Seemingly perpetual singlehood: Where am I going

[Baycitybreeze]

[SIZE="5"]Folks, I'm looking for some advice and share my experience with you. Perhaps some of you have the same experience and we can discuss these things.

I'm a single gay man living in a metropolitan area. I have had a few short relationships (more like friends with benefits) a while ago. Both relationships didn't last long either because there wasn't enough physical attraction or that we weren't compatible.

I have been single for a long time. I do enjoy the solitude that comes with singlehood. I can do whatever, whenever. Life is simpler, hassle free, and flexible. Deep down, though, I do want a long-term companionship. I long for someone to know, hold hands, share life with. Whenever I see a couple of an attractive guy, this longing is reignited. I have done the mess around thing, but didn't find much meaning in it. Most of the time, guys weren't even all that physically attractive. I'm a monogamous minded person and would appreciate the stability of a relationship.

Over the years, my career took off and I'm at a very comfortable place money wise and career wise. I feel that I got used to being single and enjoy all the great stuff that comes with being single. Sometimes I wonder if I really want a partner, if I would be able to tolerate another person and his shortcomings, if my criteria is too picky, etc.

The thing is I'm at a comfortable place but I feel a bit empty. How nice it would be to meet another guy who is physically attractive, shares my goals and lifestyle, and is where I am in life similarly. I don't do the bar/club thing and I don't get to meet that many new guys at all. In fact, life has become insular as I enter into my early 30s.

Do I want a FWB? Safety would be a concern as it is not monogamous. I would like to have feelings for the guy. It's just that much better. But how do I meet that special person? It's hard to find guys who are interested in a relationship, let alone screening for compatibility and attractiveness.

Sometimes I wonder if this is it. I wonder if 30 years from today I'm still where I am socially, eating out alone, traveling alone, enjoying life but with a sense of emptiness.

Are there anyone in a similar situation? What advice can you give me?

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[Kenny221]

It looks like you're looking for the perfect relationship...which I don't think it's entirely impossible but...some people say that "The best relationship is the kind that takes the most work." I mean, it's almost impossible to find someone that's attractive, compatible and sharing mutual strong feelings. One of the three would ALWAYS need work and compromising (attraction is a little harder, but the other two works)

I'm personally a romantic, and I hate to admit it , but I do too hope some day the guy shows up and just sweep me off my feet. Reality is, those perfect relationships DO exist, but they take work.

I'm not telling you go find some random person who you don't like at all to work the relationship with, but trying to lower your expectations a little bit, and then WORK your relationship to where you want it to be.

Nobody said love was gonna be easy.

[Baycitybreeze]

Another thing is that sometimes I develop feelings for a straight guy. Why is it always a straight guy?

Granted, there are more straight guys out there. Am I attracted to their masculinity? confidence in carrying themselves? I'm not sure.

I do not want a straight guy. I want a gay guy.

[driftwood]

Granted, there are more straight guys out there.

You'll meet more straight guys if you go to the places straight guys go. I don't know anything about Minneapolis, except that it's a big enough city that there should be some gay clubs there. Hopefully it's big enough to support some gay venues where alcohol is not the main attraction, or maybe even where alcohol is left out entirely. Alcohol is conducive to hook-ups, and that's not what you want. If you can find some places to meet other gay men in a reasonably relaxed environment, it should be just a matter of time. But be patient, let time work for you; not against you.

[Bluelight]

Another thing is that sometimes I develop feelings for a straight guy. Why is it always a straight guy?

Granted, there are more straight guys out there. Am I attracted to their masculinity? confidence in carrying themselves? I'm not sure.

I do not want a straight guy. I want a gay guy.

Yup... nearly always straight. That's probably half the reason why I've always been single myself, wouldn't surprise me if I'll still be single by the time I'm in my 30's.

[southbiochem]

I assume being in a metropoli like Minneapolis there woud be places for you to go to meet gay folks..

It seems that you no longer want the FWB bit but the relationship.

You have a career, stable income, and a mature age.

You seem to be more than ready for a commitment.

So, you need to throw yourself out there..

granted, you will meet folks interested in hook-ups, but if you dig around, start dating, getting together with folks, then, eventually you'll find that one guy.

Find out if you don't know already about venues approppriate for your maturity range..

I mean not clubs or bars where it's all about a good time and hook ups, but places where you can meet more "serious" guys..

go on the internet and start googling

seriously, with how your life is, career wise and how you seem to be personality wise, you shouldn't have any trouble finding a good partner..you're quite a catch for any guy relationship-oriented

[Woollyhats]

Another thing is that sometimes I develop feelings for a straight guy. Why is it always a straight guy?

