Boyfriend's Blog

[tjmc]

I need opinions about something that is bothering me. I discovered that my boyfriend is running a blog dedicated to Asian boy bands. He posts to it dozens of times per day. Most of the posts are pictures of the teenage band members (no nudity, but sometimes erotic). Occasionally, he posts pictures of himself, things he is doing, or answers questions from followers. There is nothing obviously pointing to cheating but there are flirtatious posts with others, including girls (he tells me he is gay).

A little background: he is in his mid-twenties, I am in my late twenties. We are in a monogamous relationship. When we met he had a similar (but more provocative) blog with pictures of guys and some other stuff, but also some partial nudes of himself. I didn't ask him not to continue it, but said I find it foolish to put personal info out on the internet. He said he wouldn't blog anymore. Several months ago, I found out he was blogging again and he tried to play it off as no big deal, as something that all of his friends do. He claims that posting the pictures of the boys is not about being attracted to them. I told him even though I didn't like the blogging, it was the fact that he was deceptive about it that mattered. There have been other incidents of deception, omission, or partial truths on his part, usually with minor stuff like this. He is very secretive with his cellphone and almost never leaves it unattended. When I pointed this out during the discussion/fight about the blog, he claimed it was because he didn't want me to see the blogging.

My questions for others: would this bother you? I'm white, is it immature of me to be bothered by what I consider his obsession with Asian male beauty? At what point does deception in little things add up to a big problem?

Any opinions, observations, or general comments are welcome.

[austin]

Can i get the name of that blog?? Haha no there has to be trust in a relationship. So it would bother me alot. Just my thoughts

[Edward]

So what if he's running a blog? Nowadays many people have blogs somewhere.

I'd say - maybe it's not immature, but it's definitely silly of you to worry about something like this. Don't you ever check out hot guys on the street, on the Internet, etc? I don't believe that.

[southbiochem]

while it is no big deal having a blog I fail to see the need for keeping that hidden from you..
just be weary if this becomes a pattern..otherwise, you're fine!

[tjmc]

Thanks for the replies. One point of clarification: he did not tell me about the blog. In fact, a few weeks ago, I asked about if he was still blogging and he said, "No."

[BobInTampa]

Sounds like you BOTH need a good dose of MATURITY!
You want a SURE FIRE WAY to GUARANTEE the END of your relationship? KEEP TRYING TO CONTROL HIM!

Please try to explain to me how HIS BLOGGING about asian boy bands HURTS YOU? How does his expressing himself thru his blog (clearly he likes blogging based on your what you posted) IMPACT YOUR LIFE DIRECTLY?

Answer: IT DOESN'T!

Sounds to me like you're trying to control or mold him into something YOU WANT - not loving him for who he is.

Ok, so let's spin the tables? What if there was something YOU DID that he didn't like - say, painting your toenails. NO biggie, no one sees your painted toes, but HE SAID IT MADE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE.

How would you feel? You really like doing it, but you stop - for a while - for HIM. Would you NOT feel a bit put-out? It's your toes! So while he's not looking, you paint them and remove the color before he comes home. But one day he catches you and is upset because YOU are sneaking behind his back and still painting your toes.

DO YOU NOT SEE HOW THIS IS VERY IMMATURE? If you can't love him for who he is and all that that means, then you're NEVER going to last. Trust me! I"m a bit older and have seen this happen way too many times.

But, it's up to you!

[marshlander]

... You want a SURE FIRE WAY to GUARANTEE the END of your relationship? KEEP TRYING TO CONTROL HIM! ...

^^^This^^^

[Woollyhats]

Would you be able to share the blog? We might be able to tell you objectively if it seems more flirty or just like a boyband obsession.

Boyband obsessions are common with many girls, and some guys too. I have a close friend who was obsessed with Justin Beiber, and more recently one direction, but still longs for a boyfriend (unfortunately the last guy she tried dating was a player and it was disastrous, but I digress...), but her obsession doesn't mean she would be more likely to be unfaithful. Her personality is quite the opposite.

So yes, it might be alarming and sad to see your boyfriend so into anyone who isn't you, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want you. Even when we're dating and in relationships, we can still appreciate when other people look good, and have celebrity crushes, I do not think it's a bad thing.

As for the phone issue, some people just like privacy and this is important. Perhaps to ease your mind you could tell him you're worried and have some talks about it? Personally, I actually have access to my boyfriend's phone and Facebook, but never actually go through it - mostly I have access to win things for him on a local auction group. Also, it is a bit of a privacy issue, and sometimes we don't like our significant other seeing everything we say. For example, I talk to my closest friend for relationship advice, and would not like him seeing those conversations.

Also, think about this. If you have access to your boyfriend's web accounts and chats, you're going to end up spoiling all sorts of gifts for yourself. I know for a fact my boyfriend asked for help in Valentine day gifts ideas for me, and if I was a snoop I would have ruined that for myself. In addition, if he ever talks to a close friend about your relationship, and you see it, you might get a bad impression and worry about all sorts of things very needlessly. Respecting his privacy is optimal for you as well. Plus he's your boyfriend, he's supposed to love you, and in turn you should trust and care for each other.

I would not be overly worried, and talk your feelings out with him. Most likely he may be embaressed about his secret boyband obession... I know I would be. I hope it goes well..

Edit:

Questions;

My questions for others: would this bother you?

A little bit. I would honestly just ask he not keep things from me. Small white lies have appeared in our relationship before, and we simply talk them out. They rarely if ever happen...one particular one that got me was him pretending to be gay and not bi because he wanted me to feel safe, and we talked about being ourselves. In your relationship, you might discuss that it's okay for him to talk about his celebrity crushes with you.

I'm white, is it immature of me to be bothered by what I consider his obsession with Asian male beauty?

Yes.

At what point does deception in little things add up to a big problem?

Immediately, it is something to talk about, but also not a bad sign in and of itself. Usually things like this are harmless, but you do want to make sure that small and insignificant problems do not pile up and get worse.

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I didn't answer your poll by the way... I don't want to feel like I've impacted your relationship by selecting a single line of text when I don't know the dynamics of your relationship and how it works...

[dfiant1]

I also have a problem with someone who buys a house that was built under the flight path or Domestic and international flights, and then decides to complain about the noise.

[marshlander]

I don't understand what makes anyone think they need to have access to someone else's personal stuff. After more than a decade I don't help myself to PA's messages, don't know his PIN numbers, don't open his mail or know any of his passwords. Whenever he pays using his bank cards I turn away so I don't see him punch in the code. I'm pretty certain he would tell me if I asked, but it's none of my business. We may be partners, but he is still entitled to his privacy and his dignity.