fjp999 Wrote:vw, thanks for posting such a strong and moving story. I believe you have such positive power to continue living with your family/mother. As my mate would say "SHAME" on your mother.
On another forum I am chatting with another young Chinese (he calls me his mentor, LOL). He does have some Japanese blood. I lived in Tokyo for 10 years. Seems the Japanese have it a little better. Even if gay men get married to women and the hubby has a bf then the poor wifey has to pull out the futons for the male lovers... anyways, D has some of the same issues as you and he is looking for his first bf. He is so worried that his family, especially his mom, will find out and throw him out.
I agree with so much of everyones posts but especially about going at it on your own with your boyfriend. I was a little confused about your finances... you say that your mom cut off your tuition but then you say that you are working and giving your mom money and feeding your family. So if you are making it without your moms financial support and if she is driving you insane... then get out ASAP. Let her come to an understanding of what a beaut of a son she lost.
No Frank, VW wrote that his boyfriend was giving his little brother tuition and that when mother found out she cut off the tuition the boyfriend was giving her second son... which makes more sense... She is afraid that the boyfriend will turn her second son gay, as she already blamed the boyfriend for turning her FIRST son gay... She clearly has no understanding of what it means to be gay.
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vw256 Wrote:Thank you VERY MUCH for all the advice - I truly appreciate every single reply to this thread. I really wished I had joined this forum earlier!!!!
Marshlander, yes, i think imprisonment and beatings/whippings are still dished out to those convicted of homosexual acts, but I'm not 100% sure. I believe that this is probably the reason why all the gay men here in M'sia are very much in the closet. As for my mum and bro, my elder sister and I thought it might be a gd idea to invite them over to the UK as no one is in M'sia to look after them and to be honest, M'sia isn't really the safest place to live in. My sister works down in England, so mum and bro live with me. I've asked mum to speak to a psychiatrist before, as I think she is quite depressed (because of my dad's death and me telling her i'm gay). But she just wouldn't listen. She denies being depressed and once, we even got into an argument because of this.
Princealbertofb, I completely agree with you. My mum got really upset when she knew that I've told my close friends about my sexuality. She wants me to be in the closet. As she is settling down and making friends in Aberdeen, she doesn't want her friends to know as 'it will bring SHAME to the family'. I have, in the past, thought about moving out and living on my own, but my main concern is my younger brother. He is only 13, and if I move out, mum will definitely bring him back to study in asia. He's doing extremely well in school, and i really want him to get the best education. Also, my dad's death has kinda made me appreciate my family even more, as they won't be here forever. So, moving out is probably not the best move... Also, my mum has decided to stay with me for the rest of her life - she said that it's because i am (or was) her favourite child, but i suspect that she just wants to make sure that i stay single.
Shadow and fjp999, my boyfriend stopped tutoring my younger brother as my mum doesn't want to see him ever again - a bit ungrateful, i thought.
Oh well, there's nothing I can do (a total eclipse of the heart lol!). This has put quite a lot of pressure on my relationship with my bf e.g. he can't call me when i'm at home, we can only meet at certain times of the day (as I have to be home by 9pm). Also, I have to save his number as Stace on my mobile, so that mum won't know he texted/called. We've also created a code to replace 'I love you' etc.
Looks like I'll have to live life like this for a while. Hopefully, things will change when I graduate and start working. I try to work around things and not let it bother me too much. Time won't stop for anyone, so might as well put on a smile and make the best of it. I'm really glad that i have joined this forum and met some nice, caring and understanding members while going through a pretty rough patch in my life. Thank you once again, everyone!
I think it would be really helpful to your mother (and you) if she could join a PARENTS of gays and lesbians group. It might help her to understand the nature of the problem better and discuss her issues and fears with other parents (I don't know if this sort of association is called PFLAG or what but I know they exist to help parents come to terms with what they sometimes consider an abomination, if not just a minor difficulty. Could you get her to join one, or consider joining one? Maybe she doesn't know such support groups exist.
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I d like to think your mother still deals with the death of her husband and the stress attached. It's the best case scenario... I wish you had joined this forum earlier too. Since your mother is very religious i would have advice you to give it some time till she feels better and has a more accepting attitude also to fish for clues to prepare her before you come out to her. Now i take it she is trying to save you from making what she thinks to be a mistake (because of her religious beliefs).
She is giving you the picture: If you want to date men she is going to punish you as long as she lives, being unhappy is a better option and less shameful than being gay. Selfish or a mother's instinct try to stop her son from making a mistake...? Dont know , but i am sure she doesnt understand what being gay is about. I dont blame her for that but she was cruel and the methods she uses are emotionally abusive.
Can you explain your financial situation a little more? If you wanted to move out would you be able to do it? If you dont want to then you can either go her way and make her happy or stand up for yourself and show her there is a limit. I am afraid however you are most likely to put her in a situation that she will want to forget all about you or accept that you choose how you want to live your life. However since there are other people you are concerned about the best thing to do i believe is to take small steps and be patient but dont exhaust yourself. You are an adult not a kid any more she owes the same respect and love you give her. It is of her best interest to talk to someone like a psychiatrist or at least as princealbertofb suggested join a parents of gays and lesbians group. Give her time if you can, and hope for the best. Good luck
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Believe it or not this situation has vexed me so much that I was actually thinking about it whilst I was in the shower earlier, and it STILL made me mad ... :mad:.
