03-02-2014, 08:48 AM
Friday morning was enough, I was having very dark thoughts, so I reached out, and my mom held my hand, and then my sister, and so I told them, not everything but most of the important things I've been swallowing up for the past eleven years, and suddenly I feel so exposed, I feel like such a loser, I'm having the kind of break downs you have when you're a teenage at my 29 years, but my mother and sister are being so very supportive, they didn't know what was going through me all of this time, my sister said is like he's brother went on a very long trip and just came back.
And so I decided to reach out to my friends after shutting them down for a long time as well, and they too held my hand, they are angry because I've always listened and supported them but never opened myself to them, and I just feel so naked, I feel like a little kid, I convinced myself I was totally alright alone, that as the pillar of support of my parents I had to shut my feelings and needs because they were more important, I somehow functioned like this for eleven years, shutting down every possible person that could mean so much to me because they could crack my walls and make me weak and I can't be weak, and I feel so weak right now...
But also I feel lighter, I feel hope, I feel I can finally say I want to be loved. Wow. Even just writing it feels weird. I've been so alone for the past years, letting very very little people see inside me, just glimpses, there's oh so very much I haven't said yet, but I find it so hard to tell, I feel ashamed, ashamed of telling, ashamed of waiting so much for reaching out, and there's so much going on, because my parents needs me so much right now I feel like a failure for dumping this on their plates, I want to thought it out and run to meet their needs again, but I can't, I've been barely sleeping two hours for the past month, I've no energy, no appetite, I finding myself entertaining thoughts of wanting to fall sick, of wanting to be in an accident so I could have an excuse to lay down and rest, to let someone else take care.
Sigh,it's just all so tangled, relief, remorse, hope, low esteem, peace, vulnerability, shame.
But I did it.
And so I decided to reach out to my friends after shutting them down for a long time as well, and they too held my hand, they are angry because I've always listened and supported them but never opened myself to them, and I just feel so naked, I feel like a little kid, I convinced myself I was totally alright alone, that as the pillar of support of my parents I had to shut my feelings and needs because they were more important, I somehow functioned like this for eleven years, shutting down every possible person that could mean so much to me because they could crack my walls and make me weak and I can't be weak, and I feel so weak right now...
But also I feel lighter, I feel hope, I feel I can finally say I want to be loved. Wow. Even just writing it feels weird. I've been so alone for the past years, letting very very little people see inside me, just glimpses, there's oh so very much I haven't said yet, but I find it so hard to tell, I feel ashamed, ashamed of telling, ashamed of waiting so much for reaching out, and there's so much going on, because my parents needs me so much right now I feel like a failure for dumping this on their plates, I want to thought it out and run to meet their needs again, but I can't, I've been barely sleeping two hours for the past month, I've no energy, no appetite, I finding myself entertaining thoughts of wanting to fall sick, of wanting to be in an accident so I could have an excuse to lay down and rest, to let someone else take care.
Sigh,it's just all so tangled, relief, remorse, hope, low esteem, peace, vulnerability, shame.
But I did it.
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