear in my first post..... Im very much attracted to men. In fact.... at the moment, pretty much all my personal fantasies are about men. I once read that a good test to see if you're gay is to work out which sex you think about when you err.... sort yourself out down there. lol. For me that's definitely men.
Thing is, that's only really when I'm on my own. When I'm with my girlfriend Im very much into her. It's just a little confusing!!!

As for sexual experiences.... hmm, there was once ages ago when I was drunk at a party and I went off with another bloke and we jacked each other off. hmmm... I always just assumed it was coz i was drunk.... but now I think back on it, I find it quite arousing :-p

Hmm.... Chase Crawford? Nah... im not sure about the long floppy hair.

[Dan1089]

Like I said before Billy,I'm also clueless when it comes to dilemmas of this sort as I'm still trying to find what is this "bi" thing is about really.Worry not though,there are other very experienced members that will give you good,useful advice.Ed Westwick then?

[marshlander]

Hi, Billington, and welcome to the site. I hope you stick around and join in the discussions.

Working backwards through your message the answer is no, not always! The signs can be there all the time, but sometimes one just doesn't see them or chooses not to pay attention. I managed to get through my first four decades before I was finally forced to confront my real sexual identity. Mother Nature has her ways of making us listen. Nineteen is definitely not too late to come out. Many people begin to deal with such questions when they move away from home and have to learn to deal with new situations and people at university and nineteen is a very good age for that. Sure, some people seem to know from a very early age. Some don't.

I'm a musician and I felt that coming out to myself (the first person we have to deal with) happened when a series of different events coincided. I felt it was like a curtain being raised and the lights gradually illuminating a darkened stage. I began to feel, omg, is this me? Unfortunately, by that time I had accumulated wife, family and all the other stuff that goes with middle age. That meant that I had a lot of things to think about and a lot of decisions to make. Part of the process for me was a mental revisitation to everything that had happened in life up to that point and I had to reappraise what was really going on. In a way, that was good because I had spent most of my life quite confused about why I thought, felt and behaved in certain ways. Being able to admit to myself that I was gay answered most of those questions.

Most straight people don't seem to get what being gay is about at all. They can't get past what they think we get up to in the bedroom. In actual fact, most of what we do is often done or simulated by straight couples too and no one complains about that Being gay is much more than being a man who has sex with men. I think it is having a capacity to love and be loved by other men. It is finding other men generally more attractive and arousing than women. It is enjoying fantasising about men. Being gay engages the body, the mind and the spirit. It is not about behaving in an effeminate way, although we all know men who do, some of whom are gay. Most of the gay men I know do not exhibit stereotypically extravagant behaviour.

For me, life just made a lot more sense when I was able to say to myself, "I am a gay man". It was what had to happen as a result of that realisation that was most difficult.

Coming back to your beautifully expressed situation, only you can decide for sure whether you are gay, bi, straight or whatever. Bear in mind though, that it is okay to love the person rather than just their sex

[Shadow]

Beautifully put Marshlander mile:.

To add my two penneth to the quality advice you have already received from my mates, I would say that there are (broadly-speaking) two ways you can assess this ... and I already know which one you're going to go for ...

You can look it on a practical, pragmatic, analytical, black-and-white level, AND/or you can look at it on a more ethereal, spiritual and sensual level.

You've given me enough tells in your two posts to lead me to think you'll adopt the analytical approach, but I'll present you with both to see what you think.

Approach 1 :- The Analytical & Practical Approach

If you're looking at trying to classify yourself into a sexual bracket using a purely logical, analytical and practical approach, you should start by establishing in your mind what the parameters of each sexual bracket are.

For ME, it breaks down as :-

Heterosexuals only engage in sexual intercourse with members of the Opposite Sex;
Bisexuals engage in sexual intercourse with both sexes; and
Homosexuals only engage in sexual intercourse with members of the Same Sex as themselves.

It is a commonly appreciated and understood thing that the "Sexual Scale" for want of a better word is not as simple as the above, and people are not either 100% straight, 100% gay or 100% bisexual. There are a BAZILLION shades of gray, from people that fantasise about engaging in sexual intercourse with one gender, but focus their physical attentions in the real world on another, and so on and so forth, but if you're looking for a classification, it's a good place to start, so ...

Would you engage in sexual intercourse with a member of the opposite sex ? *Answer - Yeah I have a girlfriend* <<< Checkmark, so to me you're either Heterosexual or Bisexual

Would you engage in sexual intercourse with a member of the same sex as you ? *Answer - I've been having sexual FANTASIES about engaging in sexual intercourse with members of the same sex as me, but I've not taken that step as yet - I fooled around with a mate and it DID appeal to me though* <<< Partial Checkmark, as to me you've yet to establish in your own mind whether you really ENJOY it, but you're really enjoying THINKING about it ...

