He proposed to me and I said no

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend and me, we're together for 7 years, we're living together and some time ago he proposed to me and I refused. It made me feel bad, because I saw that he had really prepared for this, it was a quiet snowy evening with dinner and candles and one knee thing and basically everything you could wish for and I realized I'm spoiling it all by telling him no. Our relationships has became a little bit strained as I guess he doesn't understand me and I don't understand him.

I've always considered marriage to be an unpleasant thing and something I don't want to experience. And he knew that, he knew I never wanted to marry. So why ask if you know I'll say no? I just don't understand it, why should we go through all that ceremony and all that legal stuff, if we already feel good the way we are now. I don't want my love to be defined in business or legal terms. I won't love him more just because I'll have a ring on my finger. I'm just 25 years old, I believe I'm too young to marry. I want to have a boyfriend, not husband, I even hate that word. Besides what if we break up? Yes, we love each other now, but love is a mystery. I don't really believe in the possibility of turning into grandfathers together, maybe one couple out of hundred can stay together all their lives. What if tomorrow we'll hate each other? Divorce means a lot of stress, money and f*cked up nerves.

We've talked about this and we both see this situation differently. He thinks I don't take our relationships seriously and he believes I don't love him enough to marry him. But that's not true, I love him very much and he's the most important person in my life. However marriage is a total no-no to me. I still don't understand why did he propose me, he knew my attitude. He knew I don't believe in marriage and that I would say no.

My mother already reproached me for what I did and so did my sister. They knew he was going to propose me and they were sure I would agree, they even started to choose the best dresses for attending our wedding.

Why is marriage so important to everyone? What does that ring change in couple's feelings? Am I alone the marriage hating freak?

[southbiochem]

No I don't think you are alone in hating marriage.

That's pretty much irrelevant, cause you are with someone who needs marriage as the pinacle of a relationship.

My best guess for what happened is that your BF thought your disposition towards marriage had changed after 7 years, which is not at all impossible to believe, some people do when they are in love.

As for you, you probably thought he also had backed down in his idea to get married, due to your conversations on the matter, hence you were taken by surprise.

You 2 have different (and both valid) views on how a relationship should evolve and where it should lead to.

Question left is will he be able to cope being with you considering marriage is important to him. A proposal rejection is a hard thing to recover from.

Both ways to go are unfair:

it is unfair that you keep seeing him if he does indeed want a marriage.

it is unfair that he wants you to do something you seem to loathe

I'm afraid it's up to the both of you to determine where to go from here, as clearly: either one of you caves to the other's expectations or you 2 need to split up and find others more suitable to your respective life goals

[Woollyhats]

Sometimes people love the other person so much they get married for them, even when marriage isn't something they would normally do.

If there are concerns over breaking up; do not get married. If you foresee yourselves together for the foreseeable future, want to be together, and can realistically work out (esp. financially), perhaps take a big gulp, and make his dream come true.

Marriage is often described as a wondrous and glorious occasion, it is every girl's dream (honestly this is not always true), and while the stereotype towards men describes them as hating and being frightened of marriage, many men actually have a dream of being married too. In reality, for some people, it is often expensive, tedious, and awkward, and usually these same people will accurately note that marriage is not a requirement for love.

I am actually one of these people - marriage is not particularly important to me, and the actual process of it is frightening to me. However, should I be in the same relationship I am in now several years from now; I'll consider it because of the value it has to my boyfriend --- after all, my only problem is that I don't particularly enjoy the process or regard it as needed to solidify a relationship, but if it means so much to the person I love, I would do it for said person.

Perhaps you could consider these things.

In the meantime, your boyfriend does need to realize that even though the idea of love and marriage are linked together for him, they are not similarly linked for you, and not having one does not have an impact on the other.

[driftwood]

it was a quiet snowy evening with dinner and candles and one knee thing and basically everything ...

That's downright ridiculous. Most couples discuss the pros and cons of marriage many times over months or years before the actual proposal. The proposal is merely a formality. Frequently the person being proposed to has been pushing for it. It was a foolish melodramatic charade that he set up. Maybe he thought you'd get caught up in the drama, and say yes before you had time to think.

he knew I never wanted to marry... I'm too young to marry.

He knew you didn't want it. And I imagine he also knew how strong your feelings were.

they even started to choose the best dresses for attending our wedding.

That's how important marriage is to some people - it's an excuse to go shopping and buy a new dress.

I've always been opposed to the concept of legal marriage. It's asking the government's permission to do something that's none of their goddamn business in the first place.

