How can I help my so extremely shy boyfriend?

[loserguy]

I agree with most of the other posters.
Yes he needs time and yes he has been so brainwashed that he still bears the scars. He does need counseling.
Sure you can try all the good things like plenty of complements, showering together, sleeping together naked, even saying that you are a little hurt but in the final analysis if the mind and body are not thinking as one, it just will not happen.
The first step would be to get him to talk and see if he can realise that he has a problem.

Good Luck!

[Cuddly]

How nice of you to ask on behalf of your love.
You sound to be JUST what he needs. As the others have stated, compliment him, touch him in a way he feels comfortable with.
If you tell him he's beautiful often enough, he will eventually believe you!

I grew up with loving parents, but hugs and kisses were rare. When my first (and only and current) boyfriend picked me up from the train when I first went to visit him, I wouldn't let him touch my knee/thigh on the way home in his car. He wanted to put his hand there, but I kindly asked him not to. He assumed it was because I had come all that way, just to find that he wasn't what I thought he'd be and regret doing so. Actually the reason was that the mere touch of his hand on my thigh was enough to get me hard. That made me feel ashamed. We've laughed about this since (I was 17 at the time, he was 47). What I'm trying to say is; intimacy is scary!! For the first time atleast.
Just keep loving him and expose him to your touches and affection. He will grow accustomed to it. I did, atleast.

I'm no psychologist and your beloved may need professional help. Any and all of what I/we have said may do more harm than good, so take it with a pinch of salt, please. Maybe what he really needs is infact counseling. But it could be no more than simple virginity.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I also suggested some kind of therapy to him, but he said he doesn't want to talk with some stranger about such things.

I realize that his parents messed up his head pretty badly, but I think he should just look at it from the logical side. I mean - if he's so ugly and stinky and bad at everything as he thinks, then why would I still be here, why would I want to make love with him? I think it's simple logic.

I'm a patient person and I love him and I'm willing to do anything to help him. I just don't know what exactly to do. When I touch him and he says he doesn't want it, I stop immediately, but maybe I should just keep doing it so that he can get used to it.....?

[Wade]

When I touch him and he says he doesn't want it, I stop immediately, but maybe I should just keep doing it so that he can get used to it.....?

No. Don't do that. No means no. Seriously... no means no. Even if the "no" in question is due to psychological abuse or is rooted in something illogical. He has to consent. He felt powerless and disgusting in the eyes of his parents (and his God), he doesn't need to feel powerless in the bedroom now either. He needs to get the point where he can choose to allow you to touch him because he's healed, and that just means you have to be understanding (which it sounds like you are), encouraging, and patient.

I ain't no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure ignoring his protests is about the worst thing you can do.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Yes, I also suggested some kind of therapy to him, but he said he doesn't want to talk with some stranger about such things.

I realize that his parents messed up his head pretty badly, but I think he should just look at it from the logical side. I mean - if he's so ugly and stinky and bad at everything as he thinks, then why would I still be here, why would I want to make love with him? I think it's simple logic.

I'm a patient person and I love him and I'm willing to do anything to help him. I just don't know what exactly to do. When I touch him and he says he doesn't want it, I stop immediately, but maybe I should just keep doing it so that he can get used to it.....?

(Sigh) I have no idea why us mad people flat refuse to seek help, but we do it consistently. I guess its just part of the territory.

And he won't seek help until he realizes he needs help.

As for the logical side. People tend to understand a thing intellecually, but that doesn't always mean they are feeling it, or understanding it emotionally. No doubt he has a lot of intellectual understanding of what is going on with him, however he does not feel it, his heart can't readily rationalize it and change.

Yes - when he says stop say 'Not yet' and keep touching him a little longer. Maybe even tell him, not until I have counted to 30, or 60 and count audibly the seconds away.

He most likely really wants you to touch him, and most likely is slowly dying to be held, so being slightly forced to accept it may satisfy something he is unable or unwilling to admit.

[Drkmcnamara]

Coming from a guy who is himself pretty damn insecure first off I would like to say how lucky he is to have a guy like you in his life, I know I for sure would love to have someone like you in mine.
Your bf sounds a lot like me though in that regard. I would imagine that I would most likely act like that too if I ever got a bf.
I would say that first and foremost that you should be patient with him. Patience is key when dealing with guys like us because each of us has had some experience I think that really damages our perception of how we see ourselves and it results in us having these self doubts.
He should do what I am doing and seek therapy for this. I know I just started myself and it will take a while for him to learn these new truths.
I know it is going to be very hard for me too since I too have been programmed to think that I am ugly and less than. It is hard cycle to break especially if you were programmed when you were so young.
I feel your bf pain and please don't give up on him!