I messed up...

[AlexBizelia]

Hi Guys.

So i put myself in a bad situation. i'm gay/a little bi. In highschool i started to date a girl to cover it up because i was afraid of being judged. after awhile i didnt know what to do so i stayed with her for way to long. its been years now and we both have jobs and starting careers. i want to experiment with guys and come out to my friends but i dont know how to do that after all this time. people will hate me and i dont know if theyll forgive me and accept me. i dont know what to do, i'm terrified and think i made things only worse for myself. i was afraid of not being able to play baseball when i was a kid because i was gay but now the world is more accepting to it and i dont have to be concered as much about asshole homophobes. im thinking i should just run away and start over as myself... also i feel terrible about my girlfriend. i shouldnt have done this for so long to her. i think im worse than the people who i was afraid of.... please, anyone else who has hid this long please advise?

[swalter]

Hey there... I can empathize with your situation. I denied that I was gay, and didn't begin exploring until I was 33. I was never really successful with women, and only had a few girlfriends, and deep down I think I always knew I was gay, but it took a relocation and a lot of soul searching before I was able to acknowledge the reality, and get myself out there.

For me, moving to a new city where I didn't know anyone (and more importantly, nobody knew me) made it easy to begin living as a gay man. It was a lot easier to introduce myself as gay than it is to tell someone I already know. I'm still not 100% out. My parents know, and have been very accepting. I'm sure my sister knows, although we never talk about it. But none of my old friends from back home know; I'm not at the point where I'm ready to tell them. Conversely, I'm fully out where I live. I'm active in the local community, and have been living with my boyfriend for the past year.

It might help you to not think of coming out as an "all or nothing" proposition. You may find it easier to get out there and make some new gay friends, who you can be out to and get involved in socializing with than it is to just tell all your current friends. Make it easy on yourself. You don't have to go all-in until you're ready. In the meantime, make some new friends and go to some gay bars and venues. You're young and you should take advantage of that. Don't wait like I did.

[Eth21]

Hey
I went through a similar thing and I only came out last month!! Well I never actually went out with a girl but I kinda know how you feel as I tried to suppress it and "be straight" as I didn't want people judging me. I also know how you feel about telling close friends as I thought they would all hate me and wouldn't forgive me ether but turns out I was very wrong as each and everyone of them were nothing but happy and supportive for me. I obviously can't say anything about your friends as I've never met them but you might be surprised at the reaction you would get. But don't worry and certainly don't think you have messed up as people will come out only when they feel ready and no one should be forced into doing so!!

Anyway I hope this helps even just a little bit and good luck with everything!!

[Cuddly]

People are nicer than you credit them for. There may be assholes, but there are more good guys than bad ones out there. Being out and open isn't as dangerous as you think . Your problem is the gf. I think you should come out to her, asap.

[MisterTinkles]

You just have to ask yourself these questions...........

Do I want to continue the charade?
Is it worth ruining two lives for?
What am I willing to do, to correct this?


Apparently your girlfriend knows that there is no marriage on the horizon for both of you, since its been a while that you have been together.

If you want to spare people's feelings over a breakup situation, then your only option is to move to another place...somewhere far, far away....where you are sure that nobody will venture out to see you one day.

Move and start over. Otherwise you need to put on your big boy pants and start cutting away at the vines of lies and deception that has grown around you. Yeah, people are going to be hurt and upset.......probably not that you want to date men, but the fact that you lived this charade for so long.

If you are going to go forward with the life you want, then you need to "clean house" and get all the skeletons out of the closets. Otherwise you are being unfair to you and her.

[Evan88]

I went through similar thing before as well...

I kinda courted a girl when I was..like 13? Yeah.

I'm happy it didn't push through.. I think those are the times when I was confused and in DENIAL. I told myself, I am just wasting my time, I'm just fooling myself. You are not fooling other people for getting a girlfriend, you are just fooling yourself

So before the damage would get deeper, you should stop it and find yourself. You know who you really are.. you what can make you happy and you should find ways to get there.

Don't waste your time for things that wont really make you happy and would just cause frustrations in your life..

It would be helpful if you can have your alone time, seclude yourself from others..Reflect on things. And ask yourself, "what will make me really happy? What are the things I need to do to get there?"

all the best!

[nfisher1226]

Yeah, it's a much more common theme than you might realize. I got married, had kids. Now I'm a single dad to one and pay support to the others. But I'm happier now than I have been in a long time. I'm in love, I have my own place, and I'm gradually building the life I actually want in place of the one I was trapped in.

Anyway, don't beat yourself up so much. Just try to get started on sorting this out, because the longer you wait to start the more complicated it's going to get.

[driftwood]

The consensus is that you're not such a bad person, and it's never too late.

But the girlfriend? I don't understand what kind of a relationship you could have that in all those years you didn't confide in her. Regardless of what else you do you need to be honest with her. Both of you are going to be hurt, but the damage has already been done, and the more you prolong it, the worse it will be.

Once you have come clean with her, there's no rush on anything else.

It might help you to not think of coming out as an "all or nothing" proposition. You may find it easier to get out there and make some new gay friends, who you can be out to and get involved in socializing with than it is to just tell all your current friends. Make it easy on yourself. You don't have to go all-in until you're ready. In the meantime, make some new friends and go to some gay bars and venues...

That's probably good advice for all bi's, even someone who is "gay/a little bi."

[loserguy]

You are making assumptions about what people will do and say.
Why not give them a chance to prove you wrong?
Believe it or not, they will accept you and anyone who doesn't was never a friend anyway!

A few of us had girlfriends and while I did not do the right thing at the time, perhaps you could?
If you haven't been intimate with her for a long time, tell her why. Maybe she thought she was the problem and it will lift a weight off her mind. And if you have been best friends as bf/gf there is no reason in the world why that shouldn't continue.

Ok, so this is easy for me to say and I appreciate, not so easy for you.
But will you have a think about it in your own time?

[dfiant]

You've messed up...the only thing that proves is that you are human.

Give everyone the benefit of the doubt to prove that they are human as well, because forgiveness, understanding and support also proves you are human.

Be honest with yourself, be honest with friends and family.