In the intro forum I told y'all I'm a writer. I have a book I'm working on and want to make sure I get the feelings right. Does any one have any experience with deciding that it is okay to let yourself feel attraction to men?
I have a businessman, with a somewhat abusive, not terribly tolerant family that he is rather dependent upon emotionally. He's always known he was attracted to men, but has covered it for years by being promiscuous with women. While traveling he met a young man who he clicked with and explored that side of himself. Then he had to return home, wants to call the man, but doesn't want to be gay. As a result he gets himself into trouble with heavy drinking trying to avoid the feels.
Does this sound right? My ex was practically at war with himself over what he wanted and what he could live with. I need the conflict because its a romance and the course of true love doesn't run smooth, but I want it to be as realistic as I can make it. Any tips or info will be fawned upon.
Ps. they live happily ever after. 
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It's plausible. Remember, we're as different from one another as we are from straight men, so really if you're thinking along the lines of "what is a human reaction" you're on the right track.
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First of all, it's great that you're going for a more realistic story. A lot of gay romances (or romances in general) offer COMPLETELY idealized versions of reality. Either that or there's some sort of obstacle that is quickly overcome, never to appear again.
I personally never went through a process of accepting myself (I never really did anything but to begin with), although most gay people I know did. A lot of them actually became sexually active BEFORE they had accepted their own sexuality as okay, which obviously caused a lot of guilt. Imagine having sex for the first time, which in many parts of the world has a shameful undertone as it is, but having a kind of sex that is condemned by large chunks of society as an abomination; that constituted eternal suffering in a holy book and that has been blamed for the spread of AIDS in the 80's.
Depending on where your character comes from and the circumstances where he grew up, the process of accepting his own sexuality will either be easy (if he's lucky), difficult but manageable (if he comes from an average background) or nightmarish. Maybe even impossible.
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nfisher1226 Wrote:we're as different from one another as we are from straight men. You're the first person I've heard in years using that word correctly, i.e. "different from" as opposed to "different than" - just a pet peeve of mine.
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It's very plausible. I have a lot of religious friends where I live who struggle(d) with the notion that they were eternally damned. The person I'm referencing here suffered several break ups. He has a sickeningly perfect and supportive boyfriend though, and they ended up back together each time and he's out to his friends and mother now. I suspect they will stay together for the natural course of their lives.
Some people who are gay will marry into straight relationships. With something that extreme to go on, your conflict seems both realistic and not even that huge.
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Thanks for the quick responses and the warm welcome.
I did some research and found how awful many of these romances are. This just convinced me that this is what I want to be doing right now. There are markets that pay better, but this feels very fulfilling. I want to be as realistic as possible in as much as all my stories have happy endings, which isn't very realistic.
I'm working it through slowly with these two. One is comfortable in his own skin, the other has always hidden behind a smoke screen. I am trying for reality because I think its important for men who read this who are not yet out, or even honest with themselves. Our societies make it so much harder than it should be. 
As a bi female who had no coming out issues I thought it best to check in to make sure. Thanks again for the responses. I really appreciate it.
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Rainbow,
I didn't reply (to you) earlier thinking that my experience was too different, but like nfisher pointed out, we ALL have unique experiences. And I'm thinking maybe it would be helpful for you to see a variety of different paths.
Unlike your businessman, I didn't always know that I was attracted to men, My first sexual encounter was with a man, but I didn't even know why I did it. I wasn't attracted to him, didn't like him, didn't enjoy it, and didn't want to see him again. Shortly after that, I became sexually active with women, and I knew I wasn't gay, but I was somewhat intrigued with the notion that I might be bi - there again different from your businessman, I didn't feel any need to conform to societal norms, nor any moral uneasiness.
My girlfriend and I had an open relationship, so I talked with her about the possibility that I was bi, she encouraged me, and eventually I had an encounter with another man. That time it was great. All the same, I knew I preferred women, so it didn't happen again for several years. After a few years though I established a pattern of occasionally stopping into a gay bar, and picking up somebody. Actually, once or twice I picked up a woman in a gay bar, and that was all the same to me. But for some reason, during this period, it didn't even occur to me that I was bi, since I knew I had a definite preference for women. To me it was just something I did once in a while, and enjoyed tremendously.
When I heard about HIV, I said "Okay, it's been fun, but no more." I thought I could turn my back on it, and "be heterosexual" just like that. Since I didn't think of myself as bi, I didn't expect it to be a problem. I went for many years, a couple of marriages, and countless flings with ladies, but my "other side" never went away. It became stronger and stronger, until a few years ago, it broke. I was splitting up with a woman I had been seeing for several months, and I knew I just had to finally do it. I had to have a man. Since then there has been some back and forth, some up and down, but one thing is certain. I am definitely bi! So while I don't think my difficulty in finally admitting it was along the same vein as your guy, it did take many years.
Hope this has been some help.
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Oh he seriously needs to sort of out himself one day while drunk
conflict right there
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Different individuals have different experiences. For example, I was so in the closet I thought my lack of attraction to women meant I was a natural celibate person. That lead me down some interesting roads.
When I met the right guys, while I agonized for about 6 months about 'coming out' it was not needing proof I was gay, it was more or less how am I going to deal with the mess that will be once everyone I know suddenly learns this 'horrible truth'.
Others just naturally grow into being gay. My Ex just up and decided to say 'I'm gay' and his family said 'We know.' and that was that - no horror, no anxiety, no long prolonged agony of coming to grips with his reality, no wavering back and forth on issue, no 'I'm bi' phase before 100% homosexuality.
So this whole process can be pretty much anything largely due to the environment the person was raised in, and partially due the desires/wants of that person.
Is your story reasonable on the surface, sure. I most likely met this guy once (if not often) through the years.
However this story is cliche, Gay man struggles with his homosexuality, turns to sex/drugs/rock and role, finds Mr. Almost Perfect, falls in love, everything in his little world chances, he reaches acceptance of self... blah blah blah....
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RainbowMuse Wrote:all my stories have happy endings, which isn't very realistic..
Well it is realistic for any particular story to have a happy ending. You probably have plenty of stories, but you're only telling the ones that have happy endings.
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