I know what I am gonna have to do

[Drkmcnamara]

After reading everyone's responses here to my own feelings I think the real reason why I am so messed up is because I am severly depressed. But everyone on here seems to think like I am doing nothing about that and all I do is just complain and seek attention. While I may do that here in real life no one even has a clue that I am so sad and lonely like this. So in a real sense this place has kinda been my emotional dumping ground because I hide and repress so much emotions in my real life instead of just letting me express them.
Well it is high time that I quit crying on here too and shape up. No one is going to love me if I constantly show my feelings in such a careless manner. The truth is right now that I am a failure and an overall unloveabld person. I am going to have to change that and become the guy that is accepted and loved. I realized that my want really is not for romantic love so much as it is I want to be valued and accepted by anyone really. So instead of sitting on my ass and moping I am going to on a campaign to not be a failure and be the guy that is loved and wanted. That means me having to be Mr.Perfect. I have to quit fucking up and bring control back in my life. I know that is what you all have pretty much told me and now I am going to take it to heart. Thanks for telling me the truth that right now I am a pathetic unlovable depressive wreck and from where things stand now I am undeserving of love. I can use that and my desire to want to be loved to motivate me into doing the things I need to do to go from pathetic and unloved to admired and valued. Until then however no ones is gonna want to be my friend or give me a hug when I need it so I will let my desire to want to have those be my motivation.

[Drkmcnamara]

How do I delete this?

[driftwood]

You may have failed at some things. You may even have failed at many things. But I don't think you can call yourself "a failure" after learning to speak, read and write Mandarin Chinese, and do it well enough that you were asked to translate documents into English. You need to take your entire self into consideration before passing blanket judgements on yourself. You also said in another post that you have other interests. I suspect other accomplishments. Lets hear about some of them.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I seriously doubt you are the failure you think you are. That is most likely the depression talking and not really you.

I am usually loath to make this suggestion to anyone because so often the person starts on this 'self improvement' kick then they get all full of themselves and do wild and crazy things like turn to using drugs to manage weight, using steroids and other 'supplements' to build muscle mass.

You seem to believe that more people will like you or love you if you change yourself. I disagree on that, and firmly believe someone is out there who will love and like you just the way you are.

However, since this self image thing is one of those few places you really can take control and actually affect change, I'm going to suggest that you start doing something along the lines of changing your life style to improve your body image/self image.

I think that with depression being able to find something we can control in our life empowers us to fight back at depression and in doing so win in many ways over it.

I will stress this now: I'm not by any means suggesting you go all drastic and seek to get down to twink size, or go crazy at a gym and seek to be the next man who blows out his biceps. There are many minor adjustments to diet, and adding more exercise to ones life to improve overall fitness.

Little things may actually amount to a huge over all change in your outlook about your life. It is merely a suggestion and I can't guarantee a mood change along with it.

And I have said before, and I'm saying it again, you need professional help. I would rather you see the advice and help of a therapist, one who can help you to deal with 'this stuff' and who can give you a more professional, medical opinion on such things as if you need medication to go with therapy to deal with depression.

[southbiochem]

First, you can't delete a thread, nuuuu...

Second, if the "emotional dumping" helped you in anyway, then there is no harm done.

Third, you just made a very mature decision. Feel proud of yourself. From where you were, feeling suicidal, that a MAJOR improvement

Fourth, I remember your intro. You stated and named some qualities of yours. Meaning, even at your worst you can still recognize there are positive aspesct about you.

Remember that and go through with counseling, therapy, anything that can help you!

[CarGuy65]

I have been wondering what happened to you. Glad your still here! Believe me ,I was where you are at now pretty much with the whole story. Things turned around for me a little more than a year ago and it started with a more positive attitude and I found someone who accepted me for who and what I am. I feel strongly that it will also happen for you but it does take time. Always look at the positives in yourself and it will eventually occur to you that you have a lot going for you. I wish there was a way that we could chat off line but I am technologically challenged and don't know how. I have a few things ( many similarities) to tell you that may help you. I wish you the best. Most of all stay positive.....good things happen when you least expect it!!! Paul

[Woollyhats]

You can't delete a thread, I learned this when I made a dumb anonymous post, whoopsie (but at least I had a bag over my face hehe).