Granted, there are more straight guys out there. Am I attracted to their masculinity? confidence in carrying themselves? I'm not sure.

I do not want a straight guy. I want a gay guy.

I know it's not the same problem exactly, but I can relate slightly in that most of the guys I end up liking are bi... like 80% of the time, and most of them like to pretend they're straight. Like really, it's a problem.


I would recommend putting yourself in an environment in which you're most likely to succeed. Activities that sterotypically attract gay men (support groups, gay teams art groups, are groups in general, online dating sites), and not to give up. Importantly, remember that a relationship isn't going to ward off any sad feelings. Relationships are very stressful. Be happy with you, and when someone sees that, they're going to want that happiness in their life... Good luck, and happy Valentine's day --- make sure to treat yourself to something today

Much needed edit: And never write off a guy that is bi because of what I said here, or what anyone else tells you. Regard people that you're interested in as individuals and don't let previous experiences taint them for you. The guy you least expect might become the guy you like most.

[dfiant1]

I have been dating guys since I was 12 and those relationships lasted anywhere between a few weeks to 13 years.

The longest relationship I had (13 years) started when I was 17 and he was 15 and only ended when he passed away. So if it wasn't for his unfortunate, but predictable, demise I feel confident in saying that we would still be together, perhaps deep in my heart we still are.

Since 1999 when he passed away I have had 2 relationships, one in 2002 which lasted about 6 months and another in in 2006 which lasted 3 months. They were nice, but I never felt 'at ease' in those relationships and I ended them.

So I have been single for 8 years now, but I feel like I have achieved so many things that I would never have achieved if I had a significant other and that is mainly because the only person I have to please is myself.

Sure it would be nice to have that significant other, but I have had something that not everyone else gets to experience and it is pretty bloody hard to top that, would have been nice if it lasted longer, but it simply didn't.

Valentines day, just like mothers day, fathers day, Easter, Christmas...all in my mind are 'obligation' days, and by that I mean if you cannot say 'I love you' for the other 364 days of the year, don't bother saying 'I love you' on the 14th of February because you have been guilted by one of the most commercially viable days for Hallmark.

Appreciate what you have EVERY day of the year.

[Woollyhats]

I have been dating guys since I was 12 and those relationships lasted anywhere between a few weeks to 13 years.

The longest relationship I had (13 years) started when I was 17 and he was 15 and only ended when he passed away. So if it wasn't for his unfortunate, but predictable, demise I feel confident in saying that we would still be together, perhaps deep in my heart we still are.

Since 1999 when he passed away I have had 2 relationships, one in 2002 which lasted about 6 months and another in in 2006 which lasted 3 months. They were nice, but I never felt 'at ease' in those relationships and I ended them.

So I have been single for 8 years now, but I feel like I have achieved so many things that I would never have achieved if I had a significant other and that is mainly because the only person I have to please is myself.

Sure it would be nice to have that significant other, but I have had something that not everyone else gets to experience and it is pretty bloody hard to top that, would have been nice if it lasted longer, but it simply didn't.

Valentines day, just like mothers day, fathers day, Easter, Christmas...all in my mind are 'obligation' days, and by that I mean if you cannot say 'I love you' for the other 364 days of the year, don't bother saying 'I love you' on the 14th of February because you have been guilted by one of the most commercially viable days for Hallmark.

Appreciate what you have EVERY day of the year.

This simultaneously makes me want to hug you and respect you that much more

[loserguy]

Reading between the lines I get the impression that you are led too much by a guy's appearance and not enough by his personality. There can be a hidden beauty in someone and that is a fairly permanent fixture, whereas looks fade over time.
What I am saying is that we can all find faults in people should we want to and even though I am sure many of us have been guilty of this at some stage, it boils down to being narrow-minded. What good is a great looking guy with no personality?
It is sometimes good to have an idea of what you are looking for - be it intelligence, personality, looks or whatever but you must realize that very few people tick all the boxes.
The harsh reality is that if you really want a boyfriend or partner you will get one.
It is entirely up to you.
But I might suggest that you refine your requirements, give the guys a chance and go to the places that gay guys frequent now and again.
And if you are too fussy and negative you will turn guys away from you instead of attracting them.

Having a successful relationship depends so much on compromise. If you are willing to compromise a little from the outset, you will find that others will find you more attractive.

I hope you see it this way too?