boyfriend on squirt - need advice

[torontoguy]

Hi everyone, I am just looking for some advice about a current situation that I am in.

So I've been seeing my boyfriend for a year, and everything had been going pretty well. A few issues here and there but nothing to end the relationship over. About a month ago something came up that made me pretty upset and now I'm questioning everything.

He had to go out of town for a course he was taking and is to be gone for 6 weeks. We talked abut how we would handle it and he said he would msg and call me often. He even took a picture of me with him to put by his bed.

I started worrying pretty quickly as I didn't hear from him about as much as I wanted too and when I did it was mostly about how he was doing. One night I was worried and started looking onto dating sites as I knew he used them before we meet and I found him on squirt.org. he had naked pictures of himself up and indicated he was looking for local guys. He was online at the time I checked.

I was pretty devestated. I didn't approach him about it until a few days
After since I didn't know what to say and didn't wanna say something I regretted. When I did tell him that I knew and that I was upset he said he had never met anyone and only uses it cause the idea of guys around him looking for sex turns him on and he use to cruise around a lot before meeting me.

He didn't even really apologize and said he would face the consequences of his actions. But said he really loved me. After that I didn't hear from him for 7 days and his profile was still up. The only msg I got from him was him saying "I know your not too keen on me right now but I love you"

Livid, I called him and asked him why he hasn't try to reach me or take down his account. He said pretty much that he didn't know what my expectations were about how he should fix our relationship and that it was up to me to talk to him and tell him what to do.... he also said he didn't think it was a big deal that he was on squirt. He then said that I have trouble communicating and that this was a two way street...

I guess I just thought if he was sorry and felt bad he would at least make an attempt to console me or something... he has since removed his profile but we haven't talked in a week and he comes back at the end of the month.

Things just went so poorly so quickly. He had even talked about moving in together. I knew he liked looking at guys and watched a lot of porn but this is just too much... especially since we assured each other we were committed and monogamous

I'm pretty sure I know what I have to do... I guess I'd just like a second option or thoughts about all this. Should I have been a the one to try to fix this? I don't think I did anything wrong....

[Bowyn Aerrow]

The only thing wrong you did was assuming that a leopard will change their spots.

Oh don't feel bad, I keep making that mistake myself....

My ex of 14 years had a lot of sexual experiences before we got together... A lot... And I has assumed that it wasn't that big of a deal... No common frame of reference you see - I'm on the low end of sexual encounters and don't feel any real need for lots of random sex. Or whatever.

2 years into our relationship he cheated, it took about 5 years more before he admitted that he cheated and that was how he got the HIV... The last twelve years of our relationship he was continuing the same habits he had before we met, which meant having sex with oh about ten different guys a year - random hook-ups - well that is his estimate. I found out in the 14th year, was devastated, heart broken, blah....

However it dawned on me that the only thing that changed was that I learned what he was doing, and it was him being himself....

Before he and I got together was out nearly nightly having random hook-ups, heavy into several scenes. He had his porn, he had his drugs, he had all of this 'stuff' that was part of his life. He may have been sincere in the desire to change his spots, but I don't think that he was capable of doing so.

My mistake was assuming he could, the spirit being willing while the flesh is weak.

I think you may have a similar sort of situation brewing. Your Partner is the kind of guy who apparently doesn't think what he is doing is that big of a deal. He has been doing it for a long time, and its part of his nature. He may have a desire to be monogamous and all of that, but I honestly doubt he is capable of doing that.

Your take on the whole matter is right... for you. You view this as 'cheating' and that he owes you an apology, he views it as 'nothing' and doesn't see a reason to go out of his way to apologize for doing something that comes as naturally to him as breathing comes to you.

Yeah sure, you are hurt. And I'm sorry your hurt.


What do you do?

Well how stuck are you on this whole concept of monogamy?

Understand that I'm an old faithful guy and have held decades of hard core 'Monogamy and nothing less' - however my last relationship ended up bringing me to the conclusion that maybe my stance on monogamy is just unpractical and unrealistic in this modern 21st Century and I have to be a bit more accepting that my next relationship (if that happens, doubtful mind you) may have to be one of those open ones where they get to go out and have boys on the side. Mind I personally wouldn't do that myself. But then never know... perhaps if I am in the position where boys on the side are an option I may actually do that....

Are you at 'that point' where you are ready to disengage from 'strict monogamy' and actually entertain willingly (and with silence) allowing your partner to have a more open experience when it comes to sex?

Understand your partner does NOT view sex as you do, to him it is just sex - no strings attached, a bit of fun - but love and intimacy and all of the things your monogamy based mind attach to the act just doesn't seem to be there for him. So you can't really expect him to understand what you think sex is all about.

