This is bothering me and I don't know why.

[Anonymous]

So my BF has a hobby that is different than most. He collects vacuums. And some of these vacuums can be expensive. And recently he has been talking to other collectors about buying vacuums and vacuum parts from them without consulting me first. My BF and I live together and he is on disability due to a condition he has so I am the only one working a steady job. So I get a message from one of these other collectors tonight saying that my BF had told him he wanted me to buy him a vacuum for valentines day. And the guy wants $200 for the thing. We really don't have that kind of money right now and it's bothering me a little that he's asking these people about buying this stuff and making deals "behind my back." I want to say something to him about it but I don't know how to say it without sounding bitchy or overbearing.

[Woollyhats]

That's an unusual hobby.

Seems like you know why it bothers you --- you ain't got that kind of money!! If you're living together and it's generally accepted that you're good at this kind of thing, perhaps you can create a budget for yourselves?

[Lilitu]

I'm laughing as I'm writing this sorrynotsorry
xP

I get how hobbies can be very important to someone, but I think that he probably will be able to understand if you just talk the right way to him.

Don't say things that will belittle him - don't talk about you being the only person who works. Don't make it any way anybody's fault that you can't buyt the... vacuum cleaner.

Don't say "I/we can't afford it".

I would try to ask him first about money in general: make it a conversation about your financial situation and try to be as gentle as possible. Bring up his vacuum habit as a part of that. Tell him that you think it might be better if you guys shared all financial transactions etc.


I'm sure he's a mature enough person not be act out about not getting a vacuum.

[MisterTinkles]

Wow........sounds like my kind of collector!!! LOL

This is something you need to sit him down and talk seriously about.

If you both have separate bank accounts, then there is probably not much you can do.

If you have a joint account, then he needs to stop. In fact, if you do have joint accounts, then you need to stop that and get separate ones.

Collectors can get very "blinded" when they want something bad enough. Money is NO object. I know, I have been there.

Sit him down and talk to him.


Also, I would like to know where he finds these vacuum collectors.
I have an old vacuum I have been wanting to sell for a long time, but I have not been able to get any response from the emails I have sent to the few vacuum collector websites I have found.

[East]

Money problems are one of the biggest in most any relationship and the best cure is to communicate openly and honestly so resentments and anger don't build up and explode.

Talk to him and say basically the same thing you said here.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Maybe he's trying to clean out your bank account:biggrin:

Or hoover up your savings

Vacuum cleaner for Valentines? For real?

Are you sure its not a coded message for something a little more romantic?

Ive watched Hoarders on cable before now, so get it. Just how serious has the vacuum collecting gotten? How many does he have?

I feel an "Unusual Hobby" thread coming on.

ObW
x

[Evan88]

Yeah that's unusual...but

I think when you discuss this with him, start with an affirmative statement, like you respect and accept this kind of hobby that he has... And that you are not really against it if it would make him happy given that there are lots of money to spend...

Then tell your side, that however, it is not the situtation right now since you have other priorities and obligations to spend the money with. I guess it would be good as long as you discuss it in a calm and non judgmental way so he won't get offended...

All the best!

[southbiochem]

You won't be sounding bitchy or overbaring if you sit him down and adress the issue calmly

make an excel document with all of the monthly expenses and the money left after all the expenses..

numbers don't lie

you'll be practical: "Sweetie, thi is how much money we have, see for yourself"

simple and effective..

he will be pissed, maybe hurt but reality is money is needed for a lot of important things..

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Hmm.

Since he is on a limited budget here, and you apparently refuse to pull down the big bucks and keep him in the lifestyle he needs to become accustomed to... (you need to become a CEO of a large corporation) perhaps its time to sit down and plan a budget for everything.

You two pool your resources to pay rent/mortgage, bills, food, insurance, blah blah blah - perhaps you can approach this as 'Its a new year and I think we need to really buckle down and see where we can save money.' Sorta a new years resolution thing.

The aim here is not to take away his collecting, but to manage your resources to pay for essentials and see what it is exactly there is left over to pursue this hobby.

Gather together all of the bills and whatnot, and set about budgeting for all of that, and see how much is left over for 'luxury' items. like um, vacuum cleaners, vacations, trips, etc.

If you can reach an agreement on allotting X amount per month for his hobby, he may adapt to having a real budget to work with, and save that allotted amount toward larger purchases.

I have no idea how much time you personally have, but perhaps if you take up the interest a little bit and research the subject WITH him, you may find that he has a few gems he can sell or trade up with.

I personally never got the whole 'collecting crap' that isn't used for something. I have a lot of tools, but I use them. I don't have a hundred hammers that ain't used as hammers just to 'have' them. So I can't relate to the collector's motivation here.

I tried a Google search for 'effective collecting' and got back a lot of hits for collecting calling.... So it may be a little more work than a quick web search to find sites that deal with collecting for collections in an effective manner.

There used to be a show about comic books and toys where a person would come in and help sort through massive amounts of garbage - erm, I mean collectables, and help the collector streamline their inventory and actually build up a collection over just buying crap to have it (hoarding?). Perhaps your BF's hobby isn't more along the lines of hoarding instead of collecting and can be streamlines?

One thing about collecting antiques, old stuff, and collectors items is that it IS a way to invest in the future. I find it difficult to believe that the lunch pail I had as a kid now sells for thousands of dollars - but this is how it works, and if I was more careful with my crap as a kid I would have a lunch pail I could sell for several thousand dollars today.... So there is a monetary 'value' and future here.

So today it may look like a waste of money, if done properly this isn't so much a waste as an investment that has potential to pay off big time in the long term.

[CellarDweller]

Bottom line is this is causing you stress, and financial worries.

Tell him point blank that as a couple, you don't have the funds to spend on this.