Not allowed to be myself.

[OmamFan]

Hello.
I am new to this forum, I just made my account mainly to post this. I just can't keep it in anymore.

I am 18, almost 19. From Kuwait, a middle eastern country... :/ and I'm gay..

I'll start by telling how I figured out I was gay, ever since I was a kid most of the guys in my class would talk about how hot girls are and how they'd like to be sexually active with them. I could never relate to them, in fact it was some of those guys that I found attractive, but I had to act like I knew what they were talking about to avoid having them think I'm gay. Why would I be so ashamed if they figured out I was gay?

Well, for starters I live in Kuwait, it's a small middle eastern country where being gay is looked down upon. Mainly because of religious beliefs and how it's not really "natural".

I liked men. I came to that realization when I was 10. I couldn't explain it back then and I can't explain it now. I shouldn't need to.

Now that I'm in university it should be better for me, at least that's what I kept reading online. It's not, for me it almost feels like my time is almost up. It's traditional that once you graduate from Uni and start working, you'd get married. You have to get married, it's just how it is. I don't want that to happen. I'm scared.

Now, some of you may say, why don't you just try and explaining how you feel to your parents? I can't. I will get disowned. I know that because one day my father found pictures of attractive men on my phone and he kept threatening me and saying I shouldn't be a "Faggot", and that if he comes across something like this again he would kick me out of the house.

Also, if I come out to them, it would break my mothers heart.

There is also a religious aspect, I thought that I might be able to try something out without anyone knowing but I always stop myself because of my beliefs. It is so frustrating as you find two parts of yourself battling it out constantly and you not knowing how to deal with it. I tried to put my religion behind me but it failed. It's been planted in my brain since I was very young. Everyone here is the same way, religion is number one here.

All I want is just to be able to feel something with another individual. Why the sex of said individual matters is beyond me. It breaks my heart when I realize that I never actually lived my life. I never lived at all. I've been acting this whole time, being someone I'm not. I see everyone else in other places not having a single worry about being who they are and I just cry for myself. I want to have a family some day with the person I LOVE, not the person I'm supposed to love. As I'm growing up, I'm realizing that it will never happen, not if I want to still have a family or not be burned eternally in hell.

I'm scared because I am unable to dream of what I would want my life to be like because that gives me hope where there is non. I'm scared because I feel like my future is not mine, my life is not mine and my emotions aren't mine aswell. I'm scared sometimes because I feel like I'm physically unsafe, and mentally unsafe as I have contemplated suicide.

I didn't write this because I wanted someone to feel sorry for me or anything of that nature. I just wanted it to get off my chest, I feel like if people knew how I felt; even if those people were strangers, I'd somehow feel better.

Honestly, I just want to love and not having that affect anything.

[Woollyhats]

After university, would you perhaps be able to consider moving to another more developed nation as a refugee? Your university education would be helpful in getting a job (you might need to write an exam for the associated degree, but with the education I'm sure you could), and in pointing out your worth to the country you move too.

Homosexuality between men is actually illegal in Kuwait...along with well, everything LGBT related, which allows you to say your country is persecuting you.

[southbiochem]

No one in their right mind will tell a guy from an Arab country to "explain it to the parents".

Seems to be, as it's oh so common with Islamic nations, that you can't possibly live where you live and be yourself.

You have a college education, which is very very helpful.

See and do it now, to get out of where you live. Move out of that country.

Go the United Nations site and see where can you go. Most likely Europe should be your goal.

I know it's hard and it may seem not feasible but it's necessary. It's possible because of penalization of homosexuality in Kuwait. UN can help you.

I see you love your parents..or at least your mother but they won't love you anymore if they realise you're gay. It's incredibly unfair but that line of thinking is ingrained into them.

Also know this: no matter what your beliefs are, no single God will hate you on account of sexuality. Priests, religious hierarchs, HUMANS, will tellyou this, but it's not true. You can be a gay man and have a faith.

[CellarDweller]

After university, would you perhaps be able to consider moving to another more developed nation as a refugee?

I think this is the most viable solution

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Well its seems to me your options here are clear cut.

1. Marry a nice lady and have lots of children and find discrete men to scratch that itch through the coming decades, stay in Kuwait and be that family man you are supposed to be.