[CellarDweller]

I am one of those people who believe in marriage, and I want a partner who feels the same way.

If your partner wants to be married, and you don't, you both need to come to a decision, is one of you willing to settle for what the other wants, or will you part ways.

I can only speak for myself.......If I were with someone who told me they didn't want to marry, I would have to end it. I'm not willing to sacrifice that.

[Rainbowmum]

No you are not alone in hating it.
What does it change ? Not that much, but it is a contract of commitment , a safety net if you will.

To each their own ,some couples want marriage and some are just as happy without it.
Talk to your partner ,make sure he understands that your decision is not a personal strike against his love.

[Dreamer]

First of all, you have no reason to feel bad about refusing his proposal.


You provided all the right reasoning behind not wanting to get married.


You're boyfriend should've known better. Shame on him for going against your wishes.


It's unfortunate for him, not you.


I don't care for marriage, and all that legal mumbo-jumbo, myself. To conform to this bandwagon that I find to be an overly-respected societal standard that comes with marriage is unnecessary. Sure, I support anyone's right to do so, and it's amazing that we have that option these days(depending where you live) to get "gay" married, but it's simply not for me, at this time.


Unfortunately, many others see things differently, like your boyfriend.


I would say have a talk with him about it, to smooth things between you two, since "saying no", but you already have many times before already. Maybe you should go to seek some couples therapy to work things out, if it continues to place a growing rift in your relationship with him. Maybe, it would give him some clarity, and peace of mind about your decision to stay as "boyfriends". Getting the guidance of a professional qualified to deal with such complications has great potential, so look into it!


Good luck, and let us know how things pan out, if anything changes.

[MisterTinkles]

Hmmmm...........

Sad, lonely life, if you live by "what if"...............

[dfiant1]

You were asked a question of which there are only 2 answers, your answer was already predetermined if you had made yourself clear on your stance of marriage, yet your partner wasn't prepared for a no? AND you feel bad about that?

I'm sorry, I may sound too cut and dry on this, but your partner has let himself down by not preparing himself for 'NO'.

As for the whole marriage thing, I am not a fan of marriage, I think that religion has taken something that should be precious between 2 people and turned it into an exclusive club. Marriage used to be about love, now it is about obligation while the marriage lasts and a binding contract when the marriage ends...it's a process, a legality, and is no longer something that the heart desires.

Having said that, my opinion on marriage shouldn't hinder the progress of those who wish to marry, all humans should be allowed to marry any other human they wish to give their heart to with legal consent.

[Arkansota]

So my boyfriend and me, we're together for 7 years, we're living together and some time ago he proposed to me and I refused. It made me feel bad, because I saw that he had really prepared for this, it was a quiet snowy evening with dinner and candles and one knee thing and basically everything you could wish for and I realized I'm spoiling it all by telling him no. Our relationships has became a little bit strained as I guess he doesn't understand me and I don't understand him.

I've always considered marriage to be an unpleasant thing and something I don't want to experience. And he knew that, he knew I never wanted to marry. So why ask if you know I'll say no? I just don't understand it, why should we go through all that ceremony and all that legal stuff, if we already feel good the way we are now. I don't want my love to be defined in business or legal terms. I won't love him more just because I'll have a ring on my finger. I'm just 25 years old, I believe I'm too young to marry. I want to have a boyfriend, not husband, I even hate that word. Besides what if we break up? Yes, we love each other now, but love is a mystery. I don't really believe in the possibility of turning into grandfathers together, maybe one couple out of hundred can stay together all their lives. What if tomorrow we'll hate each other? Divorce means a lot of stress, money and f*cked up nerves.

We've talked about this and we both see this situation differently. He thinks I don't take our relationships seriously and he believes I don't love him enough to marry him. But that's not true, I love him very much and he's the most important person in my life. However marriage is a total no-no to me. I still don't understand why did he propose me, he knew my attitude. He knew I don't believe in marriage and that I would say no.

My mother already reproached me for what I did and so did my sister. They knew he was going to propose me and they were sure I would agree, they even started to choose the best dresses for attending our wedding.

Why is marriage so important to everyone? What does that ring change in couple's feelings? Am I alone the marriage hating freak?

I don't know if this is true, but the way I see it is that a proposal is a make it or break it moment. If you say yes, you will get married. If you say no, the whole thing is kind of over. See, "no" is a word that is incredibly powerful in that context. To some people, it constitutes complete and total rejection and not just a desire not to marry.