... if I had to give you a label (and PLEASE bear in mind I HATE doing this), I'd say you were bi-curious. You've yet to engage in full-blown sexual intercourse with a member of the same sex (although Marshlander is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT when he says (and I quote :-))

it is okay to love the person rather than just their sex

Insofar as there is more to any sexual group than just HAVING sex ... yet you are strongly dabbling in your mind with the idea - whether that's to get it out of your system or to embrace it as a part of you and your character, who knows ...

Approach 2 :- The Spiritual and Emotional Approach

Analysis of your sexuality using this approach is, to me, more about meditation, reflection, dreams and aspirations ... we know that you have sexual fantasies about men, but do you ever dream about being with a man ? Waking up with his arms around you ? Have you ever daydreamed about what it would be like to have your boyfriend come home as you've just finished lighting a candle on the dining room table ? How would you feel about knowing that you had the beautiful warmth of his companionship for the rest of your days ? These kinda questions ...

... they are questions of the heart, and incredibly personal, but can help you get a sense of where your soul is centred (if that makes sense), and what is important to you emotionally and spiritually, rather than on a more physical basis.

Most people adopt a combination of the two, but they are definitely separable in my eyes ...

Anyhow - I've rambled enough.

There IS, however, one thing that I would STRONGLY urge you to consider, and that is this ...

If you do decide that you want to engage in sexual intercourse with another man/men to ascertain whether you're bisexual ? Then I would strongly suggest you do not do it behind your girlfriend's back. The ramifications of that could easily be VERY bad, and it is definitely NOT the right thing to do.

... as if I'm the arbiter of the right thing to do ... .

Welcome to the gang kiddo - it's good to have you on board xx.

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[princealbertofb]

It sounds, to me, as if you are no longer getting out of the relationship you have with your girlfriend what you want out of life and a relationship. It seems that you would really need to discuss this matter with her. Have you noticed that you were growing apart? Or were things always distended and loose that way? It certainly doesn't sound very closeknit... Why does (did) your girlfriend accept such a relationship? Are you sure she is 'faithful' to you? Are you ready to be faithful to her? Are you ready to have an open relationship with her, like the ones some gay couples seem to have? (women are less likely to accept these, I assume).

[fjp999]

I find Chace Crawford hot?

Ed Westwick then?

For the longest time I always thought humans were born bi and somewhere/somehow a choice was made (or NOT = bi).

I thought biologically men would be more bi since we all start as women and other bits are soon added for a male. So very early on males have know both sexualities. Maybe men are more bisexual. There are certainly a ton of "gay for pay" actors out there and a lot of men seem to enjoy just about any hole???

The sexy beast that Dan is and a seemingly true bi is very exceptional to me

In elementary school I remember one year having a serious crush on a fellow female student and a fellow male student - pretty equally.

The next year it was ALL male. How did that happen?



Uni certainly the time to experiment. Even knowing that I was gay as a door knob I still had a relationship with a couple women. I could have married one and been happy - maybe looked but I would have given up men for her (I believe)???

I personally wouldnt worry about labeling yourself and just go with the flow and see where you end up. Seems that the gf is becoming less of your story and you less in her story. Maybe time for a talk and see if it isnt better to give it a break or an end???

p.s. Welcome to the site.

[Billington]

Wow!! Thank you all very much for some very thought-provoking advice.

For Albert..... yeah, you're quite right, I'm aware that the relationship has not been one of passion and fireworks, but it is what I know, my safety blanket, something stable that for three years Iv been able to fall back on. We've been v faithful to each other, and as a traditionalist, I would not consider doing anything behind her back.

Now... Marshlander and Shadow...
You were quite right Shadow... I do favour your "analytical" approach. However, I would suggest that maybe you can be gay/bi without actually partaking in sexual relations with the same sex. This would work in the same way as a heterosexual virgin knowing they are heterosexual before having actualy had heterosexual sex.

I find your other "method" very similar to the advice marshlander gave:
Loving the person and not the sex. However, I feel I need to question it, as surely that removes the sex from sexuality? What I mean is that, yes, I could have a partner return home to lit candles and a nice meal. But that person being a specific sex isnt a prerequisit to sharing a moment like that. Surely the reason why you wants one over the other is mostly a physical thing, as emotional attachment does not have to involve sex.

Is it possible that we are at different stages in our lives? I think that at the moment, sex is one of the more important aspects of a relationship... whereas for you guys, I imagine it becomes a bit more of a companionship thing.

I quite like your suggestion, FJP, in that all men have the potential to be bi, (maybe in the sense that they could harbour emotional attachment to either sex) but actually choose which sex they prefer physically.


PS: I dont want you all to think I've challenged your advice... it has been hugely useful to see things from a different angle.

x

[princealbertofb]

The fact is you still haven't found that special person, though, the one that makes you wake up and think: WOW S/He's marvellous, I just love HER/HIM to bits... and that may happen yet. It's just that you have to be open to the fact that this person might be of the same sex as you. Obviously, you wouldn't mind so much, now that you've thought about it. Or would you?