My boyfriend is too strong

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend and me, we're together for a year and these are my longest relationships ever. Everything would be very nice, he's wonderful but there's something that's bothering me a bit. My boyfriend is a professional athlete, he's doing karate, judo and boxing, he's also a teacher and coach to amateurs.

The thing is that sometimes he's not aware that he's much more stronger than I am. Sometimes he hugs me so tightly that he hurts me. When I ask him to be gentler, he always apologizes. When we're making love, he gets carried away with passion and I do too and often I don't feel him gripping me too tightly, but the next morning I've bruises all over my skin. I get bruised very easily, maybe that's because my blood vessels are fragile, I just have to have a slight hit and I'll be black and blue, let alone strong grip. When my mother saw some of these, she got scared and asked me if my boyfriend is hitting me. She didn't really believe when I said no.

I realize he's not doing that purposely and he's terrified when he sees what he has unwillingly done to me. He says that maybe that happens because from day to day he's working with strong and tough athletes and it's hard for him to get used to someone who's not so tough. We even laughed that I'm probably too soft for him.

Anyway, maybe it wouldn't even bother me so much, but other people, like my family, start to think he's abusing me. We have to do something about it. Any suggestions?

[Woollyhats]

Would the direct route work? I mean, quietly take your mom aside, and say, "I know what this looks like, but my boyfriend is very strong and accidently gripped me too hard during sex.". It would be very awkward but hopefully end the worry.

Also, if your boyfriend does accidently leave a bruise, when you're going to visit someone like your parents, you could wear long sleeves to cover it.

That said, I feel like he shouldn't be hurting you, have some sort of trigger word for if he is ever hurting you during sex. Should you say said word, he'll know to stop immediately. This advice is usually given to people who are intentionally hurting each other/being rough during sex... but I don't see why it can't be used for someone that frequently is hurting someone by accident. Obviously getting him to be gentle will help over time, he might find he likes being gentle and slower too.

[HumbleTangerine]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think the story is kind of cute

You could always explain the situation to the ones who think he's abusing you.

I don't think there's much you can do to solve the problem except having him get used to the idea of not getting carried away. You could try to move at a very slow, gentle and careful pace when you're intimate and make sure not to go overboard. Get him used to it somehow and he'll learn not to be so unintentionally rough.

[driftwood]

We all sometimes do stuff like that in the heat of passion, but when someone's actually getting bruised, it's time to learn some control.

I used to know a guy who, whenever he danced with his wife, had to be careful not to knock her over. Big guy, 6 foot 4, 2 hundred & some odd. Ne never knocked her over after the first time because he learned to be careful. Your boyfriend needs to do likewise.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I have partnered with guys who were strong, and only for the rare occasion in bed when things got just a wee bit carried away there wasn't much in the way of accidental bruising. Roughness and creaking ribs and a wee bit of pain occasionally, yes - bruising not that often.

Your partner needs to start gauging his own strength and needs to start compensating. And from what my previous partners have reported on their experience when they want to hug, they want to draw you so close to them that they will tend to use all their might. So being gently reminded that yes you want to become one with your partner as much as they, but physics insists two bodies cannot exist in the same spacial coordinates without explosive results.

As for easily bruising, you need to see a doctor about that. At one time I was anemic and would bruise if anyone looked at me hard. A few blood tests were taken, and a vitamin deficiency was discovered, and steps were taken to get me past that hump. Assuming you are a young man in general good health, then easy bruising/bleeding is most likely a vitamin issue and being put on supplements may actually do the trick.

However there are other sides to this which are serious enough that a doctor should be consisted FIRST. And Mom figures in with that (see below)

Woolyhats alludes to what the BDSM folk would call a 'safe-word'. In scene (sex) a word or short phrase is used instead of 'ow' or 'ouch' or 'stop' or all the plethora of other words that may indicate you want to stop in usual circumstances, but in this circumstance you really don't want that to happen.

So a phrase like 'Orange Marmalade' is used as a key word to signify you really want what is happening to stop. Mind only works in scenes where Orange Marmalade is NOT a prop.

I would suggest you two sit down and come up with a 'safe word' If you are into rougher sex then use it. If not, then he is going to have to learn to hear 'ouch' and 'ow' as being signs that he needs to tone it down a notch.


Mother: Well go to the doctor and discover why it is you bruise easily. Since minor hits also do the same thing, then this is a medical problem and mom will most likely be more at ease if you have a doctor diagnosing you and treating you for a medical problem.

[loserguy]

If he is hurting you he needs to be aware of it.
As for people who ask, you should just reply: no. You do not need to elaborate as it is personal and private.
Should you start discussing your private details it can give them ammunition to interfere in the future and I do not see any positives in that.

Good Luck.

[synonymous]

Take up Judo and Karate as well?

It'd be a nice thing to do together and sooner or later you'll be giving
him unintentional bruises ;]

[BabyPolarBear]

Say for every bruise you have say "that's a week of celibacy i hope it was worth it" and you'll see just how genital he can be.

[Anonymous]

"Take up Judo and Karate as well?

It'd be a nice thing to do together and sooner or later you'll be giving
him unintentional bruises ;]"

Unfortunately I'm too clumsy for it. My boyfriend actually offered me it and I tried taking karate for a while, however after times and time of falling right on my nose, I decided it's not worth it

[princealbertofb]

Put on some padding? Put a cushion between you when you're hugging or having sex.... ?