I guess one of the things that's upsetting me about it is this "shame on the family" notion ... in that it's "OK" for your mum and little brother to live with you, taking from you that which you earn, and continuing to enjoy a better and healthier lifestyle as a direct result of that which you provide, but not only can your mum's attitudes not extend to meet you halfway - they are actually attempting to BULLY you into adopting an attitude that borders on farcical ... purely because to not do so would bring "shame on the family".
... I would be ashamed if I were a parent that allowed my child to provide for me as you are doing for your mum, and again, I'm really sorry to have such a vent 'coz she's your mum and I know you're just trying to do right by her, and I TOTALLY RESPECT THAT ...
... I just don't see why she can't extend you the respect you deserve for that, even if she's only ever able to get to the "I disagree with this lifestyle, but I still love you" stage ...
... it really does make me want to cry  .
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xx
!?!?! Shadow !?!?!
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Shadow, I'm sorry to get you so worked up. *HUGS* Oh well, it might be a cultural thing, but my mum sees the whole thing like this: She spent a lot of money and time bringing us up, providing us with the best she could afford (I have to say, she has been a very good mother), so she thinks that it is now our duty to care for her. She probably used it to defend herself too often in the past few months that one day, I couldn't take it anymore and said 'But you are our mum, you brought us here, so you should take care of us!' She then went on about how she could have brought us up without giving us the best for everything etc. and i felt quite bad for saying what i said to her.
Spotysocks, you are absolutely right. She thinks being gay is a mistake, and she is trying to prevent me from making this mistake. I tried explaining to her that being gay is not a mistake and that it really is beyond my control i.e. i can't choose my sexuality no matter how hard i try. She simply wouldn't listen - she probably thinks that whatever I say is biased? My sister is supporting us at the moment (my tuition fees + rent) and I work part time to help out with food shopping, bills, petrol etc. I could move out if I wanted to (my sister has been very supportive, and she actually suggested it to me), but that will definitely mean that mum and bro will move back to m'sia, which is not ideal.
Princealbertofb, what an amazing idea! I didn't know such support groups exist. I really think that we will benefit from such support. Having said that, getting my mum to join such groups might be an issue.... she's still in denial that I'm gay, and we don't really speak about it very often anymore (as everytime we speak about it, we end up in a heated argument). If I suddenly tell her now, we will, no doubt, have another HUGE argument, which will ultimately stop her from joining the group...
Anyway, I'm coming back to the UK this weekend as term starts next Monday. Mum and bro will not be back till 13th August, so I have a couple of weeks to spend some quality time with my boyfriend! I'm really looking forward to it!!!
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vw256 Wrote:Spotysocks, you are absolutely right. She thinks being gay is a mistake, and she is trying to prevent me from making this mistake. I tried explaining to her that being gay is not a mistake and that it really is beyond my control i.e. i can't choose my sexuality no matter how hard i try. She simply wouldn't listen - she probably thinks that whatever I say is biased? My sister is supporting us at the moment (my tuition fees + rent) and I work part time to help out with food shopping, bills, petrol etc. I could move out if I wanted to (my sister has been very supportive, and she actually suggested it to me), but that will definitely mean that mum and bro will move back to m'sia, which is not ideal.
So you could go away but you dont because it will affect you mother and brother's life. This is a very noble way to think Vw! I guess, after all she needs time and help to open her mind a little bit or at least realise that some things are not in her hand and has to let go. You make your own choices right or wrong you take responsibility of them. You grown up now.
Quote: Princealbertofb, what an amazing idea! I didn't know such support groups exist. I really think that we will benefit from such support. Having said that, getting my mum to join such groups might be an issue.... she's still in denial that I'm gay, and we don't really speak about it very often anymore (as everytime we speak about it, we end up in a heated argument). If I suddenly tell her now, we will, no doubt, have another HUGE argument, which will ultimately stop her from joining the group...
You will have to be very gentle convincing her. I assume you know her enough to know how to press the right buttons. When conversation heats up it is really hard to keep your voice down but the same time say what you need to say to pass your message across; however i believe this would be a very useful skill to develop. Walk smooth like a cat...
Quote: Anyway, I'm coming back to the UK this weekend as term starts next Monday. Mum and bro will not be back till 13th August, so I have a couple of weeks to spend some quality time with my boyfriend! I'm really looking forward to it!!!
That's good enjoy your ...holiday!:biggrin:
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Utmost respect to you, vw256. You are a GOOD SON  mile: I don't suppose I will have any idea of the kind of pressure you are under. I've done a little digging around for you. I hope something here is helpful.
