Just feeling terrible, possible depression?

[havikryan]

Hello Hello, read quite allot of threads about the problem I think I have but I still wanted to make a thread to be sure.

First some info about me,
19years old, going to college, only ever had 1 friend and only for a year so I was always lonely not only that but also being bullied or ignored on every school, definitely bad times, on top of that having autism made everything so much worse, I for the life of me can't remember happy events but remember ALL the negative ones.

Now for my parents, divorced when I was 8 never really gotten over, after the divorce it only gotten worse, mother bad mouthing father for everything, making me choose who I love more, my mother or my father, all that definitely impacted me.

The problem:
I believe I'm depressed, for several years now I feel awfull, no motivation for anything, not getting any enjoyment from anything, and what's worse is thinking about suicide almost everyday, now I won't suicide because that would be a selfish action which would hurt others and yet I keep thinking about it.

I was actually happy a bit 3 months back, dating a guy, had quite allot of fun, then he all of a sudden started ignoring me after chatting for 2 months and having met him 5 times, I eventually moved on and decided to look for soneone else through online dating, sadly from the 4 guys I eventually dared talking to all started ignoring me, afraid the same would happen again and again I just shut down my dating account.

The threads I read were talking about therapy, going to lgbt centers, but I still don't really know what to do

[Chris]

Don't give up. I've been also bullied in lower secondary school and ended up with no friends at the age of 17. But now I'm twenty four, I have a lot of friends, a few happy relationships behind me and I'm very positive about the future. Things can change rapidly. You'll go to a new college, I think people are mature there, you can find new friends and begin a new life. Don't hesitate to look for help. I think there are many LGBT groups in the Netherlands where you can find support and maybe a boyfriend

[havikryan]

Don't give up. I've been also bullied in lower secondary school and ended up with no friends at the age of 17. But now I'm twenty four, I have a lot of friends, a few happy relationships behind me and I'm very positive about the future. Things can change rapidly. You'll go to a new college, I think people are mature there, you can find new friends and begin a new life. Don't hesitate to look for help. I think there are many LGBT groups in the Netherlands where you can find support and maybe a boyfriend

other post either failed or is in moderation, unsure so will post again

Thanks for the encouragement, I try making friends but it's quite hard for me to socialize, get very nervous but the biggest problem is that I never know what to say so converdations die off quickly.

I've tried searching for lgbt groups/centers on google, and I'm sure they exist but apparently the words I use to search don't really work because I haven't found any yet.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

have you looked to see if there is an LGBT support group within your college?

The Netherlands have been at the forefront of LGBT rights far longer than another country in Europe, and I suspect globally.

Are you out to anyone as gay yet?

None of use are medically qualified on here to provide you with a formal diagnosis. From your posting I think you have been through a few bad years, and this has knocked your confidence significantly. But at least you know you can have a relationship and enjoy yourself, even if for a short time.

My advice regarding online dating is that its fine, as long as you understand its limitations, and set yourself some rules.

I think you just need to get out and socialise more and see where that leads. May I ask if your autism impacts your life on a daily basis?

ObW
X

[havikryan]

Don't give up. I've been also bullied in lower secondary school and ended up with no friends at the age of 17. But now I'm twenty four, I have a lot of friends, a few happy relationships behind me and I'm very positive about the future. Things can change rapidly. You'll go to a new college, I think people are mature there, you can find new friends and begin a new life. Don't hesitate to look for help. I think there are many LGBT groups in the Netherlands where you can find support and maybe a boyfriend

last attempt, if this post doesn't get through I'll just wait for the moderation approval.

Thanks for the encouragement, I've tried getting friends, socialize but it's really difficult, I never know what to talk about and I get really nervous, though the biggest problem is conversations just dying out, on the very rare occasions I Do have a talk with someone it ends within a minute because I've got literally no idea what to say or talk bout.

well I've tried searching for lgbt groups/centers but it seems like my search terms are quite bad as I have not yet been able to find any, though I'm sure there are since the Netherlands is very gay/bi/ect friendly, the only ones I find are in another country.

have you looked to see if there is an LGBT support group within your college?

The Netherlands have been at the forefront of LGBT rights far longer than another country in Europe, and I suspect globally.

Are you out to anyone as gay yet?

None of use are medically qualified on here to provide you with a formal diagnosis. From your posting I think you have been through a few bad years, and this has knocked your confidence significantly. But at least you know you can have a relationship and enjoy yourself, even if for a short time.

