Dating someone who isn't my crush

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,

So, I have a silly little dilemma... this guy asked me out to dinner, and I accepted. However, I've also had my eyes on someone else for a while, and this "someone else"... lemme just say he's adorable and I would love to date him but I haven't had a chance to approach him yet, and there's always the possibility that I'll get denied.

So, should I just go through with it even though I really don't feel anything toward this guy who asked me out? I'm trying to look for reasons to date him; he seems nice and we're in similar situations, but he already seems fragile and I'm afraid I might hurt him if I feel like things aren't going anywhere.

Also, I'll admit that I have trouble seeing past looks... looks are weird for me, I'm not into body-builders or supermodels, but some people really just strike me as attractive for reasons that I don't understand. For example, my "crush" who I talked about earlier is somewhat chubby, but his face, especially his eyes, really just blow me away... and his general air is so happy, I consider actions to be related to looks, they influence your appearance a lot.

The guy who asked me out, he's reasonable, but not someone who I would chase after. But he approached me... and I don't really know too much about his personality just yet.

What do you think?

[MisterTinkles]

If you are looking for shallow and vain reasons to date someone, then by all means, cut out all contact with this current guy and ask this other guy out.

If you are looking for someone of substance, then give this guy a chance. If this is your first "date", then you can explain to him that, as you think he's a nice guy and would like to get to know him, your sites are set on another at this time......as you are not in a position to make any promises or commitments at this time.

One thing I have learned in my life so far, is that "pretty people" come with a price. That "price" can be anything from a TON of "baggage" to having to deal with their overcompensation's, aggression's, stupidity, vanity, or expectations of them expecting everyone else to "serve" them.

I once had a BF who was physically perfect in every way. Very much a "model" type.......but he has SO much baggage that he dragged everywhere with him, it was just impossible to have anything real with him.

You have to figure out what you want from someone else............good looks or good heart. They rarely ever come in the same package.

[driftwood]

I have a silly little dilemma...

What's silly is that you see it as a dilemma. Go out, have fun, see what happens. Do you need to be faithful to your crush, even though he isn't even aware that he's your crush. You haven't even dated either one of them. The dilemma will come in once you have dated both of them, and you find out your crush wants an open relationship, and the other guy wants exclusive.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I can't tell you what you should do.

I can tell you with 98.67% certainty that this isn't going to end well.

And because I am a mean, prickly sort of asshole who apparently loves to wreck people with blunt honesty and truths... I will now plane your arse for a little while...

YOU are setting Mr. Dater up for a larger rejection here.

Look that feeling of rejection you have with Mr. Physically Attractive that prevents you from growing a pair and taking a chance, well Mr. Dater just struggled with that when it came to you, and when you said yes to a date, you gave him a green light, you gave him hope.

And from what you said you gave him false hope.

That will be mean and vicious and malicious at the end of this date, or which ever date you take this to because you are 'scared' and unwilling to be honest with people for whatever reason, when you finally do decide to tell him - "I'm not that into you" you are going to do more damage than had you simply said 'I am flattered, however I'm not interested in dating at this time'.

There are many, many, many players out there in the scene. Honestly a lot of guys play this 'lead them on game' for whatever reward it gives. A lot of other guys sit there at home alone coming to this forum or others telling us how hard it is to find a decent fellow to date and each every one of them has their horror stories of guys who played them.

The typical play is that a guy shows interest, then ends up being a coward and running way. Me thinks that a lot of those cases its a person who, like you, is unable to face truth and unable to say no, thus lead a guy on then dash his hopes to the ground later.

Don't be a player - Ever. It is wrong.

but he already seems fragile

That is the pot calling the kettle black, and to be honest with you he has already demonstrated that he is hella of a lot stronger than you and far less fragile than you believe.

He has balls, he has strength of character, and he is courageous. How do I know, because facing the possibility of rejection he still asked you out for a date.

Something which you apparently struggle with when it comes to your love interests.

I hate to tell you this, but the only weak one in this scenario is you. YOU are fragile, so fragile that you come up with a lot of reasons to place blame on others, to justify being too weak to say to say no, too weak to ask the guy who are interested in out.

Now go, consider your arse planed.

[southbiochem]

^What he said.

So, in my opinion, you already said yes. So, get on that date and see what happens, you never know.

If it goes well, you go from there. If it doesn't, be honest and tell him that. And then perhaps be brave and ask the guy you like!

[loserguy]

I agree with Bowyn Arrow. This will not end well for the guy who asked you out.

Unfortunately in life we cannot choose who we love. For most of us though love is a gradual process and you have to be prepared to give people a chance and work at it in order to arrive at the point where you are in love.

From your point of view if you feel that this guy will not do it for you, then you should tell him gently. If you feel he may do it for you, you should still refuse but arrange it maybe for another time if possible. That may sound stupid but if you are serious about your crush, you will explore that avenue first.
You may click or you may end up with neither but being with one and having an eye on someone else is not fair to either your date or yourself.
As I see it though, if someone asked me out and I were single and I thought he were ok I would go for it as more than likely the picture you have of the other guy may be nothing more than fantasy? Whatever decision you make, just ensure you don't have regrets.

But to each his own :-)

[Woollyhats]

Bowyn Arrow has a lot of points worth considering, even if they make you feel uncomfortable.

Listen, if you don't like someone, you really have no business dating them. Imagine if your crush dated you, and then revealed that you were just distracting him until a much hotter guy noticed him?

No one likes being second best.

I'm not saying not to date this guy, but I am saying to really consider that you should date one guy at a time, and be seriously invested in making that indivdiaul relationship work. Otherwise, it simply is not going to.

You shouldn't settle; because you don't want someone you don't like, and as much as someone with a crush on you is going to want you to be with them, settling for them isn't really what they're going to want either. They want the real thing.

And you should have the real thing; for you, and for your partner.

[driftwood]

... you should date one guy at a time, and be seriously invested in making that indivdiaul relationship work...

That depends on what is meant by "date." People can meet each other, go out, get to know each other, maybe even do a little kissing without investing themselves in that individual. Once it moves beyond that, then the rules change, but as it stands now, you don't really know anything about either of these guys, so you don't know if a relationship with either one is even what you want. You might find out they're both slugs, so all this obsessing has been pointless.

[dfiant]

I think you should pull out of the date with the guy that has asked you out.

He is too good for you and you are only going to hurt him, that's a given.

For some reason I would rather watch you persue your crush and get turned down. I think this is the only way you are going to learn that you are in fact rather shallow.

[Anonymous]

I think you should pull out of the date with the guy that has asked you out.

He is too good for you and you are only going to hurt him, that's a given.

For some reason I would rather watch you persue your crush and get turned down. I think this is the only way you are going to learn that you are in fact rather shallow.

Ok, you're right. I've been on both ends of this type of situation before, and I really should know better, I was being selfish and I wasn't thinking.

Please no more comments on this thread, I understand what I did wrong and I want to put this behind me.