2. Move (to another nation).

I would strongly suggest you do not move to the Netherlands, I understand that they are cracking down on their Mexican problem... Sorry, Middle Eastern Problem (The USA has a problem with Mexicans).

However, if every LGBT in Kuwait continually flee the country, then this anti-gay thing is just going to on and on and on.

In the USA Being gay wasn't just a sin, it was a medical problem that landed many gays in 'hospitals' for electric shock therapy. furthermore, most states had pretty strict sodomy laws, meaning you could be arrested and put in prison for being 'that way'.

Until about the 1960's when the Stonewall Riots took place. Essentially the LGBT community in the US got a stomach full of being treated less than shit and started fighting back.

40+ long years of waging a war for rights and equality, and its still not fully finished. So you have your work cut out for you and yes you and other young Kuwait gay men may not live to see the day when Gay marriage is accepted. I understand that undoing Islamic Laws takes a bit more work.

While there was a pretty loud open and obvious LGBT front, there was also a large® hidden campaign that targeted churches and politicians and organizations like the AMA and the APA with a 'whisper campaign' - meaning LGBT wrote and talked to many who were underling to real leaders and challenged basic ideas and concepts.

Understand that Christianity in the US is taken pretty damn seriously, and the Christians are down on homosexuality, after all there are six whole passages that make it clear (not really) that God hates gays.... 40+ years of letter writing, talking to pastors, ministers and priests has brought about a new Church Era where many churches are gay tolerant and gay accepting.

Don't tell me that Islam doesn't change. Islam does change, albeit slowly, the last 150 years have seen massive changes, not for the better in most cases, and this was a result of Western interference in Middle Eastern Affairs.

If Islam can respond to exterior negative forces, it can respond to positive internal forces.

Yes life sucks for you. I'm sorry about that. It sucked for my LGBT 'grandparents' who were gay in the days when they could be arrested, or sent to an institution for electroshock therapy to 'cure' them of their 'disease'. They started the fire which became the Gay Pride movement here in the USA and today we see the final barriers between LGBT and the straight world collapsing - Today LGBT can serve openly in the military, the list of states with legal gay marriage is growing, the Federal Government is accepting Gay Marriage and couples filing jointly for taxes, with Gay Married federal employees getting a sweet deal that just a decade ago few people thought they would live to see ever happen.

So the third option is to be part of whatever movement can be started inside of Kuwait to get the ball rolling to where your LGBT 'grandchildren' can live in a Kuwait where being LGBT isn't such a terrible crime, maybe even be able to marry and stuff.

IDK if you are up to the challenge and the risks that this third option brings with it. Honestly I do not know if Kuwait's society is even set up to accept a movement starting, even by your own version of the Stonewall Riots.

Perhaps a whisper type campaign?

[Rainbowmum]

First of all I would suggest that you do not tell your parents about this.( Safety)
Second, It's time to weigh up your options and make a decision about your future, it's never cut and dry it up to you to choose if you want to live a lie to please your family, or take the bull by the horns and make your future a reality.

You deserve to to be accepted and loved by someone for who you are.
Time to be true to yourself.

[matty7]

in the country I live in you would be able to be who u want to be ,,not saying it would be easy !!! ,,but to be so trapped as you feel is something I cant even imagine ,, but you have found gayspeak ,,so I hope u have this outlet forever

[davearoo]

In some countries where arranged marriages are common, families will often pair up a gay man and a lesbian woman - so that most of the time the couple goes elsewhere for sex.

Everyone in the families is aware of the situation, but of course nobody discusses it publicly.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

I am 18, almost 19. From Kuwait, a middle eastern country... :/ and I'm gay..
I'm scared because I am unable to dream of what I would want my life to be like

Society, regardless of where you live can do many things, but what it can't do is take away your dreams.

As others have said, if your society won't accept you, then maybe its time to look for another society that will. Your at university, why not start planning now to do some further studying at another university in a more LGBT friendly society?

If you don't want to continue in education, why not start looking for some kind of gap year experience in another country. You have options.

The one thing I can't emphasise enough, is that you must consider your personal safety when it comes to LGBT matters. There are a number of countries where being gay can also be dangerous.

Have a look here, and ask yourself where you would like to go.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:World_...y_laws.svg

Dreams can lead to better things

Stay Safe.

ObW
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