Well, I was going to post anonymously, but what the hell.
Basically, about four years ago, I dated a guy and we were together for about four months. During the last month, though, he started getting more and more aggressive about sex. I told him that it was too early, that I didn't want it, and that we both needed more time. I was a virgin. He said that it was being selfish on my part and that I wasn't giving him what he wanted, and so on and so forth. During our last few weeks together, we would meet up and I would allow him to kind of explore me while I lay naked on the bed. On our last night together, a lot of things happened that I can't fully remember. What I do remember is that, as it got closer to midnight and we were getting ready to fall asleep, he brought five friends over and I remember being totally passive out of fear as they took turns touching, grabbing, and raping me. At the end, my boyfriend said something along the lines of, "This is what you deserve" and then they all left and never came back.
After that, I went through a fairly deep depression. Everything about me was completely erased. I lost all attraction to men and went through a long period where I wondered if I was asexual. I also have a history of anxiety and eating disorders and those flared up significantly.
I am now at a point in my life where I have been really trying to get back to who I used to be. I have started to consider dating again. However, I have a really hard time with physical contact of any sort. Even a hug from a family member feels too much. I kind of find myself afraid when talking to a guy. I used to love the idea of letting my partner take control, but every time I even think about that, I get flashbacks. My mind seemingly can't separate assertiveness from aggression.
Basically, to make this shorter, if anyone has gone through something like this, were you able to eventually start being in relationships again? If so, how? Should I even be thinking about relationships now?
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I think it is very important to get a psychological counseling. You have to talk about the rape with a psychlogist ... to learn how to deal with the rape and to get ready for a new relationship.... I think You are currently much too suspicious and hurt to start a new relationship
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My experiences delve into the "ancient past" my childhood.... Lots of stuff took place which wasn't nice.
I can relate to the generalities of having ones power taken from them, to being helpless to defend yourself, to the horror of violation and the complex emotions it brings when one considers the event.
You most likely have PTSD, you have triggers which cause flashbacks, you have depression and anxiety issues. You have this inability to recall parts of this 'event' which is, most likely, your brain doing its best to protect itself from things it is not yet ready to deal with.
Unlike you, I can't even begin to write down a general 'this is what happened'. I can't face it that well. You ability to even put down any aspect of that event is a huge step toward acceptance and moving on.
Since you are able to sit there and contemplate your readiness to date considering 'this thing' that hangs over your head tells me that you are ready to start working on the event and what it has done to you.
I would strongly urge you to seek professional counseling to work through all of 'that stuff' that attended that event.
Mind, I have been in 6 relationships since 'the ancient days'. I still have issues, I hate strangers touching me... I do, however, really enjoy cuddling, hugging, snuggling with a person I trust (A partner). There are a lot of things I will do in bed, and some things I flat refuse to do because they trigger me....
I cannot tell you when and what will happen for you in future. In some ways you are way ahead of me in this 'dealing with' it, because you are able to publicly say what happened. In others I see a bit of a struggle ahead...
Your outcome is going to be based on what you are willing and able to do to learn how to cope with and work with this event and the emotional damage it has done.
I'm not going to kid you and say you will be fully cured. There is a good chance that much of what you are going to can have its impact greatly lessened. A therapist can help you isolate your triggers and come up with a 'tool set' that you can use to make it through flashbacks and reduce their sting.
A therapist can assist you in your finding resolution of the event, to find a way to really put it behind you so you can get on with your life.
Since you are questioning 'is it time' when it comes to a BF, that would be another thing a therapist can help you to figure out for yourself.
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Thanks to both. I do have a counselor that I see, but because I was going to him for different reasons, I didn't end up telling him about it until recently. We talked about it for a bit, but he kind of brushed it off, since it happened years ago. I think I need to stress how much this has affected me.
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You really need to tell him (therapist) how it is affecting you and your love life. He may assume that since you dind't throw this up earlier that its a non-issue for you, thus he didn't feel there was a need for you to explore it.
Clearly there is a need, and with everything you have said that need is pretty strong. You are already showing tendencies toward PTSD which only worsens with time if not dealt with properly.
Everyone needs love. Love ain't just a want - we need it. Humans need to be touched, thrive with intimacy and all of that stuff. People who end up fearing that intimacy, fearing touch and all of that human stuff end up going sour on the inside. Without a safe outlet, a way to let go and move on and hopefully get some normalcy in your life, depression, anxiety and other side effects are going pound you into the ground.
You are also going to have to figure out a way to explain to potential mates 'There is this thing which affects me' because no doubt when you do start doing the intimacy thing and sex you are going to have a few issues and your man is going to have be prepared to be patient and understanding.
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I think you might need a counsellor that specializes or has experience with sexual assault victims, or make it clear to your current counsellor that this is a problem you need assistance with. It should be common sense to your counsellor that an experience like the one you just described doesn't just go away, and that you need a resolution or positive way of mentally processing everything to do with it.
Edit: ... Just refer to BA
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That's true, I am going to have to talk about this with future partners. I just don't want it to complicate the whole relationship. I know it will, and there's really no way to avoid it, but I don't want the other person to feel that they have to treat me like a fragile doll. Well, I should probably just tell them that.
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I tried the 'hiding it' thing, that didn't end well. I have been doing the search with brutal honesty and I hate to tell you this, a lot of guys out there are going to see this as 'drama' and run away.
I never actually asked my therapist(s) how to broach this subject to potential partners, however I assume that there is a good and healthy way to do this and not so good and healthy ways to do it.
Guess which route I choose to take :biggrin:... Oh no I never do anything healthy.... LOL
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Thanks for being honest. I can imagine hiding it just leads to further complications. I want to talk to my partner about it, but don't want it to be the very first thing that I tell him, nor do I want it to be something I tell him six years into it. I'm kind of getting ahead of myself here, though, since first I need to find someone.
Actually no, first I need to see if I am even willing to be with another person on that intimate of a level. Being vulnerable and trusting others isn't my strong suit by any means.
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Geez.
All I know to tell you, is that I have worked with several people in my life who have been raped. My sister claims she was raped (but I have my suspicions thats not true). I don't like hearing this stuff, it gets me furious enough to kill. And thats where anybody who rapes against the others will should be tortured to death. And I would be more than happy to do that.
You are ready, when you are ready. Only you can decide when you are ready, and if you want to date or find a relationship.
I would also suggest, getting either a small can of mace to keep with you at all times, or a small taser. If they don't understand what "no" means, then show them what "no" means!!
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Dating After Rape?
