hi everybody
03-08-2014, 12:46 AM
Hi folks,
My name's Luke, I'm a 31 year old gay guy from Australia. When I was a teenager in the late 90's, I spent a lot of time on gay forums. But in the years since, I fell out of the habit for some reason. Recent events in my life have left me feeling very isolated so I decided it would be prudent to try and talk to some other folks online.
It's a long, complicated story.. but basically, I have been in love with my best friend since I was a teenager. His name is Phil. And because of this, I have worked myself into a very painful and troubling situation. We went to high school together. I developed a crush on him when I was 15 or so, and gazed longingly at him in secret for a few years. Quite apart from this, we became really good friends. At around the age of 18 or so, I admitted to him I was gay and that I was attracted to him. He replied that while he was straight, he was cool with it.. "I'm nothing but flattered", he said. Well, one thing lead to another and before long he started to let me perform oral sex on him. It was, of course, amazing! After so many years of having a crush on him, suddenly we were doing things together. It was mostly of the one sided variety.. only he could initiate it, and it'd be me doing things to him, etc. But it happened every few days, and as time passed, he became much more affectionate towards me when we were doing it.
It wasn't long before I fell head over heels in love with him. He would occasionally get together with girls, which of course I hated, but he'd always end up back with me. The thing was, we were (and still are) best friends. The physical aspect lasted for about 4 years, then he put a stop to it. But we remained close and cuddly, and he never got a girlfriend. Years went by, and although it was never discussed, it felt like we were still more than friends.. deep companions. We'd lived together with other housemates for several years, and neither of us had many other close friends.
Several months ago, I had a blow-up with my father. Essentially he rejected me when I finally came out to him. He's a John Wayne, man's man type of guy. Hurt, I turned to Phil, who was very supportive. Around the same time, he started to see a girl he'd met online, and was spending more and more time away. We talked about it, and he was shocked to learn that I was still so in love with him. He reminded me that he was always straight, and that he'd hoped I'd gotten over my feelings for him. He loves me dearly as a friend, but kept saying that "I have to live my life".
I love him more than words can say, so naturally I want him to be happy. But I find myself slipping into a deep depression about it. I guess because he'd stayed single for so long I'd assumed there was still something more to our relationship, that maybe he would get close to me again.. but it was never going to happen. I can't stop thinking about him with that girl, and I keep remembering how he felt in my arms, how right it felt to be close to him. And because we live together, it's in my face every day. But I have nowhere else to go at the moment due to my precarious financial situation.
I know I have to accept the situation and try to move beyond and through it, but I feel really heartbroken and hopeless about it, have been drinking way too much and all that. I want him so badly, I've been attached to him for so many years, he hung the moon as far as my heart is concerned. I'm also extremely attracted to him physically.
Anyway, sorry for the rant, just needed to get some of that out! I'm sure I'm not the first gay guy to work himself into a painful situation with a straight friend. Would love to hear from any others who have been where I am.
Thank you for reading... Much love to all.
Luke.
My name's Luke, I'm a 31 year old gay guy from Australia. When I was a teenager in the late 90's, I spent a lot of time on gay forums. But in the years since, I fell out of the habit for some reason. Recent events in my life have left me feeling very isolated so I decided it would be prudent to try and talk to some other folks online.
It's a long, complicated story.. but basically, I have been in love with my best friend since I was a teenager. His name is Phil. And because of this, I have worked myself into a very painful and troubling situation. We went to high school together. I developed a crush on him when I was 15 or so, and gazed longingly at him in secret for a few years. Quite apart from this, we became really good friends. At around the age of 18 or so, I admitted to him I was gay and that I was attracted to him. He replied that while he was straight, he was cool with it.. "I'm nothing but flattered", he said. Well, one thing lead to another and before long he started to let me perform oral sex on him. It was, of course, amazing! After so many years of having a crush on him, suddenly we were doing things together. It was mostly of the one sided variety.. only he could initiate it, and it'd be me doing things to him, etc. But it happened every few days, and as time passed, he became much more affectionate towards me when we were doing it.
It wasn't long before I fell head over heels in love with him. He would occasionally get together with girls, which of course I hated, but he'd always end up back with me. The thing was, we were (and still are) best friends. The physical aspect lasted for about 4 years, then he put a stop to it. But we remained close and cuddly, and he never got a girlfriend. Years went by, and although it was never discussed, it felt like we were still more than friends.. deep companions. We'd lived together with other housemates for several years, and neither of us had many other close friends.
Several months ago, I had a blow-up with my father. Essentially he rejected me when I finally came out to him. He's a John Wayne, man's man type of guy. Hurt, I turned to Phil, who was very supportive. Around the same time, he started to see a girl he'd met online, and was spending more and more time away. We talked about it, and he was shocked to learn that I was still so in love with him. He reminded me that he was always straight, and that he'd hoped I'd gotten over my feelings for him. He loves me dearly as a friend, but kept saying that "I have to live my life".
I love him more than words can say, so naturally I want him to be happy. But I find myself slipping into a deep depression about it. I guess because he'd stayed single for so long I'd assumed there was still something more to our relationship, that maybe he would get close to me again.. but it was never going to happen. I can't stop thinking about him with that girl, and I keep remembering how he felt in my arms, how right it felt to be close to him. And because we live together, it's in my face every day. But I have nowhere else to go at the moment due to my precarious financial situation.
I know I have to accept the situation and try to move beyond and through it, but I feel really heartbroken and hopeless about it, have been drinking way too much and all that. I want him so badly, I've been attached to him for so many years, he hung the moon as far as my heart is concerned. I'm also extremely attracted to him physically.
Anyway, sorry for the rant, just needed to get some of that out! I'm sure I'm not the first gay guy to work himself into a painful situation with a straight friend. Would love to hear from any others who have been where I am.
Thank you for reading... Much love to all. Luke.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Capricorn
to GS Luke.
![[Image: 51806835273_f5b3daba19_t.jpg]](https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51806835273_f5b3daba19_t.jpg)
