Deeply suicidal

[Bowyn Aerrow]

30 December 1994. I killed myself.

Aside from keeping the promise with the Mega Bitch (My mother) and calling her to inform I was doing it, I would have succeeded. She broke her end of the deal and called 911. I stopped talking to her after that. She died in 2007, I didn't learn about that until 2012... We were close you see.

Anyway... I died, twice that night. The doctors resuscitated me, pumped my stomach, pushed God only knows what into my system to make this body continue going.

I freely admit I have days when I hate their guts and want to scream at them that they had no right to take that from me... then there are days where I am thankful that they did.

However, if I look back from where I am today at the past 19 years, I have to admit I have met a lot of people since that time, and I have done a lot of stupid, stupid horrendous interfering in people's lives.

You know, things like saving a person from their own death sort of stupid mistakes...

I play the 'what if game'... What if I never met ____________ (fill in the blank) What was my impact on his/her life? What would have happened if I hadn't been there to pull her out of her abusive situation, or save him from himself, or.....

Then there are the countless unknown people who I have affected indirectly... I said some off the wall 'kernel of wisdom' that gets passed to someone else via someone who overheard it and it has an impact on that life and they go on to make a million dollars, or maybe not do something....

Do you see where I am going with this?

Yeah sure right now no one likes you, you have absolutely no friends, no one listens to you, whatever - however tomorrow, or next month or next year you may actually be the only one standing between some yet unmet individual and their horrific death (all death is horrifying - its so against our survival instinct).

If you off yourself now, then what happens to them?

YOU change the course of a lot of lives. YOU have an impact and effect on people - and not just on the people who you actually meet face to face, but the people that meet THOSE people you have met.

Like it or not, your life will most likely affect millions of people in some measure. We all pick up stuff from everyone we meet. Hell a person who smiles at you as you leave the elevator will sufficiently lighten your mood to make you treat the next person you meet significantly better.

What about your potential smiles?

There is no telling right now who you will met, what you will do for them. But I assure 19 years from now (if you are still alive) you will look back and see that you had a direct, meaningful impact on at least one person's life, and had you really offed yourself their live would have gone in a totally different (most likely terrible) way.

No man is an island. Everything you do has an affect, it ripples out and causes affects on others. That whole 6 degrees of separation thing should make it clear just how connected every human being on this planet is connected to everyone else.

You are only 21, you have a whole huge life of potential mates and ex-loves to make. Seriously relationships ain't all that, I have had six and I'm through. They were all hard, they were all more misery than joy - the net sum of relationships is to get temporary joy/pleasure and end up with long term debt.

There are no happily ever-afters, there is just different forms of misery that you can pick and choose from.....

Ask the older Single Gay Males here why they ain't out clubbing it and seeking their next mate... They'll tell you that relationships are not all that and a bag of chips.

So in reality you ain't missing much, and these guys calling you ugly, fat or telling you stay way from the gay scene may actually being doing you a HUGE FAVOR and saving you from a fate worse than death.