Need some perspective

[Rainbowmum]

The situation you find yourself in is why I do not believe in forever and I will never promise the "forever thing".

I am not going to judge you ,what has happened between you both is a done deal, you can't take it back and if you try to ignore it ,you will only crave it more.

If you find someone else that makes you feel complete, then it's pretty obvious that something has died in your current relationship.
That often happens when a couple get too comfortable with each other , the spark of the honeymoon stage has faded.

Relationships are not easy ,you have to work at it to keep them fresh.

Sweetie you have a choice to make and no one can make it for you.
Search your heart but never forget that the relationship you are in ,also at one point in time was as exciting as your new relationship.

Staying with your long time partner out of guilt is not fair to either of you .
Living a lie is a terrible burden.

Think about this .

We are all here for you.

[philsguy95]

Honestly, the way you speak about this, it sounds like a good match, but even in your own wording it seems more about what lacks in your current relationship as opposed to the quality of this other guy and the connection you have with him. In the long-term, having common interests and getting along is fantastic, but what about methods of communications and minor details that will make up possible roadblocks down the line? As far as judging you, you did something wrong so asking for lenience is completely unreasonable, but that's really something you need to do yourself: it seems there's little remorse, which is disturbing, and before you pursue any other relationship, you need to discover what's made you so numb to the one you're in, because I doubt sex is the only issue. I won't wish you luck because frankly you don't really deserve it, but I absolutely hope the guy you're with finds someone who really cares for and loves him. He's the victim here, so acting justified in your actions by claiming lack of sex and giving a nondescript, "I know it's wrong" says a lot about YOU. What I'm trying to get across is this all makes it sound like you simply aren't the type of guy who should ever be in a relationship, because, in all honesty, you're too selfish. The only advice I can offer is break things off with your current partner immediately, because the lying and sneaking and general indifference towards him has to stop, you owe him that much.

[Letmar]

Dear Justin, I have the feeling you were tying to portray what New BF and you have as that "Good old thing people talk about when they use the word love... that magical connection that only exists in movies, because you are so alike, share so many interest, and even grew up with the same cartoons!" type of thing... well, it didn't work! you sort of lit up a fire cracker near the chickens mate!

This is very simple, you need to cleanse yourself from this immediately... the longer you leave it, the deeper you will go down the wormhole! Not to mention the amount of emotional feces you've already collected as a direct bi-product of this whole thing.

Speak to Old BF now (not in 2 hours, not tonight NOW) every moment you leave it, you are disrespecting the very core of the last 9 years you have shared with the man.

I want to provide you with unbiased advice, because frankly... we are all human beings and we all f*@K things up for those who we love the most.
Often... Not to this extent... But often nonetheless.

Although the style in which you wrote the post does make you seem like a little selfish c*^t ... you did mention that you have spoken to Old BF about "the sex thing" in numerous occasions (box ticked) so I'm trying my very best not to judge you!

Again just "Grow up, be a MAN and face Old BF"

He needs to know, he deserves to know, you owe him that!
For the love, the care, the kisses, the cuddles, the smiles, the sunsets, the bottles of wine... and all those moments lived.

Want to talk about infatuation..? Try remembering how amazed you were when this hot, sharp, funny, adorable, caring guy started falling for your little bones about a decade ago!!! and how insecure you probably felt about falling for him, because as you said, you two were/are similar in important aspects of your lives yet essentially different types of people (hobbies, interests, holiday choices, etc)

Now that I brought you back to that warm and exciting place of your early twenties ^.^ let me remind you how badly you shat all over it just now!
...See my point? you need to tell him man, he needs to know! its the right thing to do. Actually, now that I think about it, its the only thing for you to do to be able to keep some dignity.
But mostly to show some respect to all the good things Old BF gave you... unless he also cheated, in which case you two are even.

Once you two talk about it you might be surprised in a good way, I'm not going to tell you that he will forgive you or that he will open the relationship, or whatever macabre thoughts you might have in that post-thirtieth-birthday-crisis-head of yours... but as I said... you might be surprised.

I hope one of us is able to get some sense into you. THERE IS NO WAY OUT... people will get hurt, you will be one of them... but remember that a cut takes way longer to heal if done slowly and with a serrated knife. So MAN UP, insert the dagger right between Old BF's atriums and let the rest of you lives begin.

[JustinAndersen]

Hi everyone,

I’m sorry it’s taken me a while to get back to this forum. Obviously I have been dealing with a lot of things – and not all of them in the best ways. I appreciate everyone’s replies as well. Especially those who were willing to put aside judgments for a while in order to lend some friendly perspective. Yes, I know what we have done is completely wrong. It’s also very hard for me to deal with and stay composed. I appreciate having words from others to contemplate.

Obviously the only course of action is to break off the physical piece of the situation with my new friend. I know that could possible make him stop talking to me. If there is an actual friendship there, it will still be there later… Even if it’s in five years. If this was just a sexual outlet for the two of us, then it’s bound to fail anyway and I can just get out of it before I get further in. Honestly, what he says is probably talk to have some level of control and influence over me…

In terms of the BF, I have tried to have some talks but I seem to be failing. This isn’t just talking about my transgressions or the lack of sex in our relationship. This is much deeper and there is a long, painful road ahead no matter how I spin things. It’s true, though. If I am not going to be faithful and willing to work on it, I need to leave the situation and let both him and myself begin the healing process.

Again, thanks to everyone.

Justin

[nfisher1226]

This is not really in response to the OP, but more a comment on the question of monogamy itself and the opinions that have been expressed.

There is a common theory nowadays that monogamy is not the natural state for humans. That we are biologically wired to have multiple partners, or at best to practice serial monogamy. I understand the arguments and am not going to reiterate them one by one. I'm just going to respectfully disagree, or at least to say that things just aren't really that simple.

We are not entirely ruled by biology, and have not been for quite some time now. I believe there are opposing forces here actually. Human beings, whatever else they crave, often want a core stability in their lives. This is a deep seated emotional need. I think for many (myself included) this emotional need, which naturally extends to the desire for a partner they feel they can always count on, is quite a bit stronger of a motivation than the biological imperatives and the attraction of lust and/or infatuation (ie falling in love). To say it more generally, we all get urges to some extent or other, but under many circumstances we not only don't follow those urges but are in fact much happier if we don't.

However there is quite a wide variation in sexual and romantic behavior and desires obviously. There's a lot of people who will never achieve a lasting monogamous relationship, and for many people that is not even a goal. I just disagree with the notion that it's biologically sabotaged from the start and so to try is futile. That's oversimplification based on the assumption that we're completely ruled by biological imperatives, which I happen to not believe. Not all of us are more rational than that, but some of us are more rational than that. Maybe not on the whole, but rational human beings do exist.

[swalter]

Hi Justin,

If you could snap your fingers and instantly create the perfect situation, with no worry about hurt feelings or consequences, what would it look like? Who would you be with? I think you should have an idea of what you'd choose in a perfect world before you take any further action.

-Sam

[loserguy]

If you and your boyfriend are no longer intimate and cannot talk about it, why continue?
The relationship looks like it is over and if you were happy you wouldn't have strayed would you?

I think relationships do go stale over time and require a lot of work and compromise from both of you. If both of you are not willing to do this then you should end it irrespective of what your new love is doing.
If you are both willing to work at it you need to cut yourself off emotionally from the new guy, otherwise you are not really working it out with your partner.
If you do break up and the other guy feels the same then you might have a chance. However cheating tends to manifest itself again and again. Some people are off limits and this is a case in point. I would have huge trust issues with the other guy based on your post.