Opinions on porn viewing in a relationship.

[jyang913]

So my boyfriend recently told me of his porn collection. We don't live together, we both watch porn separately of course and our sex life is okay I guess. But the thing is that sometimes he has trouble getting hard when I am trying to stimulate him. I know all men are different but is it weird that when it's my last day at his place we would not do anything but when I get home he's online on his porn account masturbating?

He has a lot of porn downloaded and saved on his computer and he has shown me some. But it surprised me how much he had. There's a time for porn I understand, but is it weird that he is so attached to his porn collection that it could cause unexpected lack of intimacy in real situations?

He spends hours on end looking at porn and downloading porn just about every night. Every guy watch porn I understand that but it seems he rather maturbate to these videos then do things with me. He seems to be very attached to some of these videos as well, and said that he wants to download and keep them so he can view it anywhere when he doesn't have access to internet porn. Granted that's not always the case, he does try but sometimes he just can't get hard. I read an article on how being attached to virtual expectations of porn can mess with the real thing. Any thoughts on this?

[Chris]

I think that pornography is one big shit. I got rid of it two months ago and I'm much better. However, I've never watched porn movies frequently. Maybe once or twice a week so your boyfriend seems to be addicted. It's the same addiction as alcohol, drugs or tabacco and it can ruin your relationship. I didn't feel like having sex with my ex bf, I preferred hard sex than romantic one and only fast, apart from an orgasm I felt no pleasure. These are some results. I don't know what to advise you but definately your bf has a problem.

[VileKyle]

I agree with Krzysztof on one level. Porn addiction is definitely a problem, just like the other addictions he listed. Porn isn't always a bad thing, and I personally have no problem with anyone watching it regularly. Sometimes it can even be a good thing in certain situations. It just sounds like your boyfriend has come to the level of porn use that has turned it into an addiction to him. If it is getting in the way of his personal and relationship life, he really needs to learn to set it aside. You should talk to him about it and tell him how it makes you feel and what your worries are. Request that he stops using it as a replacement for you at the very least.

[partis]

Not EVERY guy watches porn, i dont like watching 2 ugly guys that i dont know bumming each other and whats worse is a lot of time they are not even gay and just see it as a job… no thanks, i dont want a straight guy pretending to be gay and once again porn stars are ugly and weird looking, i never understsnd why gay porn has such ugly motherfuckers even the twinks are not real twinks and are straight and there always fucking each other, taking turns like bezzie mates not a gay top & bottom and theyve ALWAYS got SPOTTY ARSES!

[VileKyle]

Not EVERY guy watches porn, i dont like watching 2 ugly guys that i dont know bumming each other and whats worse is a lot of time they are not even gay and just see it as a job… no thanks, i dont want a straight guy pretending to be gay and once again porn stars are ugly and weird looking, i never understsnd why gay porn has such ugly motherfuckers even the twinks are not real twinks and are straight and there always fucking each other, taking turns like bezzie mates not a gay top & bottom and theyve ALWAYS got SPOTTY ARSES!

For someone who doesn't watch porn, you sure know a lot about it

[partis]

Yeah i was aware of that discrepency but its true ive seen it only a handfulll of times and it never done anything for me and i saw this documentary once about gay porns stars in the US, they are all straight!

[MisterTinkles]

THERAPY for him comes to mind.

He is obsessed with it for some reason, which is a sign of him not being able to "perform" much in real life with another person.

Therapy, or at the very least a sex counselor.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

If its a choice of him watching porn or cheating on me, I know what Id rather have!

ObW
x

[Woollyhats]

Over time, porn can impede sex by creating unrealistic expectations, it's fully possible that he actually prefers the porn to sex with you... or, well, anybody if he's behaviourally addicted to it, or shall we say obsessed - since it's not established as an addiction yet.

Obviously talk to him about it, but know it's unlikely that you can get him to stop porn use. But feel free to tell him how it's making you feel --- he'll care about that aspect if he's a good boyfriend.

Porn use is normally benign, but it might be a problem... I can't tell without knowing you two very well, so you're going to have to talk about this and make the right decisiions..

[Bowyn Aerrow]

In moderation is isn't a problem, to me, if my BF watches and jerks off to porn. Especially in an LTR where both people share a bed and life, the horrible thing that interferes with living, makes it less than managable for us to be at the same state libedo wise, or have enough energy at night to do more than lay down and go to sleep to get some rest before the alarm clock announces another day at the grind stone.

Life happens, and the longer you are with a person the more life happens. And men have highs and lows in their libido and two men will discover that their cycles of up and down most likely won't be meshing as much as they may desire/want.

Porn with couples viewed together can be an interesting thing, it can give the couple new things to try/do, it can help boost interest in sex.

One of my past partners had this fantasy of us reenacting every movie he owned together (except the orgy scenes). And this was back in the day of VHS tapes and he had a very large collection which he proudly displayed it the bedroom.

We tried.... unfortunately our relationship had other issues to it, for instance I would learn that he preferred to talk with his fists and apparently wanted to talk a lot.... So we never achieved the final goal there....

However I learned a few things via his porn collection... Did I say few? He was the second man I was with willingly... so I learned a lot.

Porn in a relationship can be a useful tool, can lead to more intimacy and more fun. It can be a 'safe' way to express what it is we really do like, and where our interests lie. We live in a world were talking honestly about sex is still frowned upon, so a lot of people have trouble voicing their inmost dark secrets when it comes to sex even with their mate.

In the case as you outlined it, I would suggest that you take an interest in his hobby, and ask him to introduce you to his 'world' of interests.

Allow him to grow his collection, but tell him point blank that since he has you to satisfy certain needs he isn't allowed to jerk off to porn as often as he once did... Instead you would prefer for him to watch it, get 'hungry' and then rely on you to satisfy that hunger.

This is a compromise here, one which may be difficult for him to do - at first....

If you have the relationship where you are more in charge, perhaps ordering him to do certain things like finding specific types of porn will satisfy his need for porn, while increasing his need for you....

I have no idea how long he has been single, but becoming overly attached to porn when single - due to how sad and really unsatisfying masturbation really is beyond the temporary relief of cleaning out the plumbing - is pretty common now days since it is so easy to find.

Since he has shown you some of his porn, he may be wanting to get you involved with his hobby, might even be like that partner of mine who wanted to reenact every movie he had with a partner, but our BF may be embarrassed to actually ask.