At this point you may have the intellectual understanding of that concept. I do admit 'feeling' it or understanding it emotionally may take a bit longer. It took me about 46 years to really get it as a concept emotionally....

I just want for you to understand that knowing something in the brain like this may not bide well with how your heart will understand it.

The other options are:

1. Rant, scream, fight and try to force him to see your way, meanwhile he will just become more secretive and private about how he goes about getting his fix.

2. Leave him.

Well I guess a 3rd would be to try to ignore it, but it will happen, has happened and most likely will continue to happen - trust me the whole turning a blind eye to this sort of thing wears thin in about 12 years....

[marshlander]

You are both "committed and monogamous". That sounds fair, but do you both have the same understanding of what commitment and monogamy are? That is not a facetious question. We often think we know exactly what we mean, but unless we have really talked it through we can rarely be certain that anyone else has the same understanding.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

You have a problem here.

He's not reaching out to you because he doesn't believe he's done anything wrong. In fact it seems to me that he expects you to come looking for him, apologising for spying on him. What you in effect have is a stalemate situation.

As you are not currently living with him, I expect him to return and continue to ignore you. Either way I think you are gong to have to grasp the nettle on this one. As BA said, either your going to have to change your definition of monogamy, or end it. Perhaps he expects you to come crawling as if nothing has happened.

Marshlander also has a point. If you both assumed you understood what each other meant when you embarked on the relationship, then its possible that he misunderstood, although the cynic in me says you don't mistakenly start sleeping around because you misinterpreted the word monogamy (assuming you actually used that word of course!)

The hardest thing to face up to is the loss of trust. My view is that that is extremely difficult to rebuild, tho not impossible.

You need to ask yourself how much effort do you want to spend (waste?) on trying to recover the situation, when its very likely that he's not going to change.

As you say yourself, your pretty sure you know what needs to be done.

Good Luck.

ObW
X

[southbiochem]

Now this thoroughly pisses me off.

See I would understand this behavior if you were anything less than monogamous and exclusive.

I don't really understand what others say that everyone has its own definition for that..monogamous has but one definition, look for it in a dictionary.

Granted, you don't have any evidence of him actually doing anything so far. But come on, you shouldn't have to put up with him playing with that idea.

Certainly he thinks he has done nothing wrong. News flash, you being here showing you're hurt, is the best indication that he HAS.

Don't put up with that, please.

[MisterTinkles]

Kick his ass out the window.........preferably from 5 stories up!

As with ANY kind of relationship you will have with ANYONE in your life........THE FIRST THING YOU MUST ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS DO

Is to place down some rules, regulations, and what IS and what IS NOT acceptable in that relationship.

You HAVE to "draw lines", otherwise you end up with a player, like this guy....who dont give a shit.

By setting your rules and ethics in place when you start to get serious in any relationship, you set the boundaries for what is and what is not acceptable. AND you must include the punishments for infractions. This also "weeds out" the users, losers, and players.....as they are certainly NOT going to adhere to any rules of any kind, and will usually break off the relationship for some reason. Which is good for you, because you certainly dont need a lying, cheating, player in your life.

[East]

In any relationship....communication is a skill that must constantly be perfected....so perfect it. This includes the communication you have with yourself.

[CellarDweller]

I could never put up with that type of situation. If he were in a relationship with me and did that, he'd be gone.

Did he define your relationship as "Monogamous" or did he define it as 'open'?

[torontoguy]

Hey guys. Thanks for all the great advice. Ive deffinalty been thinking a lot about it. And to answer your question Celler - we defined things as monogamous. We had numerous discussions about it. He would hold me and ask if I was all his. At the time I felt it comforting... but I suppose it was all a front.

He gets back in a week. Still hasnt contacted me but continues to post on facebook what a good time hes having out of town... makes me feel like shit.

I think im just going to make my peace with it and move on

[costa]

Hello ,
I have experienced more or less the same situation. I guess my story though will have to be uploaded in a seperate part. I was having a serious relationship as well and there was also some distance involved, so -just like you -correct me if I m wrong- I found out that my guy was maintaining not just one account, but a few of them, plus a number of skypes with various ""nicknames"" and fake name facebook accounts to serve his purposes.
My point is one: It comes to the bottom line that it is all up to you to decide. I am also a beleiver of forgiveness and look forward, but at least in your case your bf admitted that he was doing so.So are you ready to forgive and look forward? Is your trust going to continue solid or broken? Are you ready to let go the possible doubts that this might happen again? Well those questions have been buzzing into my head as well I guess in yours as well.
Personaly i ended up the story...despite how strong feelings I had for him..Mistakes are for humans, but since you found out and the same thing continues...well ...It;s pretty much obvious what your bf is up to. I don't mean to sound offensive or anything, but I guess that trust is a very big issue....