We don't have PFLAG in the UK (as far as I can tell, or if we do they keep a low profile), but we do have FFLAG, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays h ttp://www.fflag.org.uk/
They make reference on the site to having supported people from ethnic minority communities although their literature seems to have been translated into Hindi and Urdu only. However, that would suggest to me that they have had at least some experience of supporting Muslim families too.
http://www.parentsenquiryscotland.org/
Parents Enquiry Scotland is a voluntary organization run by parents of GBT children providing help, information and support for parents of LGBT children. They give contact details for both Strathclyde and Lothian. Since I've no idea which one would deal with enquiries from Aberdeen and I don't suppose I am allowed to share telephone numbers here, but here is their Lothian contact phone number anyway - 0 1 3 1 5 5 6 6 0 4 7. The website is oddly designed so you may have to scroll down the home page before you can access the main site and reach links to other pages. This site is interesting for its links to other people and organisations, including religious groups (albeit Christian ones).
All the best to you, your boyfriend and your family.
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spotysocks Wrote:So you could go away but you dont because it will affect you mother and brother's life. This is a very noble way to think Vw! I guess, after all she needs time and help to open her mind a little bit or at least realise that some things are not in her hand and has to let go. You make your own choices right or wrong you take responsibility of them. You grown up now.
You will have to be very gentle convincing her. I assume you know her enough to know how to press the right buttons. When conversation heats up it is really hard to keep your voice down but the same time say what you need to say to pass your message across; however i believe this would be a very useful skill to develop. Walk smooth like a cat...
That's good enjoy your ...holiday!:biggrin:
Thank you! As for 'pressing the right buttons', I'm not sure if I know how to do that. I thought i knew when I told her abt my sexuality, but I was clearly wrong. LOL. I should start learning 'catwalk' LOL!:biggrin:
Marshlander, THANK YOU SO MUCH for your help! Really appreciate it. I'll look into it, and see what help is available. In the mean time, I'll try to think of a way to get my mum to join these support groups. Btw, i should have said this earlier, but we are not a Muslim family. Although Malaysia is a muslim country, there are 3 main ethnic groups in M'sia: Chinese, Indian and Malay (the muslims). We are a chinese family, which probably made things a bit worse. LOL!
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vw256 Wrote:Shadow, I'm sorry to get you so worked up. *HUGS* Oh well, it might be a cultural thing, but my mum sees the whole thing like this: She spent a lot of money and time bringing us up, providing us with the best she could afford (I have to say, she has been a very good mother), so she thinks that it is now our duty to care for her. She probably used it to defend herself too often in the past few months that one day, I couldn't take it anymore and said 'But you are our mum, you brought us here, so you should take care of us!' She then went on about how she could have brought us up without giving us the best for everything etc. and i felt quite bad for saying what i said to her.
Oh it's not you babe - it's your mum's inability to see how horrible the repercussions of her stubbornness are ... .
I am sure that in her heart of hearts she wouldn't want to cut off her own child ... she's demonstrated her love for you in the past with, as you've said, a decent upbringing ... but if she did all that with anything less than your best interests at heart, it's made a slightly hollower experience than it ought to be ...
... I really am sorry 'coz I know I'm bashing her and I feel really bad about that so I'll stop. I'm here to help, and so that is what I ought to focus my energies on ...
... I think if you want to get her to go to an FFLAG meeting or similar, you'll have to trick her (and that could backfire) - I would be very surprised if she were willing to go, UNLESS she feels fuelled to have an argument with other mothers and fathers that are there, trying to rally them to her mindset ... if she goes in with that mentality, it might actually benefit her, as she will be immediately confronted with a load of people that are of a different mindset ... so they might be able to accept her initially, and try and show her that they once felt similar, and that *this* is a better way of looking at it ...
... I think that she's looking at the situation from a "WHY is this happening to ME and MY family ?" mentality, which is failing herself and you on TWO levels ... 1) She's viewing it all as a negative, which is wrong; and 2) She's assuming she's alone in her ... experience ... and she's wrong.
If I'm WRONG she'll incite them into a mob, and we'll have a significant problem on our hands ...
!?!?! Shadow !?!?!
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Shadow Wrote:... I think that she's looking at the situation from a "WHY is this happening to ME and MY family ?" mentality, which is failing herself and you on TWO levels ... 1) She's viewing it all as a negative, which is wrong; and 2) She's assuming she's alone in her ... experience ... and she's wrong.
WOW! You've got her spot on! LOL! That's exactly her mentality.
Anyway, something absolutely RIDICULOUS happened 10 mins ago. Her friends came over to the house and we all had some food together, which was nice. One of her friends has got a brother who can read palms apparently. He had a look at my palm and said a lot of stuff... I didn't think he was very accurate... maybe 50%? My mum told him that I have no girlfriends (without saying that I am gay) and kept asking if I will have any girlfriends in the future. He made one SUPER HUGE mistake when he said that I will have two girlfriends in future and the second one will be my wife. Mum was extremely pleased to hear that and totally fell for it. Well, the truth is, I have had two girlfriends in the past (when I was living in denial and wasn't 100% sure myself - never told mum about them). Nothing worked out... because you know why. hahahaha
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