And besides, this thread is very positive, in that you realize you have some control over your perception towards life, and that you want it to be a good one.

A small issue: You will never meet, or be, Mr. Perfect. It won't happen, you will always make mistakes, and have challenges. You will fail. Believe that you can learn from struggles, and do learn from them --- that's what makes you a better person.

And a bigger issue: You aren't pathetic because of the problems you're going through. We're all human, we all have weaknesses and things to work on. Being aware enough to see that you have issues makes you that much more impressive than most people that will never do so.

If possible; I really hope you work through your issues with a counsellor. If not possible, I believe you can learn the skills and methods needed to work through a lot of your problems as is (I'm aware that health care is...complicated in the USA.). But if you're in school, I imagine you have access to mental health services. You're obviously self aware, and that's a major asset in any problem you're ever going to have.

Lastly: You deserve and can choose happiness. Obviously, if a favourite pet dies, life changes happen that are negative, etc., you'll be stressed and unhappy, but try to always look for the good side in everything.

I thought to mention the point about happiness because of something Londoner (another GS member) posted today, about the regrets of people who are in the process of naturally passing on, as told by a caring nurse. One of these regrets was that many patients realized that they can choose to allow themselves to be happy, and wonder that they didn't do so. http://collectivelyconscious.net/article...-deathbed/

Honestly believe this is possible for you; even if you see a counsellor and discover medical problems, I hope you never give up on that.

If you take nothing else from this though: I will bet my money on one thing: You are absolutely not the failure you think you are. There are things about you that are good that no one gets to see, I hope that you are selfish, and start noticing and being proud of them. It's okay to love yourself.

[MisterTinkles]

Okay, so now what?

You've "hit bottom" apparently, so what are YOU going to DO about it in order to get to the top?

Get mad, get even, get what you want.

You now have to figure out how to kick yourself in the ass and make yourself go get what you want in life.

Sitting there writing posts and threads about it does nothing for you.

Whats the saying????
Shit or get off the pot.

[Drkmcnamara]

I know I have what it takes inside me to be a very successful person in life. I have to realize that just because life has given me a few curve balls and road bumps along the way does not mean that I have failed or hit bottom. All of that is just a part of life. Some things were never meant to be, like the job that I was competing for which I only wanted because it paid well and had a lot of prestige attached to it. I have let the overachiver in me rule over how I have been living my life ever since I was a teen. Sure as a teen it was because of that attitude I had that led me to do achieve great things and to be able to go to University on scholarship but the old way of me thinking and doing things has not been working for me lately. Now I need to develop a new philosophy on how I live my life and pursue what is it in this world that I truly value. The more I am having to really ask myself those questions has me waking up to the stark realization that I do not really know myself as well I thought I did. I am truly beginning to see how much I have let others people's opinions rule my life and of how it basically influenced me to go pursue things that I knew was not what I wanted to do (i.e. Not too long ago I was a business major because of how much my parents dissapproved my desire to want to have a major in History) which as a result had lots of negative consequences for me (Again such as low grades and lack of interest in my business classes). I realize that I have to not let anyone's opinon be the deciding factor when it comes to how I want to live my life. I am an adult now and I can make my own decisions. Ultimately it is my life and I am going to have to live with whatever choices I make. If I would have continued to follow what my parents wanted for me I would have failed out of college because I hated what I was studying, my heart was not in being a business student. So yea, I might have had quite a few set backs but I am also becoming more of an adult now because of them too. Imagine if I did pull off graduating business school and doing something I hated or was indifferent about. I would not be good company that is for sure.

[MisterTinkles]

Who says you are limited to just learning ONE thing?
Learn what your parents want you to learn AND learn what YOU want to learn!

I've talked to a highly skilled professional Professor one time. Her Masters was in computer science....but she did not limit herself to just one thing.........she had BA's for music, culinary arts, and history.

NEVER limit yourself.

Learn all that is learnable.
Know all that is knowable.
Because you are the ONLY one who can take care of you.
The more you know, the more you grow, the less you depend on others.