My advice regarding online dating is that its fine, as long as you understand its limitations, and set yourself some rules.

I think you just need to get out and socialise more and see where that leads. May I ask if your autism impacts your life on a daily basis?

ObW
X

I've looked but couldn't find any lgbt groups in my college sadly.

my family knows I'm gay, most of them are supportive, brother now and then asks if I'm still sure I like men, my mother says she's fully supportive however I have heard her say multiple times she would have been disgusted by me if I were very feminine/flamboyant which makes me wonder if she actually is supportive and fine with me being gay(I'm not feminine/flamboyant btw).

I've already had the rule of no sex before 3-4-5-6 months of dating depending on the person and having SOMETHING in common.

but how do I do that? going out and socializing, I can't just randomly start talking to a stranger, I don't have the courage for that, and I don't even know where to go, I sit inside everyday(with the exception of school and fitness) so I don't even know what there is in my area.

the biggest impact autism has is being social, I've always been a wreck socially, never know when it's my turn to speak, what is and isn't appropriate to talk about and ask, never knowing what to say, the other impact autism has is sound, unless I'm talking to someone I always listen to music, if there are to many or to loud sounds I just sort of ''break down'' at which point I can hardly even do anything anymore, just sit on the ground and try to calm down.

besides that I suppose I'm a bit more childish then others of my age but I don't know if that has to do with autism.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Maybe this is somewhere to start?

http://www.meetup.com/find/?allMeetups=t...rt=default

Try google searching using "The Hague" as one of your search criteria.

And remember, it doesn't have to be gay specific. You just need to find some new social activities - which can lead to new friendships

ObW
X

[havikryan]

Searched on meetup dot com, nothing of interest, tried searching for LGBT, cooking, fitnes, lifestyle, games and socializing, with almost all of them I found nothing(as in no search results) I widened the search but I do put a limit on how far I'm willing to travel.

I will try searching with that keyword once I get home.

[southbiochem]

The threads you read are correct

SEEK THERAPY, SEEK COUNSELING, GET PROFFESIONAL HELP.

You clearly have been through A LOT and that comes with a bill.

You are already feeling suicidal. This is not time to be joking around.

Forget about dating for now, you can't think about that unless you work on yourself.

The hard part usually is recognizing you have a problem, and you have done that with us.

That's big! That's a progress right there!

[Evan88]

I agree....focus on yourself, seek for professional help & some therapy.

If you think you are damaged inside, emotionally or socially, then it is not good to put yourself out there for dates or whatnot...

Also, it is not healthy when you are in a suicidal or depressive mood and you are seeking for dates to make yourself feel better... And i'm afraid it could be a probable reason why some guys would ignore you after some talking. Maybe you told them your story? (That you have suicidal tendency and in a depressive mood...) Im afraid it is not too appealing for people to know, most especially if they are looking for serious relationships

Help yourself first dear, seek happiness without the need of romantic affection from others. Go look for friends first (not dates) who would help you pick up the pieces and be strong again. So in that case, going to lgbt center or joining some organizations/clubs would help you a lot

[havikryan]

The threads you read are correct

SEEK THERAPY, SEEK COUNSELING, GET PROFFESIONAL HELP.

You clearly have been through A LOT and that comes with a bill.

You are already feeling suicidal. This is not time to be joking around.

Forget about dating for now, you can't think about that unless you work on yourself.

The hard part usually is recognizing you have a problem, and you have done that with us.

That's big! That's a progress right there!

I will try to arrange a doctors meeting this week, if they're to busy then next week

I agree....focus on yourself, seek for professional help & some therapy.

If you think you are damaged inside, emotionally or socially, then it is not good to put yourself out there for dates or whatnot...

Also, it is not healthy when you are in a suicidal or depressive mood and you are seeking for dates to make yourself feel better... And i'm afraid it could be a probable reason why some guys would ignore you after some talking. Maybe you told them your story? (That you have suicidal tendency and in a depressive mood...) Im afraid it is not too appealing for people to know, most especially if they are looking for serious relationships

Help yourself first dear, seek happiness without the need of romantic affection from others. Go look for friends first (not dates) who would help you pick up the pieces and be strong again. So in that case, going to lgbt center or joining some organizations/clubs would help you a lot

I'll try looking for clubs or something of the sort.

never knew I was looking for dates to make myself feel better but it does make sense now that I think about it