Im not mentally stable

[wonderland23]

So much has happen in this shitstorm that has been my life for the past couple months.
I'm tired of not having a support system. I want to be in a relationship with a boy. I realize how unhealthy it is to be dependent on others for happiness, but I just feel like I'm tired of being alone. I want to be in a romantic relationship with someone who can convince me that there's nothing wrong with being gay.

I'm in the closet and home-schooled. It is fucking hard to meet guys much less be in a relationship with one. Please help me, someone. Cause I am on the brink of just ending it all, and I don't mean to seem dramatic, I'm just tired of feeling so alone! I wish I could put into words the amount of frustration and anger I feel on a daily basis, and it all seems to be adding up and compiling rather quickly. God I just want these feelings to end.

[southbiochem]

You are not alone in this whole being alone business.

I understand very well how you feel

first of all, GS will be your support system if you let it.

Also, you are quite young still, but not far away from college, which is a fantastic place to meet new people and even come out if you will, college folks are usually very open minded.

Study the possibility in a city that's more LGBT friendly, like Dallas, if you can or if it's within your reach, the North East or Cali..

don't be desperate just yet, you just need to endure not too much until you can move from fom to study and then you'll have more freedom to go for what you want, including getting a BF

[marshlander]

Hi wonderland23,

I am very sorry to hear about the state of things in your life at the moment. It's probably a good thing you have found this site. There are lots of decent people here and most of them far closer to your age than I am.

Home schooled and in the closet ... a tough combination. I understand that many parents in the USA educate their children at home because they feel they can control better the ideas to which their children can be exposed. I hope you are not from one of these cultish religious groups that seem to think this is a humane way to bring up children? In the UK what we call "education otherwise" tends to be for a broader range of reasons.

I'm going to make a leap in the dark and probably get it all wrong, but if you know you are gay and you are in the closet, I guess that is because family approval is unlikely to be forthcoming? If that is the case I shall make another guess and say that religious belief is probably in this picture somewhere? If that is the case, you may have been getting messages that there is something wrong with "you"? There's nothing wrong, apart from what others have done to you. Same-sex behaviour has been observed in over 450 species of animals. That is probably just the beginning and the list will grow. Even so that all sounds pretty "natural" to me.

It sounds like you need friends, real friends, the kind of friends who will be there when you need to rant and let off steam. Being seventeen can be unsettling for many people even with a supportive family.

I hope you don't get so low that you become another statistic. You may be in for some tough times if what I have said is anywhere near the truth. If you can, and when the time comes, try and take up the next phase of your education in a normal college, rather than one decided for you by your parents on the basis of a particular philosophical point of view. You owe it to yourself to find what the real world is about and I am sure it would be lovely for the rest of the world to have a chance to meet a special young man.

It sounds very trite to say it, but it is very likely that things will eventually go your way.

Big hugs and good luck to you.

[MisterTinkles]

Home schooled or public schooled, its all the same. This is a phase of growing up....going from child to adult. You are not alone in feeling it, or going through it, even though it does feel like that.

You have to work your way through it, keep your brain busy doing other things until you get out of this phase.

Are you able to get a part time job, volunteer, or anything like that? Something to keep you busy, busy, busy.

I wish Hank was on here more often. I think Hank and Jovial could help you with those feelings.
They have fought those feelings and found ways to deal with them. Hank finally came out on top of it. Jovial is still fighting, and doing a REALLY good job of it!!! He gets 10 gold stars for punching his demons in the face!!!!!

Unfortunately it is a part of growing up, but some of us take it more seriously than others, and we get depressed by it. You just have to find a way to fight it, because it wont last forever.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Well, first things first.

to the forum

We are very international here, so anytime of day or night you need to reach out to any of us, just shout out either in the chat room, or open a discussion thread. Its always daylight somewhere in the world, and there are always a few people around.

You now have an outlet for all those frustrated feelings and anger that have been building up. If you can't speak it out loud, then put it into words here. Your not alone, and there are plenty of people on here who will respond to anything you post, no matter how mundane, stupid or embarrassing it seems to you, just ask away.

We don't bite.

Well most of us don't, your find out soon enough who does :biggrin:

Stay around for a while, I guarantee you'll like us



ObW
X

PS I see from your profile that you list making YouTube videos as something you do. We have a thread for that, as quite a few members also have their own YouTube channels, so if you feel like sharing, don't be shy

[partis]

Hi wonderland welcome to gs and I'll hope you'll stick around and take advice from people and dont be shy, you'll find many have similiar problems to yourself.

[Dreamer]

What your going through will pass, but ending your life is forever.


Most gay men have gone through the same exact feelings you are experiencing right now, including myself when I was younger.


You're only 17. You have your whole life ahead of you!


If you have the means to seek therapy with a professional, I recommend you do so to get some help.


If not, keep posting here, and continue receiving great advice from the lovely people here.


All I know is that suicide is never the answer! It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem!

Call the TREVOR PROJECT AT 1-866-488-7386
[COLOR="Orange"]
They're an amazing, confidential 24/7 hotline for gay teens going through the same shit your experiencing right now. CALL THEM!!! Especially, if you start to feel suicidal![/COLOR]


Besides that, seek out your nearest Gay Community Center to attend youth groups, where you can make new gay friends, and yes, (if it's that important to you) even begin a relationship with another young man to fulfill your temporary void. That's what I did when I first came out the closet.

CLICK THIS LINK TO VIEW YOUR CLOSEST GAY COMMUNITY CENTER
IF THEY'RE TOO FAR AWAY, CALL THEM ANYWAYS TO TALK TO SOMEONE FOR SUPPORT AND ADVICE, PLUS THEY MAY KNOW OF OTHER GROUPS OR PROGRAMS NEARBY THAT CAN HELP YOU.

