Putting your money where your mouth is

[dfiant]

James, I just want you to know that you are not alone.

I became active when I was 11 experimenting with the boys in the neighbourhood. I fell head over heals in love with a boy in my first year of high school, it was intense for a couple of 12 year olds, but it didn't last once he talked to one of his friends and was given the 'fire and brimstone' story of homosexuality. he begged me to turn to god or he would out me. He outed me. As a result I was raped in the school toilets to apparently make me 'straight'. I never told anyone.

I was beaten to a pulp most days, every day I was threatened. I made it to 14 years old at school before I started wagging school and heading into the city where I had a secret life of drugs and sex, one supported the other. My family still know nothing of this, and if I have anything to do with, they will NEVER know.

I hit a low point when I was 16 and attempted suicide several times, drugs then became a more profound part of my life to help me forget a lot of things, it worked, I barely remember anything between the age of 16 and 21. I remember coming out of a cloud and promising myself that I would be clean by my 21st birthday.

It has been 25 years this september since I have touched a drug, I still hesitate with over the counter and prescription drugs...I cannot tkae cold and flu tablets without adverse affect to this day, the psuedoephodrine fucks with me badly.

Most of my life I felt like a worthless peice of shit, I believe that I should die and if I did no one would miss me.

It has only been the last decade that I have been the most fortunate to have been able to rise about it all, put it all behind me and move forward instead of letting the shame drag me back wards.

I am still learning, I still lack confidence, and I still have my 'moments', but they are reminders of where I have come from and where I need to be.

James, you are doing it tough, you are not alone and it is because of who you are and what you are doing that we love you and appreciate you so much. Don't lose sight of that.

I also posted a in depth message in another thread that reveals what I am going through to this day if you would like to read it (http://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?p=415651#post415651)

You are important James, you matter to us

[James]

This is not easy, and if those of you like to judge. please know I thogught at the time I was saving lives. 3rd tour, detached b56 macv, we were the ghosts, the there but not there group, doing things to (quote) shorten the war. We were prevy to info that not alot of units were. We did things regular military had no clue about. I am not going to go into major details. My records are sealed 100+20. But on our excursions, if someone became to shot up or couldn't make it back our orders were to kill him so that what he knew would not fall into enemy hands. I was good at what I did, I could kill quickly and silently. The voices that I hear are because of the guilt I feel for what I did.

When I got back it took until my mid twenty's to start to function as a civilian. Before that if you where in the right hand lane and cut me off I would follow you 20 miles if necessary to beat the crap out of you.

[dfiant]

Real friends understand and empathise.

The rest judge

Don't worry about being judged

[James]

now I posted it's because of the guilt I feel. I know what I had done but had never dealt with the guilt so this is new. I didnt know this. fast forward to 30's.
Had taken my mom to hospital before 3 times for fa;;ing health, this time differant, she is telling me where the lists of weds are for dad, when he has to go to doc. everything about taking care of him. She is in a simi private room, when bring my dad to see her I heard a code blue for that room. Went ahead to nurse's station to tell them it was my dad's wife's room got diverted to doctors room. waited. doc came in and said that her heart was still beating but wasn't strong enough to force the blood through the system, I had never heard of that before that time.
After taking care of my dad for 6 months. He committed suicide outside the back door by the hose so cleanup would be easy.
welcome to my life so far as what I have dealt with in therapy. Jim

[MisterTinkles]

Friends laugh when you fall.
True friends catch you when you fall.

[James]

I guess the person who judges me most harshly is myself, I have to live with me everyday of my life, Jim

[dfiant]

Yes James, we are our own harshest critics.

[James]

The last two sessions covered those who died in the suicide prevention site I used to be a member of, I am giving it up,
my mind agrees with the psychologist, not my fault, look at the records of what you said and what you tried to instill in
their minds. But my heart says what did I miss, what did I not do. While I write this I am listening to I just died in
your arms tonight, I am saddend that their pain was so great that I couldn't get through to them.
Life is difficult at times, but to surrender to the pain is not the answer. There are many good people out there who will
make life worthwhile, who do truly care, who want to see you make it. Even though it says Godlike under my name, I am just
a man. A man who has been through more than most of you, yet I survive, the good I have found, far outweighs the bad I have
been through. For every person who has left me a better person has filled the void, maybe not right away, but did come along
and make life worth living.
I have some friends here who run the edge that I care about, I have a son here that I would give my life for, I am saddened
that maybe I will never meet them in real life, that maybe I am just not good enough, I know we can't save the world, but I
would like to save my corner of it.
I will be going to one session a week cause this two sessions is a bit much to deal with, still trying to get it right.
Sorry friends, but I did promise to update, Jim

[Miles]

Thanks for the update Jimbo...though I'd like to note one thing.

It doesn't say "Godlike" under your name anymore. That's a standard no one should ever try to hold themselves to. No, instead it says "Changeable User Title," which you can make whatever you want. You're free to define yourself in whatever way you wish, and to not let the suffering you've endured in the past define you now. You're better than that, you always have been, and you always will be, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I've seen it.

Good luck Jimbo, you've got this shit.

[ceez]

feel better james, I wish I could give you some words of encouragement but all I can say is that you are loved.