Keep your head up, and let us know how you're doing!

[matty7]

well you have reached out to GS so that's a start . get to know people here and get a friend list going etc ..many people here have been through the same things as you and many of us have had the strong feelings of loneliness ..keep posting here and at least you have a place to blow off steam at least

[Pix]

If possible, get this from the library:

Teenage Liberation Handbook

If you need to ILL (said "I-L-L" to the reference library which stands for Inter Library Loan) and they want the ISBN then the ISBN-13 is the one they want.

It's a manual on unschooling which is distinct from homeschooling, yet homeschoolers and unschoolers often mix together socially...that is if your parents aren't insane with religion (extreme fundies have learned to distrust unschooling for a variety of reasons). Even if you can't meet up with any unschoolers (and go to places like the Not Back to School Camp which is generally gay friendly) then it does share on how to engage in social activities (even team sports) with homeschoolers. And at the very least then once you make some friends then it's easier to slip out to find yet other friends.

And be advised that parents who homeschool in order to control often monitor internet activity, and many know how to check the logs to see where you've been. Your parents may not be that way, or may be too ignorant even if they are (but they may have friends, including clergy, who suggest it for them), but you might find it a good idea to clear the cache (be sure to include browsing history, cookies, etc) and for good measure create a "false trail" by visiting sites your parents would approve of. It can be important as if you have fundie parents then you're in danger of such legalized abuses as this:

Kidnapped for Christ

And remember what so many kids say: "18 and out." (Not necessarily out of the closet, mind you, but no longer a prisoner unless you're even more scared of the world than you are of them.)

[Bowyn Aerrow]

So much has happen in this shitstorm that has been my life for the past couple months.
I'm tired of not having a support system. I want to be in a relationship with a boy. I realize how unhealthy it is to be dependent on others for happiness, but I just feel like I'm tired of being alone. I want to be in a romantic relationship with someone who can convince me that there's nothing wrong with being gay.

I'm in the closet and home-schooled. It is fucking hard to meet guys much less be in a relationship with one. Please help me, someone. Cause I am on the brink of just ending it all, and I don't mean to seem dramatic, I'm just tired of feeling so alone! I wish I could put into words the amount of frustration and anger I feel on a daily basis, and it all seems to be adding up and compiling rather quickly. God I just want these feelings to end.

Actually some dependency on your partner for emotional support/happiness is a big part of why people become part of an 'Us'. humans are for the most part hardwired to be part of an 'Us' and not isolate units.

It is billions of years of evolution screaming for you to procreate so your DNA will survive, its far far easier to cause you to be somewhat dependent upon a potential mate for everything so you will want to be with them and not only procreate but also bring that parasite to the point where it can get all heart achy and craving its own mate to pair off and be part of an 'us' with.

Even co-dependency can be healthy to a degree, depending on how both individuals of the 'Us' is wired.

An 'ideal' couple will be emotionally dependent upon one another, need each other to feel whole and happy to a pretty great degree. I'm not saying that clinging to your partner 24/7 is good (it is at first during the romance stage of love, later its needful and disastrous in most relationships), but having that feeling that you can't live without your partner, or can't imagine living alone is a healthy, good feeling to have when in a relationship.

This fiercely independent bullshit is exactly that, bullshit. Humans are highly social creatures and need the company of others, and they do tend to lean toward serial monogamy sessions, short term periods of being totally into 'just one' person for all of their needs (emotional, physical, intellectual, blah).

This is why couples speak of their 'better half' and compare themselves as being half of a whole. This concept is as old as humanity and is reflected in the notion of a man cleaving himself to his wife. Romeo and Juliet were so much an 'us' they ended up committing suicide to be with one another. so the concept of needing your mate with all of your being is not an alien nor unhealthy thing, it is pretty much what being human is about.

Evolution is a dirty bitch, and love and need and all of that is all designed for the survival of your DNA... You are hardwired to cleave with a mate. Its not unhealthy, its basic survival of the species.

Those feelings are not going to end. Sorry. Maybe once you get into a partnership you will be genuinely happy for a time, however relationships are not easy and it requires a bit of adaptation to be 'happy' in a relationship.

Contentment is the real key. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-...or-content makes for a good read.

BTW humans tend to be really screwed up with what emotions they THINK they are feeling. Often humans mistake contentment and happiness, or Love and Hate, or Indifference for being something other than what they are.

Happiness is forced down everyone's throat as being the ideal. It ain't. I get perpetually happy in the summer (hypo-mania) it is as bad, if not worse than being constantly unhappy (depressed) which I get in winter. Perpetual happiness is Mania. Mania is a disorder, not normal.

Contentment is a different matter, it has a large amount of emotionally neutrality in it, peace, serenity, acceptance and a bit of indifference without the need to having to have 'more'.

Yes I know, I can't breath unless I have a partner, I want to die because I'm so utterly alone - this is actually pretty healthy and means you are a living, breathing, feeling human being who is like 96% of the rest of humanity that is considered 'normal' par for the course. Again, Evolution has made you her Bitch... Get used to it.

Actually acting on those feelings and offing yourself is abnormal, and unhealthy.

Having emotions and acting on them are usually two different things. That guy/gal whose guts you hate so much that you want to 'do them in' (kill) is actually pretty typical of human experience. However taking it from wanting to kill a person and doing the murder is seen as the act of an unstable mind and is thus considered 'abnormal', therefore unhealthy.

So your approach to what being part of an US is wrong. Dependency to one degree or another is what relationships are all about. And your feelings of wanting to opt out of life because you feel utterly alone are 'normal' as in most of us get those once in a while, and when Evolution starts slapping you around and making you her Bitch, those feelings become huge and take up a huge portion of your thinking.